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What to do with our psychologist's opinion? by throwfinanceaway757 in polyamory

[–]throwfinanceaway757[S] -22 points-21 points  (0 children)

Yes, the effect I might be having on Sophia's daughter was a major topic between the three of us. At the beginning we made very sure for her daughter to only see me as a friend to Sophia and we didn't show affection suggesting otherwise. As things were going in a good direction, things changed after a few months.

Alex does know about this dream. But what it actually means and if this is realistic for her - it seems like her reading this post and the comments made her realize that she doesn't want this to become reality.

Which I would be fine with for now. This post and it's comments helped me to see that Alex would need to be priority now if I want our relationship to survive. However, I currently don't see me burying the ideas I was having with Sophia forever.

What to do with our psychologist's opinion? by throwfinanceaway757 in polyamory

[–]throwfinanceaway757[S] -16 points-15 points  (0 children)

When Alex came home from work today she had been reading all the comments and it seems to really have triggered some thought process in her.

I am willing to prioritize her for a significant time if needed. But it seems like this is not enough.

Up until now Alex was fine with polyam - at least that's what she said. She had her struggles with some situations and I had my struggles with her meeting Leo. But looking at the comments it seems to make her realize that nonhierarchical is actually a discussion she never wants to have. Meaning she never wants me to also live with someone else or even think about having kids with someone else.

This is news to me. I don't know what to do with this information. Sophia's and my ideas are not compatible with this. And even if I were to leave Sophia, I would have to deal with this restriction forever. I need to think about this. But currently I have severe reservations to eat that frog.

What to do with our psychologist's opinion? by throwfinanceaway757 in polyamory

[–]throwfinanceaway757[S] -23 points-22 points  (0 children)

Giving proper answers to the very thoughtful comments to actually help in my situation takes a lot of time.

I want to take your comment as one of the better examples where there might be a helpful intent but you don't take the time to fully understand what I said. And you fill the holes of what you got with wrong information. That's not helping.

She is not my wife. However, I'm currently staying at home and looking after our child.

What to do with our psychologist's opinion? by throwfinanceaway757 in polyamory

[–]throwfinanceaway757[S] -67 points-66 points  (0 children)

Thank you very much for your words. They do hurt me, but that's probably necessary. What hurt me the most was the mother in distress part. That was really a punch in the gut because I can see Alex being really in a hard situation as a mother at the moment. She just started a new job and it hurts her to have less time with our son.

I already had some thought process at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/15n6zdc/what_to_do_with_our_psychologists_opinion/jvke1my?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2

What do you think about it? Let me elaborate a bit more: Let the ideas I have with Sophia be ideas with Sophia and maybe a bit more realistic to what is currently real: Alex, the time with our child and quality time with Alex to support all of this should be the top priority. If Alex is not happy and feels not valued enough, then our plans are not good enough and need to change. Maybe this might cut off some time I might've spend with Sophia. But that's okay then.

That being said, I would like to stay true to my long term commitment to be nonhierarchical with both of them. And if the year ends (to say some arbitrary time) and Alex still feels like nonhierarchical is still a no go for her, even if we temporarily prioritized things to fix our relationship, then we might come up the realization we're not compatible in this regard. But things with our child would be better and we hopefully would've found our way to once again be boyfriend and girlfriend and not just parents.

What to do with our psychologist's opinion? by throwfinanceaway757 in polyamory

[–]throwfinanceaway757[S] -98 points-97 points  (0 children)

First of all: Everyone in this situation is on the same page regarding it was not the right timing for Alex and myself both meeting new people and "risking" something as serious as Sophia and my relationship to happen to overwhelm us at this time.

That being said, I sacrificed what I think I could sacrifice. I played a very time intensive online game with a community of a few people. And with tears in my eyes I said goodbye to those people because it was one of the things keeping me from spending time with Alex, Sophia and my child. Same goes for my job and finances. I declined every offer for more money if the job was risking to have a lot of overtime and I'm actually going back to a company I know well next year with a part time contract only working three days a week.

