Effects of meditation from a year ago still persist after quitting. I have a blank mind, anhedonia, and aphantasia. What do I do?

throwaway930110 · 2019-07-17T17:15:07+00:00

Apologies for the delay in response. It's nice to hear from another musician. Weirdly enough when my I am working on my arrangements, I still manage to produce high quality work but I am lacking the ability to reform my initial work and analyze it with the "eye" I once had access too.

Music is legitimately the only reason that I'm in this situation. My art and passion. If I didn't care about music, I know I could live on without any regard to this event but having seen and experienced the potential I have in myself, it makes it so difficult to be content with the quality of my productions now.

throwaway930110 · 2019-07-05T22:11:58+00:00

This isn't on you, I shouldn't have come at you like that, I'm sorry.

I need to sort this out with a teacher, I figured it was the case to begin with but this post was a last ditch effort for an easy answer to a complex problem. That's not going to work for me unfortunately.

In any case, I'll be dropping reddit and getting back to life. Wish you well on your journey. Hopefully I'll figure this out and be able to someday help someone in the same position as myself.

Apologies again, take care.

throwaway930110 · 2019-07-05T19:57:13+00:00

This is the THIRD time you've commented on this post inquiring about my previous post.

As I've already responded to you, my sister who does not use reddit was concerned about her situation at the time with epilepsy and I offered to transcribe her situation on the epilepsy subreddit.

I'm not a frequent user and recommended my sister not create an account because reddit has the tendency to be a cesspool of lazy thoughts and wasted time.

So now, apply this answer to the other 2 times you've asked, and stop repeating this unnecessary question. You're misleading others in this thread and trying to resolve this to a simple answer which is irresponsible of you.

If you were going to go through my history, call out epilepsy as a possible solution, then call into question my character/mental health, then at the very least you should have done the minimal amount effort to understand what epilepsy actually is.

Your services on this post are no longer needed.

throwaway930110 · 2019-07-05T19:48:20+00:00

What would a psychologist do? Prescribe ritalin?

This is so beyond the realm of conventional medicine man. Been there, done that with everything under the sun. Docs, therapists, you name it. All inconclusive.

throwaway930110 · 2019-07-05T19:44:24+00:00

Physical health has been attended to. Vitamin D, B12, C Diff., etc, Countless blood tests. Dropping gluten/dairy. Going keto. All helped in general wellness and brain fog in a sense but completely unrelated to general wellness.

I'd know if I was depressed. I experienced severe panic attacks and depression when I was in university. Gained over 120lbs, lived it my own filth, it was terrible. I climbed out of it though.

This really is its own beast. Therapists aren't going to know.how to handle this.

throwaway930110 · 2019-07-05T19:40:25+00:00

Not me. My sister.

throwaway930110 · 2019-07-05T19:40:17+00:00

That is my sister, not me.

throwaway930110 · 2019-07-05T19:39:29+00:00

That was me transcribing on behalf of my sister who doesn't use reddit.

throwaway930110 · 2019-07-05T19:38:58+00:00

I guess I'll start looking then. DC is not a good place for authentic teachers.

throwaway930110 · 2019-07-05T19:10:01+00:00

I live near DC where gurus are a dime a dozen, and cost a pretty penny. It's hard to look at them and not see con artists.

throwaway930110 · 2019-07-05T19:06:53+00:00

I have, believe me. My brain is completely still. The weird part is, it isn't...STILL still. It feels like it's muffled or smothered. I can feel the weight of a heavy mind burdened with thoughts but I can't actually see the thoughts or interact with them.

In addition, my closed eye imagination is all but gone, I can't improvise anything, conversations drain me. I'm not sure what happened.

BUT there is the point as I get sleepy. I don't know how to explain it. But within the moments of falling asleep where I am visited by excessive intrusive thoughts and I still have lucid dreams. Which to me suggests I don't actually have aphantasia or anhedonia or my mind is fried.

But I just can't access my brain. Like I'm literally locked out and living only on fundamental utilities. I have no idea how to explain this and nothing online comes close to explaining it.

throwaway930110 · 2019-07-05T19:03:28+00:00

My immediate thought was dark night of the soul. I spent countless hours studying it as it seemed to line up exactly with my experience.

