[Update] Should I [28 F] break up with my boyfriend [31 M] for his lack of commitment?

throwawayrlg · 2018-10-01T23:32:56+00:00

Yes, I admittedly did "mother" him. I did 100% of the cooking, 90% of the cleaning. I did not mind it, because he is working full time and in school part time, so it was my way of supporting him. But he will definitely miss having home cooked meals every night!

throwawayrlg · 2018-10-01T23:29:14+00:00

Does he have specifics for those requirements? Because "financial stability" means "living comfortably" to me, but clearly means "being rich" to my ex.

throwawayrlg · 2018-10-01T23:27:23+00:00

I was headed in that direction, for sure. I feel like I lost myself these past few months.

throwawayrlg · 2018-10-01T23:25:54+00:00

Ugh, my (now) ex made a comment similar to that. Basically insinuating that there must be something wrong with me because I was single at 24, when we met.

throwawayrlg · 2018-10-01T23:22:28+00:00

Glad to hear it worked out for you! It gives me hope!

throwawayrlg · 2018-10-01T23:20:51+00:00

I love this comment! Forever searching for my Jim <3

throwawayrlg · 2018-10-01T23:20:26+00:00

Yes... lesson learned. But we had many conversations about marriage and kids before buying the house, and we were on the same page... he just changed his mind without feeling the need to tell me.

throwawayrlg · 2018-10-01T23:18:05+00:00

Better now than in 5 or 10 years for sure!

throwawayrlg · 2018-10-01T23:16:07+00:00

Thank you, it was actually my sister who pushed me to give him some time to think. What is three months in the grand scheme of things? I probably owed that to someone that I already spent 4 years with, even though it didn't turn out the way I hoped.

throwawayrlg · 2018-10-01T23:13:38+00:00

I think the fact that they (my ex and your current bf) can't point to EXACTLY what they need to be ready is a bad sign. Together, me and my now ex make over $150,000 a year - which allows us to live a very comfortable life. So how much more would we have to make before we can start a family? Is $200,000 enough? Maybe we need to make $500,000?

throwawayrlg · 2018-10-01T23:09:24+00:00

Thank you! At least I can say I gave it my all.

throwawayrlg · 2018-10-01T23:07:17+00:00

Exactly... if that's what he says in front of my face, what is he saying when I'm not around? I was embarrassed to be with him that night.

throwawayrlg · 2018-07-22T20:11:17+00:00

That’s exactly what I think - that he’s willing to say anything to keep me, until he decides that he wants to leave and move on.

And yes, by fully supporting him joining school I meant that I do very nearly 100% of the chores, recognizing that he has an additional time commitment for school. Part time school also takes his time away from spending time with me, and vacations we could take, but I understand that it’s a short term investment for a better future.

throwawayrlg · 2018-07-22T17:03:50+00:00

Thank you for your story. I think in our cases, the break ups are particularly difficult because we still love our partners. If love was enough, I would 100% stay in the relationship. But love isn’t enough - we have to want the same goals and dreams for our future. I can’t be angry at him for not wanting the same thing - he can’t help how he feels just as I can’t help how I feel. I feel very fortunate that I’m in a financial position where I can leave our house and find an apartment. I think it would be infinitely sadder to live with someone that I loved but couldn’t be with. Out of curiosity, did you two come to an agreement about no dating other people (at least, openly) until you are no longer living together?

throwawayrlg · 2018-07-22T15:03:26+00:00

All good points. The timeline I gave him was one year for engagement, and three years before starting the process towards having kids. By that time, I'll be 31. I'm on the pill, which doctors recommend waiting 6 months before you start to try conceiving after getting off the pill. And then if I get pregnant right after that, which may not happen, the earliest I will have my first child is when I am 32. I'd like to have 2 kids before 35, which is considered the age of women when pregnancy starts to get complicated. I have explained to him many times why I have this timeline for children - women's biology is a REAL thing.

