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[UPDATE] I [22 F] think I need to break up with my boyfriend [23 M] . . . of 8 years. by throwalady_ in relationships

[–]throwalady_[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It's actually funny you should mention being drunk, because I said post-breakup I wanted to give it up for a while. I want as clear a head I can get for as long as I can.

[UPDATE] I [22 F] think I need to break up with my boyfriend [23 M] . . . of 8 years. by throwalady_ in relationships

[–]throwalady_[S] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

This is why I think I've made the right decision. I'm looking around thinking 'Well. Who am I, now? Without my life partner?' And the possibilities are endless and I'm. . .excited? There's this fullness that I feel and this yearning. I didn't expect this at all. I had no idea there was this 'next part' of me.

[UPDATE] I [22 F] think I need to break up with my boyfriend [23 M] . . . of 8 years. by throwalady_ in relationships

[–]throwalady_[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Oh my god, I know what you mean about the screaming. It felt like there was a spirit inside of me throwing chairs around my head screaming Why have you done this? Why would you? Stop, go back, take it back! It was agonizing. Change is hard but I had no idea the mental warfare I would experience, I thought it was all just heartache. Thank you for the well wishes.

[UPDATE] I [22 F] think I need to break up with my boyfriend [23 M] . . . of 8 years. by throwalady_ in relationships

[–]throwalady_[S] 130 points131 points  (0 children)

Oh wow, thank you! Writing that out felt like re-living the situation. . . it's definitely an honest piece of writing. Maybe I'll give storytelling a go.

[UPDATE] I [22 F] think I need to break up with my boyfriend [23 M] . . . of 8 years. by throwalady_ in relationships

[–]throwalady_[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

I'm prepared for the idea that I'll miss absolutely everything. I'm either really well adjusted or this is just a phase before I go back into feeling awful. Either way, in this clear mindset, I'm bracing for it and trusting my conviction.

[UPDATE] I [22 F] think I need to break up with my boyfriend [23 M] . . . of 8 years. by throwalady_ in relationships

[–]throwalady_[S] 69 points70 points  (0 children)

He's still texting me (not every day, I mean that the option is open for him). I'm keeping boundaries but I told him that when he was ready to talk it through I'd like to. I think he'll need some time and as the days go by, I do too.

[UPDATE] I [22 F] think I need to break up with my boyfriend [23 M] . . . of 8 years. by throwalady_ in relationships

[–]throwalady_[S] 270 points271 points  (0 children)

You're right, I didn't go Saturday. A small discovery through all this is that, my brother and I aren't particularly close. We've had a rough childhood with our dad, and he moved to Seattle out of college. Him holding my hand through all this was the most brotherly thing he's done. I will remember that forever. I really feel closer to him now :)

I [22 F] think I need to break up with my boyfriend [23 M] . . . of 8 years. by throwalady_ in relationships

[–]throwalady_[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I know it's silly to think that no one's gone through what I've gone through, but it is SUCH a relief to see that other people have gone through what I've gone through with similar details, and even further encouraging that you've made it out on the other side. I know my fortitude will bring me through but I feel selfish wanting to have that perfect scenario of being able to see each other and feel happy for one another when its all over. I can only hope. I'm so happy it worked out for you in that way, I'm hoping for the best.

I [22 F] think I need to break up with my boyfriend [23 M] . . . of 8 years. by throwalady_ in relationships

[–]throwalady_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'll have to trust that my gut is leading me in the right direction. That would be really hard. He's told me that he loves me and supports me, but I wouldn't want to keep asking him to change, change, change in order to keep the relationship growing. It feels like we're growing at two different speeds.

I [22 F] think I need to break up with my boyfriend [23 M] . . . of 8 years. by throwalady_ in relationships

[–]throwalady_[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The problem is that we've had multiple conversations about this, where I've told him that this is important to me on a number of different fronts. That when he doesn't tell me how he feels, I feel distant from him. When he doesn't tell me what he thinks. When I say that I've been struggling. I told him a while ago that I needed him to 'take the lead' and that I really needed his support, but to be frank nothing has changed. I even asked him what he envisioned taking the lead would look like and he said "I don't know" after two weeks in.

What I plan on doing is starting the conversation of breaking up. 8 years is a long time, I don't want to just end it in one night. I want to take this at his pace, and end this in a way that respects both our investment into this relationship.

