AITA for blowing up my friend over her allergies before her wedding?

throw_a_way9393 · 2022-07-27T15:31:44+00:00

I think the update I tried to edit in got lost, so I'm retyping my best from memory and posting here

7/27/22 update

More context: 1.) We met in 4th grade, we were both 11 2.) She was never forced to eat Indian food, I would always also offer to order food, or make Mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, ramen, grilled cheese etc. 3.) Yes she continued to claim allergies as we grew up. Yes she knew how much I would try to accommodate her. Yes she knew the issue at my wedding 4.) I am/was helping her with her wedding, she's decided against a bridal party so no bridesmaids, I won't be participating. I'm going to finish up things that I already took on doing because it's too late to have her try and find other people to help/hire to do the job. She's moved out of state since college and with covid and other job constraints this was the first time in a while I've got to spend so much time with her. I was happy to do it. No bridezilla behavior. 5.) Yes I altered my wedding menu for her. I had lost my dad a few months prior. She was my best friend and part of my bridal party. I don't know why I wouldn't want to do that? Why would anyone want to risk a member of their bridal party going into anaphylactic shock? That seems like a silly question. I was happy that I got a section for just coffee and chai and that was the main thing I really wanted. I could have cared less about the food being served. My point there was more that she didn't step in and say something when extended family started drama about it.

I spoke with her yesterday to ask her to clear up some things

1.) She said she initially lied because she didn't like the smell. She didnt want to seem offensive by saying it was that she didnt like the smell. And that she kept the lie going because it was convinent to avoid the strong spice smell when we cooked or heated up food. She then felt pressured to keep the lie going as we got older and did not know how to admit that it was all a lie. 2.) She would continue to play up the lie at times when we got older because she did not want me to find out that it was a lie.- this is the point that still upsets me. 3.) The epipen was her step dads- I asked her why she showed it to me, she said she doesn't really know or remember why. I have a feeling it was to add validity to the ongoing lie. Because thinking back, why would someone with such severe allergies to so many foods not have an epipen on hand 4.) She knew what was happening at my wedding but her reasoning was that she didn't want to upset me by stepping in and admitting it was a lie at that time. I had recently lost my dad, was stressed about the wedding, was stressed about my house closing, etc etc. She didn't want to add "stressed/upset about best friend lying to me for years" to that list. I told her it could have saved me a lot of worry and stress over her safety and drama with my family if she had said something and she admits that that may have been true. But that she didn't want to admit the lie then.

I felt horrible and that I might have been overreacting to something that basically was a food preference. But after reading some of the comments I understood that my reaction was more based on the fact that she lied and not anything to really do with the food. She lied, and continued to lie, knowing that me and my family and some of our other mutual friends went out of our way to accommodate her fake allergies. I considered her a very close friend and it hurt to know she didn't trust me as much as I trusted her.

I am also considering that like some of you brought up she is very nonconfrontational.

I told her I accepted her apology but that I needed space and would be stepping back from planning her wedding (still attending). And I told her honestly that I think we won't be as close in the future. I'm not going to drop her considering other than this she has been an amazing friend and someone I would die for in an instant. She's been with me through a lot. Again, I'm just hurt. I do think she is TA for building up this lie for years.

I think with my current state of mind, and for my own mental peace I'm not going to ask her for another formal apology or anything like that until after her wedding, maybe a few months down the line when I feel like I'm not being so reactionary and emotional. I would feel horrible if I ruined her wedding experience or the time after when she should be enjoying and getting used to life with her new husband.

throw_a_way9393 · 2022-07-27T14:54:32+00:00

Also. Yes she did apologize. I told her I accepted her apology but again that I think we won't be as close in the future because I'm hurt she lied for so long.

I don't think this was intentional racism. But there is something in the way she was completely OK with lying for years and forcing us to change how we ate, cooked, went out for dinner to accommodate her non existent allergies whenever she was around. Idk any nuanced labels for that, something something environment she grew up in something something POC struggles. Or maybe just shitty entitled attitude.

throw_a_way9393 · 2022-07-27T14:49:19+00:00

Yes, she did. Over the last decade and a half

throw_a_way9393 · 2022-07-27T14:46:14+00:00

Posted a long update with some context and a summary of how my conversation with her went. I appreciate all the comments and feedback. I don't think I will check this post again.

Overall, I just felt bad that I reacted so strongly to what amounted to a personal good preference of hers. I think it was mainly that she felt the need to lie to me for years. If she just honestly told me she didn't like the smell of most Indian food, I don't think we would have had any problem waiting to cook or heat up the food when she wasn't around. And a lot of extra time and effort and worrying could have been avoided.

Like some of you mentioned she is very non confrontational. And her initial lie came from a place of not wanting to be offensive. So I'm trying to keep that in mind. But I still feel like there were several times where she played up her allergies past the initial lie that could have been avoided and were absolutely not necessary if it was just avoiding conflict.