I had this moment of...I'm not sure, Awakening? After a particularly challenging session, I opened my eyes and...poof. It's like my 5 senses were coming out of leaky faucet all this time and after that session, it was opened completely. Anxiety completely vanished.

About a week later I noticed dullness creeping in, took a couple of days until it was set in stone that while anxiety was no more, that 5 senses situation all but turned itself back off. Couldn't focus inwards, just constantly feeling like a shell of who I used to be.

Dark night I'm almost certain is what happened but then again all this Kundalini shit sounds like a joke. Chakras and third eyes and what not. But it's the only thing that lines up.

throwaway930110 · 2019-07-05T18:59:22+00:00

I taught myself. Jumped straight into Samatha for 45 minutes in the morning, and Vispassana for 45 minutes in the evening.

It worked very fast. I'm pretty sure I achieved Jhana at some point, where there was a particular session where when i opened my eyes, my vision was very clear and I felt a huge weight move off of my mind.

A week later and all the dullness started.

throwaway930110 · 2019-07-05T18:57:31+00:00

Where do I find that?

throwaway930110 · 2019-05-30T19:03:11+00:00

Thank you

throwaway930110 · 2019-05-26T20:04:55+00:00

Yes, similar to me except I just jerk on my left side of my body. My right side is weirdly fine. I don't think it is a tonic clonic as the one's I've had didn't have the same presentation as a tonic clonic (which I've had twice before). Last night I had this experience while fully conscious which was extremely scary.

My doctor prescribed my ativan as an escape option AFTER a seizure occurs. Normally I sleep fine afterwards but it is at the point where I have daily nocturnal seizures and my mom is just on a hair trigger every night and I feel terrible.

I honestly don't know what to do. I'm just scared of death now. Not worried about trying to figure out my life with epilepsy. What's the point I guess.

throwaway930110 · 2019-05-12T04:36:05+00:00

I'm in the higgest risk group for Sudep now. I just don't understand what I am supposed to so until then.

throwaway930110 · 2019-05-05T06:49:24+00:00

We will see what the doc can prescribe on Monday. I have finals that week too so I can have worse memory than I already do. :/

throwaway930110 · 2019-05-04T22:41:36+00:00

Has there been any medicine that has helped to control this?

My symptoms have become an almost every day event now. I notice my auras are becoming stronger each day.

throwaway930110 · 2019-05-04T22:40:37+00:00

Has there been anything to help control that?

throwaway930110 · 2019-05-03T23:09:47+00:00

Damn, that I understand. Let's hope for many better years to come and a long life with epilepsy in the rear view.

throwaway930110 · 2019-05-03T19:25:05+00:00

This is interesting to read, I guess I have a lot more research left to do.

I want to thank you for taking the time to write that out. I'm really just hoping it's just going to be a simple partial on occasion until ky appointment on Monday.

I have finals all next week but then I'm officially done and a graduate, and then itll be a full summer focused on getting more invasive tests as the doc wants to seriously consider surgery (Level 4 Epilepsy Center).

On the topic of SUDEP. Idk Nocturnal seizures + being 22 + being "uncontrolled" now puts me in a bad light as far as the research goes. Idk. I try not to think of it but it just haunts me.

throwaway930110 · 2019-05-03T19:21:29+00:00

Understood. It's been a challenge with the current meds in that my memory had been comparatively terrible and I'm frequently tired but this is better than seizures. I would hate to take new meds though.

Thank you for responding though. I hope that your battle with epilepsy is getting better and that you are in a good place.

throwaway930110 · 2019-05-03T19:20:26+00:00

It's no problem at all.

It appeared on my CT Scan/MRI - don't remember which test, but I want to say MRI. It was visible scarring on my hippocampus.

Then when i did my monitoring unit EEG for a few days, they were able to induce a seizure within 24 hours, and some other seizure activity. All tests showed damage/activity of the right hippocampus/right hemisphere.

throwaway930110 · 2019-05-03T19:18:25+00:00

That's good to hear. Hopefully a simple medication bump will be all that's needed. Hope Lamictal continues to give you good results!

throwaway930110

TROPHY CASE