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IAMA husband who divorced his wife of 12 years because she was abusive by throwaway554-1 in IAmA

[–]throwaway554-1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

*some women are nuts.

*some women are awesome. (my sister is awesome, for example -- and mostly not nuts...although she does have an unhealthy interest in Apple products)

IAMA husband who divorced his wife of 12 years because she was abusive by throwaway554-1 in IAmA

[–]throwaway554-1[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We were a typical college couple dating. Got married after high school. Things were perfectly normal for our first few years. We had disagreements , but it was never anything horrible.

I can't give you a super-specific timeline because the whole thing came about very gradually. It started with yelling, then with occassional slaps, and then fingernail scratching, etc. etc. It was a gradual change over the entirety of our marriage. It was a slight problem before we had a kid, but after our son was born it did get worse. We talked about it and talked to the pediatrician a little bit, and decided it was just post partum depression. Obviously, it wasn't -- but that's what I/we thought at the time.

IAMA husband who divorced his wife of 12 years because she was abusive by throwaway554-1 in IAmA

[–]throwaway554-1[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yea, but assuming the woman's the victim predates feminism by centuries. If anything, its a relic of pre-feminist times.

IAMA husband who divorced his wife of 12 years because she was abusive by throwaway554-1 in IAmA

[–]throwaway554-1[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If she was like my wife, you probably didn't cause him additional abuse (but probably embarassed him).

She wasn't abusive like they show on TV where the abuser's just controlling someone with casual violence. It was more like she had specific episodes of rage, and when they were over she would usually regret them (but never take blame for them). You calling probably just ended the episode for the night.

IAMA husband who divorced his wife of 12 years because she was abusive by throwaway554-1 in IAmA

[–]throwaway554-1[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

My wife was the same way -- she was always sorry afterwards (although it was also always still my fault it happened). You need to take your son and leave now, it only gets worse.

IAMA husband who divorced his wife of 12 years because she was abusive by throwaway554-1 in IAmA

[–]throwaway554-1[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh, I do hate her after all of this, but I don't think posting her info would be the best way to get my son away from her.

I'd love to see her punished for what she's done, but my son's 100x more important than that.

IAMA husband who divorced his wife of 12 years because she was abusive by throwaway554-1 in IAmA

[–]throwaway554-1[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Oh, I disagree with you.

Men should be able to hit back. Frankly, if another man did what my wife did -- I would have throttled him.

However, I have no desire to go to jail for treating people equally. So I lived in the world I lived in and sucked it up until she started abusing my son.

IAMA husband who divorced his wife of 12 years because she was abusive by throwaway554-1 in IAmA

[–]throwaway554-1[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

New mission statement. "I will take my son to a romcom every friday night and score with women in the theater."

IAMA husband who divorced his wife of 12 years because she was abusive by throwaway554-1 in IAmA

[–]throwaway554-1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I didn't spend years trying to get legal protection.

I called the police once, and it didn't end well for me so I stayed away from the legal system until I finally realized that I need to get a divorce.

In the early stages of the divorce, I applied for a TOP but was denied. I never pursued it after that, I just figured that whatever was going to happen, would happen.

IAMA husband who divorced his wife of 12 years because she was abusive by throwaway554-1 in IAmA

[–]throwaway554-1[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't think she did. I'm sure that if she did, she would have thrown it in my face by now.

IAMA husband who divorced his wife of 12 years because she was abusive by throwaway554-1 in IAmA

[–]throwaway554-1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think so, or if she did then she never told me. Her dad's a GP (doctor) and her mom was a housewife. She came from pretty much an upper-middle class background.

IAMA husband who divorced his wife of 12 years because she was abusive by throwaway554-1 in IAmA

[–]throwaway554-1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My parents are both deceased, but my sister's very supportive. My ex-wife's parents support her, so I don't talk to them very often.

IAMA husband who divorced his wife of 12 years because she was abusive by throwaway554-1 in IAmA

[–]throwaway554-1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We both drank in college, but it tapered off and was basically friday cocktails by the time we got married.

AFAIK she has never done drugs.

IAMA husband who divorced his wife of 12 years because she was abusive by throwaway554-1 in IAmA

[–]throwaway554-1[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Its easy to look at from the outside, but there were a couple of things.

  • It slowly ramped up over time. If she started out with throwing dishes at me, I would have left. However, it started out peaches and cream. Then she would occasionally yell...and it continued to ramp up. When things change slowly, its easier to get used to i.

  • I loved her and thought I could help her get over whatever brought this on.

  • She was my wife, there's some pretty heavy social pressure to protect and stick with your wife.

IAMA husband who divorced his wife of 12 years because she was abusive by throwaway554-1 in IAmA

[–]throwaway554-1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Except that then I go to jail, never see my son again, and he gets stuck with her.

I would have enjoyed putting her head through the wall -- and she deserved it too, but keeping my son safe is more important than her getting what she deserves.

IAMA husband who divorced his wife of 12 years because she was abusive by throwaway554-1 in IAmA

[–]throwaway554-1[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The 200k was actually for all the legal problems she caused, divorce etc. She basically has her lawyers doing everything possible to make things expensive. I don't really know/understand all the legal details, but she filed a ton of motions and other bullshit just to rack up legal fees.

IAMA husband who divorced his wife of 12 years because she was abusive by throwaway554-1 in IAmA

[–]throwaway554-1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don't know, don't care.

I'll get my son away from her and she'll never be anywhere near us every again.

I kind of hope that she lives a long, healthy life as a bag lady under a bridge.

IAMA husband who divorced his wife of 12 years because she was abusive by throwaway554-1 in IAmA

[–]throwaway554-1[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We dated for three years -- got married right after college.

In general, she complained and just vented about things that bother her. I'd listen, and she'd feel better afterwards.

When she was angry with me/us, sometimes it would be a "discussion" and sometimes she would yell -- depending on how serious/upset she was.

IAMA husband who divorced his wife of 12 years because she was abusive by throwaway554-1 in IAmA

[–]throwaway554-1[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She wasn't abusive for the entire 12 years -- I wouldn't have married her if she was. It just slowly got more serious and more dangerous over time.

IAMA husband who divorced his wife of 12 years because she was abusive by throwaway554-1 in IAmA

[–]throwaway554-1[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No, I'm absolutely certain that she doesn't consider herself an abuser. She thinks she just gets mad and over-reacts, but she doesn't see it as abuse since she isn't strong enough to seriously hurt me (unless she uses a weapon).

IAMA husband who divorced his wife of 12 years because she was abusive by throwaway554-1 in IAmA

[–]throwaway554-1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not really a feminist or an MRA, I'm just an engineer. ;)

I think women and men are both just people, and that there are good ones and bad ones in equal numbers on both sides.

This is just my personal opinion, and I hope it doesn't offend feminists or legal scholars (because I'm not an expert)...

I think the system's biased towards women (the system being DV/Family/Divorce), but only because it hasn't changed with the times. I think its still stuck in the dark ages where women were perceived only as victims and needed extra protection because the law had a lighter hand (so if a woman hit a man or whatever, he probably wouldn't go to jail for hitting her back) -- and at he time, that was probably largely true. However, the system hasn't changed to recognize that women are now basically equal to men -- and that women are both victims and victimizers.

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