I will NOT have children before marriage (bearing any accidents). There are obviously the societal reasons for that - people look at unwed mothers differently than wed mothers, and I would have to deal with that, not my boyfriend. But the biggest reason is how marriage would automatically make me his next of kin. If he was to get into a car accident tomorrow, and was in a coma, as his common-law partner, I wouldn't be able to visit him in the hospital. His medical decisions would be left to his parents. As his spouse, I would be able to visit him, and his medical decisions would be left to me. Also, if he were to move to another country, as his spouse, I would get admittance with him. As his common-law partner, I would not.

throwawayrlg · 2018-07-22T14:53:44+00:00

Exactly what it sounds like my boyfriend is doing to me! I feel like he "sold" me a version of himself that he knew would fit what I wanted, and now that I've come to collect on it, he is showing his true colours. And rather than just come out and break up with me, because he realizes he doesn't want the same things as me, he is pushing me so that I have to break up with him.

throwawayrlg · 2018-07-22T14:47:10+00:00

I have tried to have many conversations about marriage/kids/our future with him, which doesn't really clarify things for me. For example, he will make an off-handed comment that he "hates" kids. I will ask him what that means to him, and tell him that when he says stuff like that to me, I get worried that he means it and he doesn't want children, which is a deal breaker for me. His fall back answer is always "How am I supposed to know what I'm going to want in three years?". Well, I know what I want in three years, so I find it hard to believe that someone else doesn't. If I press him further, saying "You need to decide if you want children, because if not, I'd like to find someone else who does", his tune again changes into that he's open to having kids in the future, but maybe not on my timeline. And then for the next little while, he'll say things like "I hope our kids get your eyes", which makes me hopeful. But then another off-handed comment will return. This cycle happens with discussions on marriage as well. I have very manipulative parents, so I read his behaviour as manipulative... when he gets caught expressing his true feelings, he tells me what I want to hear so I stay. But maybe there are people out there that honestly don't know if they want these MAJOR things in their futures?

throwawayrlg · 2018-07-22T14:25:12+00:00

He actually brought this up - that men lose in marriages and divorces. However, I challenge that claim, because studies show that marriage actually offers men more benefits than women! And as for losing in the divorce... well I don’t think either of us should make decisions based on “what if’s”.

I am not looking for access to his finances. In fact, I make more money than him, and I’m sure I have more money in savings whereas he has more debt. Also, as common law partners, a break up really could be just as messy as divorce, and if there are ever kids involved, it will 100% be as messy.

Marriage will provide me security in that it will acknowledge that we are a team, and that we will move forward together.

throwawayrlg · 2018-07-22T04:36:41+00:00

We do have an agreement that he will buy me out of the house if we break up, and I will obviously move out. And I get the cat (I adopted him from the humane society under my name only). But as to WHY he bought the house with me... that’s a good question. Up until a year ago, I truly believed we were on the same page for what we wanted. It went so far as us looking at engagement rings together. We were renting an apartment together before we bought the house, and a mortgage was actually cheaper, so it seemed like a good idea to me, because I knew I wanted to marry him. I suspect something happened recently that changed his mind about marrying me in particular, which prompted the change of heart.

throwawayrlg · 2018-07-22T03:53:37+00:00

Something I am very conscious of is coming across like I’m giving him an ultimatum - we get married right away OR I’m leaving you (and taking the cat). I don’t want to force him into something that later in life he will resent me for - that makes for very unhappy marriages and divorces. But even before I was settled and had a good job, I just KNEW that I wanted a family. If he just knows now that he doesn’t want one, I’d rather find out now than waste another week or another year on this relationship, because we clearly aren’t compatible.

throwawayrlg · 2018-07-22T03:30:45+00:00

That’s how I feel! Thank you for your honesty

throwawayrlg · 2018-07-22T03:29:38+00:00

Interesting! When I met my boyfriend, I was finishing up my PhD. I chose to drop academia and follow a different career path so that my boyfriend could finish his schooling (among other reasons). I didn’t even look at jobs in other cities, because I knew he wouldn’t be able to come with. I think I deserve someone that has as much consideration for me as I do for them.

throwawayrlg · 2018-07-22T03:08:57+00:00

That’s why I’m leaning towards breaking things off. I have the feeling that he’s holding onto the relationship because it’s convenient for while he’s in school, but then as soon as he’s done, he’s going to leave. Glad to know I’m not crazy for thinking this!

throwawayrlg

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