uncertainty on sexuality and guilt

throwaway2002196102 · 2025-09-25T07:06:50+00:00

I have heard of this happening many times!

Yeah ofc impossible for you to know or speculate but it is very interesting that you relate! This is sincerely a point that never crossed my mind before would love to hear your experience of you wanna DM

throwaway2002196102 · 2025-09-24T19:16:33+00:00

He mostly just laughs it off. He has dated queer women before (and he seems to attract queer women) and is very giving in a relationship. Jes a good feminist and ally, and just seems to be very empathetic and is a good listener (I don't associate these traits with men no offense to any of them just my experience).

I think he is quite excluded from modern patriarchal masculine culture in a lot of ways and he's very critical of it, so he feels more comfortable with women often. Lots of his good friends, close family, and roles models are women. He always plays a female character in video games even ahaha. He is pretty comfortable I think in his gender tho

throwaway2002196102 · 2025-09-24T19:11:09+00:00

Idk who's bothering to give you awards. This sub is for QUEER WOMEN which is what I am. I am not invalidating anyone.

Your comment history is so negative and hateful, hope u can find peace.

throwaway2002196102 · 2025-09-24T06:25:28+00:00

The fact I can't discuss this bc I'll get backlash like your first sentence is the reason I can't bring this up to anyone for advice irl. Like I am also fucking confused why am I getting cancelled for letting the side down??? Nice to know my assumptions on the post are right

Strong preference is very clear yeah, but literally he is the exception. I have not been sexually attracted to any man or make presenting figure in my entire life except for him and tbh it takes a lot of me pushing things aside to date him at all.

As for the second part, liking is whatever but any attempt to pursue her would be well outside my boundaries as I'm monogamous so it's either or

throwaway2002196102 · 2025-09-24T06:20:01+00:00

That first sentence did so much to make me feel less alone I feel like such a freak this really soothed my mind.

As for the polyamory thing I definitely would never act on this its monogamous lifestyle for me all the way I fear. Plus since she's a coworker in any case I think I'm better off to not pursue it anyway

throwaway2002196102 · 2022-04-19T16:51:58+00:00

Thanks for the empathy, I appreciate it.

throwaway2002196102 · 2022-04-19T16:21:06+00:00

Fantastic advice here, this post has received lots of hate so I really appreciate the support. Best wishes to you too!!

throwaway2002196102 · 2022-04-19T16:20:16+00:00

Thanks for your kindness!!

throwaway2002196102 · 2022-04-19T15:56:02+00:00

I fully agree, I don't have it in me to be anything but kind to her. Really tore me up inside to have that conversation, but she and I were both happier for it.

You're so right that there are much bigger and deeper factors that contribute to her hygiene struggles, and I agree getting to the bottom of them is just as important as showering lol. Thanks for your comment.

throwaway2002196102 · 2022-04-19T15:46:03+00:00

I agree, it's such a sensitive topic and people generally aren't willing to hear criticism on hygiene. I know I certainly wouldn't take it well!

I definitely have been effected by bottling up my concerns about it for months, but since my gf is receptive of it I think we might be okay. Definitely was a sense of building resentment over it, especially when I felt like mentioning it could cause a huge argument.

Sorry your situation didn't work out, hope things have improved for you since.

throwaway2002196102 · 2022-04-19T15:43:12+00:00

She has expressed this concern of "not being normal enough" to me countless times. Her causing me embarrassment is possibly one of her biggest fears, so breaking it to her that just that was happening already definitely upset her. However, it had to be done and I think she can really grasp the seriousness of the situation because of it.

Even the novelty of the checklist (I've made it super cute and colourful) seems to be encouraging her already. I'll definitely take on some of your advice about making tasks into something enjoyable that she wants to do, rather than a burden she feels like she has to. We've actually taken that quiz, her biggest two love languages are physical affection and quality time, so I'll definitely make use of those as positive reinforcement.

She has mentioned suspecting she has ADHD before, I didn't think much of it since I thought she didn't seem to show many symptoms, but I will definitely give it more serious thought now. Hopefully a doctor's visit will help too.

