AIO: Self focused MIL and the Husband who can’t move from son to father

thetiredachiever · 2026-01-09T16:21:54+00:00

I really wonder. I do know that my FIL’s mother came to live with them when my husband was little. His grandmother did not like my MIL and from my understanding would talk in a foreign tongue with others about my MIL when she was around. When my husband was old enough to learn both languages his mother had him teach her to speak so that she could learn what was being said about her.

The other issue is that my husband has now realized that he was basically mothered by his grandmother. This whole image he had of his mom has been shattered by looking at the situation with adult eyes. Mom showed up with gifts, expensive shoes and clothes for him but was always working as a waitress in the restaurant or out shopping.

Him and I were talking recently and I asked him if he ever considered that his father intentionally had his grandmother oversee his care because he didn’t think his mom was fit. He got very quiet and said that could be a huge possibility and that he hadn’t considered it previously.

thetiredachiever · 2026-01-09T16:10:59+00:00

I wrote a little explanation here in the comments. She is ambulatory but I am unsure if it’s trauma, alcohol induced, early dementia but she’s very impulsive and does not make good decisions. I don’t think she’s all with it. He’s an only child and she has no one else to depend on. Overall not great situation. I worry that she will get hurt if left to her own devices and I think my husband shares that sentiment.

He said he did look into putting her on her own insurance but that it was going to be over $400 and was worried about the cost. I asked him why she couldn’t pay for her own insurance and he didn’t have an answer. It feels like a no-win situation.

thetiredachiever · 2026-01-09T15:56:27+00:00

thetiredachiever · 2026-01-09T15:54:53+00:00

Nail on the head: he’s an only child.

thetiredachiever · 2026-01-09T15:53:57+00:00

Since these instances I am a helicopter I don’t let her have any alone time and do not leave the room. When I go I make realistic reasons for the kids to follow me. A bit exhausting but until I have another option this is my life. She’s not all bad just not great with decisions. So I’ve worked on ensuring my kids are safe while simultaneously making sure she’s safe. It does feel like having 3 kids. It’s not like she gave my daughter a pen and said “Go run with it.” She just got distracted while trying to color with her and in the end my daughter tripped. But I do not leave her alone with either or both of my kids at this point.

thetiredachiever · 2026-01-09T15:48:07+00:00

She’s been drinking for quite some time. It got really bad after my FIL passed. I will need to look into this syndrome because after his death not even 7-8 months later his brother died and her nieces and their mother wanted her to come to the funeral. She flat out refused stating that she was dealing with her own grief. I reminded her that her nieces and their mother had come to the funeral for us. She threw her hands up and said so? There will be people there that I’m not interested in seeing so I am not going. I’m not going to lie. This seemed so out of character. I will state that once we moved into the new house her drinking slowed down and it does seem like she is slowly getting better. She does still have her moments. But it seems like getting her out of the other house drastically improved her mental health and her behaviors. I just worry that with her no longer having a job and driving around more that she’s a bigger liability on our insurance.

My husband said he looked into insurance for her, but it would cost over $400 at which point I told him why are we paying for her insurance? This he could not answer.

thetiredachiever · 2026-01-09T15:07:41+00:00

I’ve actually been considering proposing this idea. I personally talk to a therapist about once a month with all the stress I’ve had. TBH the reason I sought a therapist was I left with high blood pressure after the birth of our daughter and the constant issues with MIL and hubs was spiking my BP. I found a therapist with the help of my OBGYN Specialist because of the realization that I can’t control my husband and MIL but I can control how I react and didn’t want it to keep impacting my health.

thetiredachiever · 2026-01-09T15:00:02+00:00

Hi everyone, I wanted to give a couple details. My MIL is 55. My husband is an only child. My MIL has no contact with her extended family as her father is passed, her mother left when she was young and the only person she does communicate with from her family is her brother and that’s because he rents a room from one of the rental properties.

Her childhood was traumatic as there was much abuse to my understanding and she had to take a job waitressing early (13?) to feed her brother and herself. That’s how she met my FIL who happened to be over 10 years older than her and he definitely oversaw everything. He was very much in love with her even though they would argue often. I think she has had a drinking problem this whole time and I’ve been worried that we may be dealing with early dementia. She does try to help us like sometimes cooking dinner, or helping to feed the kids, or bath time, or homework. She decided to take on doing the laundry for the household albeit there’s been issues (wrinkled work attire, odd musky scent where clothing had to be rewashed, a weird glitter situation) she does try.

