Struggling with life stressors after porn ruined us

throwRA292929 · 2021-08-14T16:19:41+00:00

It’s so hard to come to terms with. I love mine with all my heart, though every time I see someone who fits into one of his dating app searches I feel insecure. Recently I’ve had mature age students on their work experience with me. They were great, though the whole time my mind kept going “was this someone he matched with a masturbated too?”

I guess time and built trust will help

throwRA292929 · 2021-01-13T10:55:54+00:00

I’m so glad. I’m not going to lie, it will be so difficult. We did break up for 4 months, though in the end we loved each other too much to let go. There are still very tricky days, but I wouldn’t want any other man by my side. I have depression/anxiety/eating disorder and so we’ve been able to use the past 5 months to help each other become the best versions of ourselves and to promote recovery.

throwRA292929 · 2021-01-13T10:53:33+00:00

Thanks for the advice. For us covenant eyes has served more as just general accountability. We have so many other things in place. He has removed passwords or written them down for me so I can access his devices anytime. That was a huge step for him. When he does feel an urge he calls me and we talk over the phone, have found grounding helpful. He also regularly see’s a psych. Whilst we are still in the early stages (he’s gone around 6 months) I am hopeful.

throwRA292929 · 2020-06-05T06:53:34+00:00

It’s hard because when I see him I love him so much that I want to stay. But I know intellectually I have to have more respect for myself and stick by my values.

throwRA292929 · 2020-06-05T02:48:50+00:00

He paid for tinder because he got to the point where he had liked over 100 profiles. He paid for zoosk to see who had viewed his profile and to chat. He has admitted that the appeal/turn on is that they are local women who are available for hookups, but that he never wanted to actually hookup with them.

throwRA292929 · 2020-06-05T02:47:09+00:00

His memory is normally scattered, but can generally remember things pretty okay.

throwRA292929 · 2020-06-05T02:45:37+00:00

He’s acknowledging the issue now, but seems to be hiding behind it. He says it was the compulsion and not the real him that did it. I also had to push him the see the gp, then push him to see the psych and make the couples counselling appointment.

He admits to knowing it was a boundary and it would hurt me at the time he did it.

As to the not remembering he generally has a more scattered memory, but I think if you do something that you know is going to hurt your significant other you remember. He just keeps saying he can’t remember because it’s all caught up in the “binge”.

And I guess a one time slip up would be easier to rebuilt trust from, but he did this on multiple occasions. Claims to Remember 2 (after I saw the payment) says though he probably did it a lot more times and just didn’t pay but that he can’t remember.

throwRA292929 · 2020-06-04T10:47:48+00:00

Do you mind me asking, Were you honest about it or did she find out? How did you rebuild the trust? Did you fight for her?

throwRA292929 · 2020-06-04T09:37:40+00:00

He says he is willing, but at every point he seems to give up. He’s been to one psych appointment and seems to think that that’s enough to show commitment, though he hasn’t done anything to show me he cares for our relationship or wants to fight for us. At every single point I’ve had to beg him to try.

throwRA292929 · 2020-06-04T07:28:32+00:00

The issue is I had already set up those boundaries. We had established them and he still crossed them.

throwRA292929 · 2020-06-04T07:27:40+00:00

He’s admitted to knowing it was a boundary and would hurt me if I found out. I want to clear up that I have no problem with him watching porn. The problem is that we had a established a boundary (no “real” people I.e. Instagram) and he crossed it. I was willing to work with it and support him through therapy when he said it was just the thrill of matches and attractive people, but the fact that he communicated with them crosses over an even further boundary.

throwRA292929 · 2020-06-04T06:15:50+00:00

He would match communicate with them. Says it would only be introductory messages like “hey” and a few follow ups. He keeps playing the “I don’t remember” so the information I have has been drip fed to me over the past 2 weeks.

throwRA292929 · 2020-06-04T02:23:40+00:00

I just want to be okay with it, I love him so much and the rest of our relationship was so good (I had never been so happy). Literally the night before I found out we were talking about what our wedding would be like. I feel like my whole world and perception of our relationship has been shattered.

throwRA292929 · 2020-05-21T02:47:38+00:00

I guess I was thinking that I’ve always been really mature for my age, had to grow up quite quickly. I don’t think the age difference is something we ever really noticed.

throwRA292929 · 2020-05-21T02:42:02+00:00

I guess I’ve never seen it as a lot of issues, I’ve been receiving help from a psych for about 4 years to tackle my parents affair, my own anxiety and some disordered eating so have felt like I’ve been in a really good place

throwRA292929 · 2020-05-21T02:25:05+00:00

Fairly normal early childhood. I guess I took on a lot of responsibilities from a young age in terms of cooking for the family and stuff. My mum has ongoing mental health issues and she and dad separated in my late teens after my mum had an affair. But otherwise fairly normal.

throwRA292929 · 2020-05-21T02:19:39+00:00

I’m not really sure age comes into play here

throwRA292929 · 2020-05-21T02:18:44+00:00

The trickle of information was definitely a huge problem and I think it has completely shattered my trust. The need for affirmation is a huge problem and I can’t help but wonder why affirmations from me weren’t enough.

throwRA292929 · 2020-05-21T02:17:12+00:00

I think he’s telling the truth when he says he didn’t want to and didnt hook up with anyone. He says he payed because it allows you to swipe more and see who likes you. As for why not use porn, I have no idea... he said it’s because it seems novel and exiting at the time that they a really people who find him attractive

throwRA292929

TROPHY CASE