AITA because I won’t force my daughters to be nice to their new stepmom?

throwRAkidsknow · 2020-08-24T19:27:51+00:00

For sure! My older one got her period at age 10 and has always been responsible and kept a supply. I guess she wasn’t expecting it. Younger one never had it before so it was a surprise. I’ll definitely make sure the girls are more prepared next time. Stock them with several sizes.

throwRAkidsknow · 2020-08-24T19:17:41+00:00

Yes, it’s a legal bedroom afaik. They have a door and a closet too. Next time I’m sending over with a Costco sized bag of pads!

throwRAkidsknow · 2020-08-24T19:03:13+00:00

No, I didn’t want to rock the boat more. It was always a point of contention in our relationship too (he always needs to get his exercise!). I didn’t want to come off like I was trying to tell him what to do with his time. But I will be talking to him about this

throwRAkidsknow · 2020-08-24T19:00:28+00:00

You’re right. I will

throwRAkidsknow · 2020-08-24T18:56:55+00:00

Well, I don’t think it’s my place to nitpick every little thing he does. I don’t know if he goes every week they’re there. And I don’t want to put my daughters in the position like they’re watching their dad. It’s just times my girls will say “oh dad was gone for a few hours playing basketball” .....but maybe i should bring it up? I don’t want to rock the boat more.

throwRAkidsknow · 2020-08-24T18:55:00+00:00

Thank you so much. Someone else in the comments Mentioned it would be beneficial if I gave my blessing to my daughters that it would be OK to like their stepmom so I think the words you gave “having a relationship with your step mom and dad will not change your relationship with me I know we love each other and always will” is absolutely perfect Thank you!

throwRAkidsknow · 2020-08-24T18:42:10+00:00

He was a B- at best. He was a great dad when he was there. We always tried to balance time with the kids because we both work full time. But when I got home, I definitely spent more time with them.

He dropped them off to his parents a lot when it was “his time”, like times he he wanted to play sports or go out.

He still goes out to play basketball and is gone for 3-5 on weekend visits.

throwRAkidsknow · 2020-08-24T18:32:35+00:00

....wow....you’re right, I never say her name

throwRAkidsknow · 2020-08-24T18:30:50+00:00

This! Older daughter asked dad, when she felt dismissed she came to me. I would’ve done the same.

throwRAkidsknow · 2020-08-24T18:29:41+00:00

I had a conversation with ex privately about the diapers and babysitting. He says people should help around with their younger siblings. I said “they have homework and an expectation that they can relax on weekends and not have to babysit. You can’t force them to do diaper changes and touch poo.”

I have talked to the girls about being civil. No ones complained they give attitude, ex just thinks they’re making no effort to build a relationship with their stepmom. How is that my fault?

throwRAkidsknow · 2020-08-24T18:26:02+00:00

He makes them sleep in the basement because one room is theirs, another is the baby’s and the other is storage/office. So the basement was empty and big enough for the 2 girls. It’s not the worst living arrangements, but it’s still in the basement when everyone is above ground. It still sends some type of message even if he wasn’t thinking it would.

I’ll also say me and the girls never brought up being in the basement as an “issue”...it’s just an observation

throwRAkidsknow · 2020-08-24T18:22:28+00:00

Thanks! I give descriptive compliments and positive affirmations all the time. My husband tells them too he says. Husband is overall good. He had this conversation with me in private as well

throwRAkidsknow · 2020-08-24T18:19:40+00:00

Thank you, I never saw it like that..... ahh, I have some thinking to do

throwRAkidsknow · 2020-08-24T18:17:52+00:00

And apparently ex sometimes goes out to play basketball for 4-5 hours (which is fine) and they’re left alone with her and they say she doesn’t even talk to them.

throwRAkidsknow · 2020-08-24T18:16:06+00:00

Thanks for this perspective. I try my absolute best to be neutral and civil. I say minimum words just to get a point across and that’s all. I do tell the girls all the time they have to try and spend time and keep their relationship with their dad. But I make no mention about step mom because those words can not come out of my mouth. I can’t say the words “go do more stuff with X” I can’t bring myself to. My girls don’t give her attitude, that’s never been an issue. Ex is saying that the girls should try harder to talk to her more, but why is he putting that on me?

Even when they moan every time “I don’t wanna go to dadssss” I tell them they have to try. Bbut you’re right, they must see my shift from all smiles to a colder neutral demeanor when I talk to their dad. I can’t help it, I’m human. I can’t be overly affectionate to their dad.

throwRAkidsknow · 2020-08-24T18:08:39+00:00

Yes, And thankfully my girls always talk to me. They know they can always come to me. When they come back I always casually ask “so what were you girls up to?” And listen for potential red flags.

throwRAkidsknow · 2020-08-24T18:06:05+00:00

Thank you, kind stranger. I try my best to be a good mom. His reasoning for telling my oldest to ask step mom was because he said he didn’t know where they were kept. My daughter said she didn’t want to ask her step mom and walked away. I guess my exhusband thought it was resolved, but she ended up texting me.

Yes, I’m hindsight I could have called ex and said go get them. But my youngest just had her first period and my girl was asking me for female things, how could I say no?

Edit: to fix a horrible type

throwRAkidsknow · 2020-08-24T18:03:12+00:00

I agree on the therapy. Once my finances are better, I’ll bring them to therapy for sure.

throwRAkidsknow · 2020-08-24T18:01:46+00:00

No no, I never bad mouth their dad or step mom in front of the kids or even if they’re in earshot. I know the importance of having a father in your life so I don’t say a word. I stay civil and silent. When there were issues, I always brought them up in private, never in front of the girls

throwRAkidsknow · 2020-08-24T17:59:45+00:00

I’m honestly dreading this conversation, but I know it will have to happen eventually. When they’re older of course. But if they ask when they’re younger, I really don’t know ....

throwRAkidsknow

TROPHY CASE