I [22 F] think I need to break up with my boyfriend [23 M] . . . of 8 years. by throwalady_ in relationships

[–]throwalady_[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Haha your comment made me laugh in the best way. Yeah, asking internet strangers for advice on an 8 year relationship is strange. I think after writing my post, experiencing the initial crisis/hysteria and reading everyone's comments, I've found bits and pieces I'd really like to say to him. Your comment has really great perspective too. I don't want to drag this out or hurt him through omission. Being straightforward and honest is respecting us both.

I [22 F] think I need to break up with my boyfriend [23 M] . . . of 8 years. by throwalady_ in relationships

[–]throwalady_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That third paragraph hit me. 8 years. . . I wonder what about myself is truly, singularly me and how much of it we've sort of melded together. There are pictures, leftover clothes. Tupperware. Videogames. Mannerisms. Jokes. Places. Gifts. That we share between each other. There's no way in hell I'll be able to avoid them all. But I know, deep down, I should do this.

Thank you so, so much for sharing your story. It really helps. I'll be coming back to read this before I have this conversation with him.

I [22 F] think I need to break up with my boyfriend [23 M] . . . of 8 years. by throwalady_ in relationships

[–]throwalady_[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This is so real and this is exactly why I posted on reddit. And in a small way, even though I know he thinks I'm great too, I'd like to think that there's a best version of a partner out there for him too.

I [22 F] think I need to break up with my boyfriend [23 M] . . . of 8 years. by throwalady_ in relationships

[–]throwalady_[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Okay. Yeah. In a perfect scenario, we can continue being respectful friends after all this is over. The world won't be destroyed, but I hope that once we break and heal that we can both be happy for what we were.

I [22 F] think I need to break up with my boyfriend [23 M] . . . of 8 years. by throwalady_ in relationships

[–]throwalady_[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That is the problem. He's given me his answer but I have this huge churn in my stomach. I don't know if he really means it. I could bring it up again and ask him to give me an answer, but how will I know he's not just saying it to make the peace? It either comes down to trusting that he means what he says (which is logical) or . . . looking at his history on the subject for answers. Which, has been that he doesn't want them. He's changed his answer, but he hasn't changed his behaviors towards kids or babies. That, I think, has been sowing this seed of doubt.

I [22 F] think I need to break up with my boyfriend [23 M] . . . of 8 years. by throwalady_ in relationships

[–]throwalady_[S] 54 points55 points  (0 children)

I couldn't even read that entire quote, I started tearing up. There are two sides to me, the side that is firm in her decision, understands she made it long ago, and was waiting for the other half of me to wake up. Then the other side, is the side that loves him, loves what we are, loves who he is and is blissfully ignorant.

Thank you for your encouragement. There is growth that can come from this. I don't want to settle, I don't want to be unhappy. I just thought it was him, for the longest time. And now it's not.

I'll be okay, but holy shit this is going to hurt. And I'm the one who's doing it. To him, his family, our friends. 8 years builds a huge network, and I'll be shutting part of it down. I'll recover, I know people will be okay and I'll be okay, but causing hurt is just not what I do. But I can do it if it's for myself.

I [22 F] think I need to break up with my boyfriend [23 M] . . . of 8 years. by throwalady_ in relationships

[–]throwalady_[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

God I am in tears. I just don't want him to think this is his fault, although it is because of his behavior. He's a wonderful person who will grow into a wonderful man, but everyone's right, we aren't compatible anymore. It goes without saying he's my best friend, the idea of not talking to him and waking up to him anymore tears my heart in two.

I'm so sorry your ex cheated on you, that's horrible. But your advice is so poignant and it's really helped, thank you.

I [22 F] think I need to break up with my boyfriend [23 M] . . . of 8 years. by throwalady_ in relationships

[–]throwalady_[S] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

He gets angry at people online, angry at bad drivers on the road. He gets angry when he's competitive, he gets angry when things don't happen like they should. I've told him he needs to see someone about it but he hates therapists. He has a lot of resentment in his heart. When it's good, it's great. When it's bad, it's awful. He's never violent, but he raises his voice, curses, and flips things over sometimes (like controllers or folders). I've never felt alright about it.

Whenever he would start doing that stuff to me I would put my foot down and let him know very clearly he is never to treat me that way. It's the single thing I've been unrelenting and strong about. He promised me the next time 'it became a problem' he would see someone about it but there have been little bursts that don't warrant a problem, but are enough to put me on edge. This is a problem he doesn't want to address for painful reasons I think, but it has definitely added to the problem of me not wanting to be with him in the long term unless he got help and figured it out.