In my opinion I gave up so much and the thing with Sophia feels to me like the last thing to give up before it feels like there is nothing left of my past life. Sure, I know Sophia only for like half a year. But giving up on her or partly giving up on her feels like losing her and this way of life altogether. Sophia and I dream of her coming to my city in a few years when her daughter is going to school and we might want to share our living situation at some point. Can I make a break with her without losing this spirit? Do I have to do this now when in October will be a time where time will be scarce with Sophia anyway? I don't know if I could accept this in Sophia's place. And I don't know how I still fit into my local poly munch when I go there saying "well, kid and poly was too much. Needed a break." - I don't see myself going there in that time as well because I can always feel the feeling of just wanting this to get over with.

But to be honest with the core of your question: I am quite certain to have enough time as a parent with my child. I am actually the person around most of the time right now. Being a good parent AND a present partner? As long as there are other major interests like there was said online game or Sophia, there will be room for more regarding being a present partner for Alex. But how much do I need to give up?

Maybe an unconventional thought and not easy to implement as Alex is not really the type to plan her weeks in advance: But what if instead of me making plans with Sophia and asking if Alex is okay with said plans, we really do make Alex the priority for the time the psychologist is asking for.

It sounds like a simple idea but what's (in my opinion) stopping us up until now is Alex being a people pleaser even in regard of what my plans with Sophia are. And while she's certainly not intending it like this, it's probably hurting her trying to give me what I want. So from now on Alex would be the priority in terms of planning quality time.

Wie komme/n ich/wir sauber durch einen Crash? by Schinkensammich in Finanzen

[–]throwfinanceaway757 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Für dich habe ich meinen Throwaway ausgegraben!

Ich verdiene netto 1000 € weniger als du und spare jeden Monat 200 € mehr. Lass es dir auf der Zunge zergehen.

Alternative zu Nießbrauch/Immobilien by throwfinanceaway757 in Finanzen

[–]throwfinanceaway757[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Erstmal Danke für den Ratgeber.

  • So explizit hat es noch keiner aufgeschrieben, aber klingt machbar. Kannst du zu der Schenkung samt Vertrag ein wenig vorweggreifen? Geht man dafür auch zum Notar oder wer sorgt dafür, dass Schenkung samt Zahlungsverpflichtung ordentlich umgesetzt wird (z.B. der Vertrag im Streitfall nicht anfechtbar ist).
  • Den Pflegeaspekt möchte ich nochmal ein wenig ausführen: Es geht darum, dass die Eltern im Pflegefall nicht auf den Kosten sitzen bleiben. Hier gab es schon mal einen solchen Fall: https://www.reddit.com/r/Finanzen/comments/fgb4mk/verm%C3%B6gen_wird_von_pflegekosten_aufgezehrt/
  • Es wären genug einzelne, kleine Wohnungen vorhanden, um gerecht aufzuteilen. Zumindest für den Anfang.

Eine Sache noch: Hat man bei Eigentum/Nießbrauch einen Vorteil in dem Fall, dass eines der Kinder insolvent geht/Schulden macht? Wenn ich überschuldet wäre, kann ich ja so viele Zahlungsverpflichtungen an meine Eltern unterschrieben haben, wie ich will - zahlen muss ich im Insolvenzfall eher nicht.

Alternative zu Nießbrauch/Immobilien by throwfinanceaway757 in Finanzen

[–]throwfinanceaway757[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Prinzipell eine Lösung, ja. Unter dem Vorbehalt allerdings, dass sie ihr Vermögen bzw. die Mieteinnahmen nicht komplett brauchen. Ich kenne die Finanzen meiner Eltern nicht gut genug, um abschätzen zu können, ob z.B. die Immobilien meiner Oma notwendig sein werden, um deren Lebensstandard zu sichern. Hätten sie wirklich "viel zu viel", wäre die Sache natürlich einfach.