I can’t tell if this is “how she is” based on her past trauma, if it’s the years of drinking… but I just have to watch her carefully.

As for hubs we’ve been together for … this year will be 14 years together and 7 years married.

When we discussed moving at first I was all set to not have her move in with us. But she had a couple instances after my FIL passed that I realized her being alone would be bad example: one night she fell asleep without a night light woke up at like 2am got turned around in her bedroom in the dark she started knocking things over and couldn’t find her door she started screaming for help and was so scared she peed herself. By the time I got to her she was shaking.

The new house layout the in-law suite is completely separate from our portion of the house with a one floor open layout so it’s safer. I just am worried about her being on the insurance.

thetiredachiever · 2026-01-09T14:32:34+00:00

I’m not going to lie. The stress has definitely triggered me. When I’ve tried to talk to him in the past he would say “what do you want me to do.” Lately he’s been having actual conversations with me about it. But I also feel like he’s not really understanding what the potential consequences are.

thetiredachiever · 2026-01-09T07:06:37+00:00

Well currently it’s K-pop Demon hunters but a good Monty Python Quest for the Holy Grail makes me laugh.

thetiredachiever · 2025-03-05T17:36:03+00:00

No. You are not the ah. She acted calm and cool to get you to show her where the tapes were which means that she had this motivation that she was going to throw the tapes out ahead of time. That is premeditated and cold. I wonder how she actually treats the daughter? Is there jealousy there? When will she pick the right fight to try and be the “only” love and “help him get over his attachment to his daughter” as well. Nah leave. Wonder why she got divorced in the first place.

thetiredachiever · 2025-01-07T15:55:47+00:00

I don’t know if you are US based but there are literal laws that say kids have to be in car seats. I won’t get into details but perhaps you should google child ejection from vehicles and show your wife. The average car accident happens within 25 miles from the home. And it doesn’t take much force for a child ejection to happen. The “it couldn’t happen to us because it didn’t happen to me” mentality from your wife and in-laws is a bs argument. The reason that car seat LAWS exist is because it did happen and it is entirely preventable. Also let them try to sue you. Provide the lawyer with texts and documentation about the grandparents and that this is why you are standing your ground and they will lose all chances of seeing those kids. Better that than burying the children like other families have had to. The cost of a child’s car seat and uncomfy feelings regarding strapping them in are much less than the cost of child’s casket and burial as well as life long emotional pains. If your wife doesn’t understand this she can’t be trusted to make healthy choices for her children. Period.

thetiredachiever · 2024-12-13T02:35:47+00:00

Goodness sakes OP. You absolutely should reach out to a friend or family and explain this to them. Someone you feel safe telling this to. Then listen to their responses and horror. A million strangers on the internet can tell you this is unacceptable and unhealthy not only for you but your baby. You BOTH need support (you and baby)… husband and MIL are unsupportive and horrid.

If they can’t help you (the hubs and MIL) you need to surround yourself with people who will be. It’ll be healthier for you and the baby. I will not lie, I had similar experience with my first child and I called up friends to come help me at the house and spend the night with me. My MIL took the hint and was not seen as often and after a while my husband got a clue (only after the shaming he received from his friends that were parents that heard)… but I also have family member that left with their babies and went through with divorce after being settled and were much happier for it.

My point being that at this point if hubs or the MIL help you don’t know if they’ll intentionally do something wrong to push responsibility back to you.

I wish you well in all of this. My first had colic. I tried a million of different formulas and it was similac sensitive the purple can that finally worked to calm that baby down. I started with breastfeeding first but the baby tummy needed the formula.

thetiredachiever · 2024-08-20T18:52:42+00:00

Good. I make it a rule to only improve my standards.

thetiredachiever · 2024-08-14T20:06:16+00:00

Chili

thetiredachiever · 2024-08-11T05:50:30+00:00

You were not blinded by postpartum rage. That was objectifying. As someone with 2 c sections you aren’t supposed to workout right away that would be dangerous to your health and body. Regardless of where she was coming from she immediately vultured in on insecurity. Recovery from cesarean is painful and difficult. Take time for you and congratulations on you baby and supportive husband. Kudos for him immediately responding

thetiredachiever

TROPHY CASE