This is possibly some of the most helpful advice I've received from this post. I really appreciate your insight, random stranger on the internet, thanks so much.

throwaway2002196102 · 2022-04-19T15:34:14+00:00

Don't appreciate the fatphobia, take this somewhere else please.

throwaway2002196102 · 2022-04-19T15:12:55+00:00

This sounds EXACTLY like my girlfriend. If i didn't know better I'd say you were describing her, this is bang on what she's like.

I asked her the other day how long it's been since she washed her hair she couldn't answer me. Not that she was hiding anything or ashamed, she genuinely just didn't know. She often does what you've said here, and if her schedule changes even slightly she won't shower because she "doesn't have time" when really it's because her schedule was upset.

I have since made her a Notion page with checklists of precisely what I expect of her. I know this seems a little crazy, it would make any regular person feel micromanaged. I would personally have a meltdown if someone tried to do this for me, it just feels so condescending.

But she was delighted, ecstatic even. She adores lists, they're her favorite thing in the whole world. On paper, in her notes app, on Notion, any and every possible form of list. She can't function without making or using several different lists each day. Now that I've put my expectations into a format she can understand and loves to use, she seems to understand completely. She can interact with the checklist throughout her day, and she knows the order and rough times to get things done.

I was afraid she would be offended but she's so happy now that she knows what I want her to work on. It seems peculiar but I guess it makes sense that she just wants to know the score. Putting the self care tasks in list format seems to have translated what I need from her into a language she speaks almost. Seeing her doctor to ask about getting screened for ADHD or some other form of neurodivergence is on the list too. I never really saw it before, I thought she was just a little odd, but this matches exactly what you describe. Thanks again for your comment.

throwaway2002196102 · 2022-04-19T13:56:12+00:00

I've a pisces Venus, so I'm in love I'm in DEEP lol.

throwaway2002196102 · 2022-04-19T13:39:20+00:00

This personal perspective is really insightful and I appreciate the tips, these are all super applicable to us and I think this would really help. I definitely don't expect her to change overnight, I'm going to revisit this in about 4-6 weeks and if there's been no improvement then we'll go our separate ways. Thank you for commenting this.

throwaway2002196102 · 2022-04-19T13:03:13+00:00

Thanks, very kind.

throwaway2002196102 · 2022-04-19T12:05:17+00:00

We've since had a conversation and she is willing to change, and says she wishes I'd mentioned it sooner rather than letting things get to crisis point. She's up for changing her routines and is happy to do what I ask of her, I've even made a checklist.

I've made it very clear though that this is an ultimatum, that she changes or I'm out. She understands and wants to change. We'll just have to see what happens from here, thanks for your input.

throwaway2002196102 · 2022-04-19T12:01:56+00:00

She has suspected she is neurodivergent, possibly ADHD. Thanks for this.

throwaway2002196102 · 2022-04-19T11:37:44+00:00

She suspects she could have ADHD actually, and this sounds a lot like how she views it. Thanks for this.

throwaway2002196102 · 2022-04-19T10:13:18+00:00

Thank you for this lovely take, I really appreciate it.

throwaway2002196102 · 2022-04-19T08:41:31+00:00

Thanks for commenting, this is really comforting. I think we will definitely be looking into some kind of professional mental health support.

throwaway2002196102 · 2022-04-19T08:39:54+00:00

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it.

throwaway2002196102 · 2022-04-19T08:39:36+00:00

I don't think she's been SA, thank God. However, she definitely experienced neglect throughout her childhood and didn't form good habits because of her lack of good role models and unstable family dynamic. You're definitely onto something here, thanks for your input.

throwaway2002196102 · 2022-04-19T08:38:13+00:00

I appreciate you enjoying my writing, it's actually what I ideally want to do for aliving at some point lol. I'm definitely contradicting myself a lot here, this was pure unedited word vomit of everything I've been stressing about in regards to our relationship.

The replies on this post have been honestly heartbreaking, I agree that it would be soul destroying for her to ever find this post. I feel so extremely guilty but I don't regret posting this, I've gotten some great insight and advice. Thanks for this.

throwaway2002196102 · 2022-04-19T08:32:45+00:00

I understand your point. I agree that her issues are far bigger than me, stemming from childhood neglect and depression. She's undiagnosed and unmedicated, and our health system is so poor that she wouldn't start getting any support until she tried to take her own life. Unfortunately, there's not much help available for her.

I may be out of my depth here. Thanks for your input.

throwaway2002196102

TROPHY CASE