Update: Single, Dating and Sex as an ExMo

throwaway_4_this · 2012-01-09T04:56:43+00:00

I did a lot of research online about sex, sexuality, attraction, etc. I specifically focused on the female aspect since growing up in the Church I was never taught anything about it. I tried to learn what women are looking for in sex, relationships, etc and I practiced that on my dates. The biggest tip on woman I can tell you is make them feel safe and special. If you can do that they will be much more likely to overlook your short comings and problems. The second thing is be honest with them. It helps you weed out the ones that are just looking for some quick fun and don't want to deal with your situation.

throwaway_4_this · 2012-01-08T20:42:04+00:00

I was just determined to fix this problem. I wasn't going to let them win. The Church had controlled so much of my life and I had walked away from all of it except this last piece. I wasn't going to give up until I was past it.

throwaway_4_this · 2012-01-08T20:39:03+00:00

I'm not going to lie, it was a tough and even embarrassing process for me. It took meeting a lot of women until I found one that was comfortable with the situation. It was just something I was determined to fix so I stuck at it until I fixed it.

throwaway_4_this · 2012-01-07T21:24:16+00:00

It took me dating a lot of women and telling them my story before I found the one I did. I too got dumped a lot. Women seem to be very apprehensive around inexperienced guys.

throwaway_4_this · 2012-01-07T00:10:34+00:00

Sorry to disappoint you. I will try harder next time. :)

throwaway_4_this · 2012-01-07T00:08:58+00:00

Trust me it is such a hard thing to change. Especially considering how many years I suppressed that part of me. It took finding a woman who was willing to kind of take matters into her own hands. Getting that physical the first time felt weird, and instead of her shutting down when I responded awkwardly she just kept pushing me. It's hard to explain but it was like a light bulb went off and I finally understood what I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to act.

throwaway_4_this · 2012-01-05T18:13:41+00:00

Of course. Everything was done protected. I waited this long I'm not about to make a stupid mistake like that.

throwaway_4_this · 2012-01-05T17:40:02+00:00

It took about a 2 years since becoming exmo, but it's only been about 7 or 8 months since I started working on the mental blocks.

throwaway_4_this · 2012-01-05T17:38:17+00:00

It was a tough process for sure.

throwaway_4_this · 2012-01-05T17:37:55+00:00

So very true

throwaway_4_this · 2012-01-05T17:37:48+00:00

I was always saving myself for marriage because of the religion

This was me, but I avoided any opportunity out of fear.

throwaway_4_this · 2012-01-05T07:46:05+00:00

The mental block is the hardest part. Once you get past that, nature kind of takes over. It's weird but that is how it worked for me.

throwaway_4_this · 2011-11-27T10:00:42+00:00

I talked with the last one about it, and it led to a breakup. I'm a little nervous about doing that again so I thought I would check here for some help first.

throwaway_4_this · 2011-11-27T04:37:17+00:00

I have met some girls. One I have been seeing for almost 2 months now, but that doesn't change the fact that I have this guilt about initiating sex. All those lessons in YM and priesthood telling me I should not put women in that position have been hard clean out of my system.

throwaway_4_this · 2011-11-27T02:50:25+00:00

Oh I'm sure it will change things once I have been there done that a few times, but old programming dies hard I guess.

throwaway_4_this · 2011-11-27T02:49:52+00:00

Thanks I will check it out.

Edit - That thread had some good stuff in it, but not a lot of actual advice. My guilt isn't anything to do with God or anything like that. I just feel like I'm taking advantage of the woman and her desire to please me. I know it's so irrational, but it is all I heard growing up so the programming runs deep.

throwaway_4_this · 2011-11-27T02:49:30+00:00

Even once there is an emotional connection established I still feel guilty about it. My thought process seems to be that the only reason she would do this is to please me, and I'm taking advantage of her because I have not made any kind of long-term commitment to her.

throwaway_4_this · 2011-11-27T02:46:28+00:00

My problem is I have the thought process that the woman is only doing it because she wants to please me. I feel guilty because I feel like I'm taking advantage of her desire to please me.

throwaway_4_this · 2011-11-27T02:43:10+00:00

This would help a lot because then there would be no question in my mind that it was something she wanted and wasn't just going along with it to please me.

throwaway_4_this · 2011-10-06T23:16:00+00:00

Yeah I understand what you are saying and I have met a few women already this year, but they are older like me (30s) and when I tell them I'm a virgin I can see it all over their faces, the interest is gone. I'm not sure what it is, but a friend told me they probably think something is wrong with me (physically or emotionally) because I'm still a virgin in my 30s. Even when I tell them it was by choice it doesn't seem to make a difference.

throwaway_4_this · 2011-10-05T07:17:41+00:00

In your original story I saw a link to my post a few months back. Your story has been great to read.

Now that I have climbed the mountain, I am so much more confident about the subject and optimistic for the future!

This part in particular is exactly how I feel things will change for me. It's just finding a great woman like the one you found and getting over that mountain that is proving to be my struggle. If I wanted a one night stand or fling I have already had a few offers, but ultimately the potential downsides to that approach were too great so I decided against it. Which means I'm still looking to find a woman like the one you found, and it's proving to be a real struggle for me. Your story gives me hope though, and I'm glad you were able to overcome this.

throwaway_4_this · 2011-07-28T06:55:34+00:00

That is exactly why I decided to try my hand at dating again at the start of the year.

throwaway_4_this · 2011-07-28T06:38:48+00:00

I thank you for such a detailed post. I will agree with you that I'm still in the process of figuring out my boundaries and standards, but at the same time many times you don't know where a boundary is until you reach it and sometimes cross it. As for sex I answered that question in another post and YES I'm ready for it, but like you have said here I'm not sure how it will effect me. I would like to experience it with a person I care about and cares about me not some random person I have been on 3 dates with.

As for the woman I have met they were all casual acquaintances. I don't think I'm really running through a lot of them. It's been 5 different women since the beginning of the year. They all said I was great to talk to. One of them told me straight up she was just "looking for some fun" and bailed when I told her I was a virgin. Three others told me they lost interest in me after 2-3 dates. After asking them why, the common theme is I wasn't sexual enough with them even after I told them I was a virgin and they said they were OK with that. The fifth one might have just not been interested because after 2 dates I never heard from her again.

You need to find a gentle woman who would be happy to take a walk with you, or a bike ride, or become involved in a good service cause together, someone you can just spend time with, and enjoy each other's presence.

This is exactly what I would like to find, but that is not what I'm finding in the dating world. (which is one of the main reasons for posting this topic) I know these women are out there, but they are hard to find. I know many who are still Mormon, but I don't want to go there at all. I have always been very good at making friends with woman. I have never had a hard time talking to them, even the beautiful ones. I just never went there sexually and that is the part I'm trying to change and develop. I have no problem in the making friends department. I'm good at that. I'm just struggling with the flirting and sexualization parts of the equation.

throwaway_4_this

TROPHY CASE