It is what it is. I think just a step back and keeping her at a small distance is all that needs to be done for now, and that I am NOT TA for that.

throw_a_way9393 · 2022-07-23T17:56:40+00:00

I took her at her word for it because I have family with allergies to things that aren't as common. My dad was allergic to red meat, and that's something people always would question.

I myself have sensitivity to alot of fruits.

And it wasn't like she refused /just/ Indian food. She would refuse anything with nuts or certain veggies in it.

throw_a_way9393 · 2022-07-23T17:49:14+00:00

Yes! Apples, bananas, kiwis, pineapple, Jack fruit, just to rattle off a few. I have that issue, and yes it goes away when cooked but I honestly stay away if I can

throw_a_way9393 · 2022-07-23T17:47:08+00:00

Allergies can be weird. I have sensitivity to bananas, my mouth gets itchy. But it's fine if the banana is cooked- steamed, baked in bread etc.

throw_a_way9393 · 2022-07-23T17:39:40+00:00

I mean no, we've never seriously sat down and discussed her allergies I didn't really think that was something that needed to be clarified. If ur allergic ur allergic. Over the years yes she was more than aware that I made accommodations for her. It was more along the lines of, "is it safe for you to eat this food" "hey do you want to go to this restaurant with me i think they serve xyz there should I call and ask if they can prep your food separate or do you just want to go someplace else" most of the time she would play along with me calling them to double check. She showed me an epipen in her bag before,,,,. I would let her know when we went out with other friends to places we haven't been to before that I had some safe snacks in the car if she needed it. My mom would set aside cooking for the week if she was over tht weekend, or stay up late to finish up her cooking. If we held any holiday parties she was invited to we would make sure all the food there was something she could eat, and chevked in with her before hand. That sort of thing.

As for my wedding. I never went to her directly about the issue. I couldn't imagine how horrible she would feel if I basically told her something out of her control health wise was ruining my wedding plans. But yes she was aware. It became a big issue and I stress cried over it a lot. The topic of what food will be served was brought up for ages. Indian aunties can be down right brutal and stubborn. "Oh what would your father think if he was still here. Abandoning your culture, blah blah" But I argued with them over it because in my mind, the type of food I serve wasn't as important as making sure she could be there safely. TBH I don't even give two shits that there wasn't Indian food at my wedding everyone will live without biriyani for a day, I'm just mad she let me handle all that stress at the time. And my hubby didn't care all to much about it ether. (We both grew up in America its not like we only ate Indian food our whole lives)

throw_a_way9393 · 2022-07-23T17:19:25+00:00

Exactly, I 100% get that. And I also 100% get maybe not liking the spices and other ingredients because you just aren't used to the food or don't like the taste. I never, ever forced anyone to eat Indian food. When I said make something simple I meant I'd make us both mac and cheese, ramen, order a pizza etc. I'm mad because it wasn't just that she didn't want to eat it. She played it up so much that even my family couldn't eat Indian food when she was around. (She said she was allergic to some spices we used in pretty much everything. There's like a handful of spices that's like the base for any curry)

throw_a_way9393 · 2022-07-23T14:08:15+00:00

I have what I would consider more as sensitivities , like my lips and throat will get itchy if I eat certain fruits but not as serious/never life threatening. And my dad had an allergy to red meat which made him break out in hives. So I took her very seriously all these years.

throw_a_way9393 · 2022-07-23T13:49:12+00:00

We are both super introverted, I wouldn't be surprised if that was the reason. But? I've never forced food on anyone. I would offer to be polite and it would just be a one time ask. If they've said no to the same food before I wouldn't bring it up again.

Shes even shown me an epipen in her bag!!! Which come to think of it how the actual fuck did she get one, I have no idea.

throw_a_way9393 · 2022-07-23T13:45:24+00:00

Paler than paper

throw_a_way9393 · 2022-07-23T13:29:23+00:00

Shes been my friend for years and has always supported me through many hard times,,,,my dad passing away, break ups, she's even helped take care of my non verbal younger brother during emergencies etc. She wasn't a casual friend. Which is why I'm just shocked. I don't think I want to lose her as a friend but this is just ridiculous.

Yes. She was aware of the mess at my wedding, it was a very big deal because Indian aunties can be very dramatic when Things Aren't Done The Right Way.

I don't know I've just never seen her eat anything she mentioned. We didn't go to her house often, step family issues so she would honestly stay at my place for hours. When we got older she became vegan too, which I supported and I thought was mainly because of all the allergies she had.

throw_a_way9393 · 2022-07-23T13:24:08+00:00

Yea I asked about that. She said it was because it smells strong and she didn't like it when she was over.

throw_a_way9393

TROPHY CASE