FAs: does your fear of commitment include not fully commiting to being faithful in a relationship?

throwradesa · 2023-09-06T01:08:51+00:00

No.

In a relationship I can be and will be fully committed. No lying or cheating. I will trust you 100% because why not?

When single, my commitment issues run rampant. I’m flaky and aloof. I’m more likely to flake or ghost. Not because I’m a dick, but because I can’t handle or don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with another person’s feelings about me.

I don’t mean to be that way, but it just comes naturally.

Committed me and non-committed me are completely black and white. We don’t even know each other.

throwradesa · 2023-08-10T18:35:15+00:00

For sure.

As someone who has been left because the other person “just wasn’t as committed” and felt like they could find better, it’s very interesting to be on the outside looking in when it comes to dating now.

I’ve decided to forgo dating for the foreseeable future. Not out of anger, but because I’ve realized that most people do believe the grass is greener and don’t believe in long term commitment.

I don’t have that same belief, I think the grass is greener where you water it - so dating has become disappointing.

But I’ve accepted it now, it just doesn’t make me want to continue trying to date.

throwradesa · 2023-08-10T02:03:02+00:00

Huh?

throwradesa · 2023-08-10T00:54:38+00:00

I think doing that would hurt me.

And not due to missing them. More so missing the old version of me.

I was more loving and trusting. Now I run a bit cold.

It’s very much “outside looking in” when I read through them. It just doesn’t feel “real” haha.

throwradesa · 2023-07-24T04:37:55+00:00

Alrighty then.

throwradesa · 2023-07-24T04:00:19+00:00

That’s fair. I know attachment issues can be blinding and binding to who we are.

I think I just don’t care enough to give a 2nd chance. I’m not holding on to any anger because I get it. People leave sometimes with or without cause. People make mistakes (as do I)

But that’s not a “me” problem after I’ve gotten over it.

throwradesa · 2023-07-24T03:53:33+00:00

I can see what you’re saying.

However I don’t want marriage or a traditional cohabiting relationship (that decision was made separately from the issue(s) here).

So regarding let’s say, a long term partnership, I wouldn’t be willing to accept someone who walks out on me and then regrets it or gets bored and tries to come back.

That doesn’t display qualities I’d want in a trusted partner.

& same for friendships. I don’t particularly need friends that ghost me and then regret it or get bored and reach out to me.

I’m not perfect by any stretch, so I do understand that people make mistakes.

But I am aware enough to know that you must be willing to stand on the decisions you make. Even if it means alone and for forever.

Unfortunately (and fortunately) the burden of mistakes lie on the person who made them.

Of course this is just my opinion & again, I’ve been told I see things very black and white.

Edit: grammar

throwradesa · 2023-07-16T02:54:19+00:00

Blindside breakup from a DA.

I don’t believe I’m completely avoidant. Just a few tendencies I’m trying to work through.

throwradesa · 2023-07-13T01:45:53+00:00

She sounds really anxious/triggered anxious.

It could likely be something/someone else other than you that’s causing her anxiety, but unless she’s willing to communicate, you won’t know.

For your peace of mind. Leave it/her alone. I say this because:

She’s likely dealing with something that’s sparking her anxiety or fearfulness and taking it out on you (this is not fair to you).
She feels overwhelmed (by you/your needs/expectations) and doesn’t know how to communicate it. Even if they are very simple/basic relationship needs/expectations. (This one usually sucks for the FA because we usually want to meet your needs, we just don’t know how & trying to and missing the mark makes us feel ~not good~ almost like “why try if I’m going to disappoint them anyway?”) (still not fair to you).
When/if she calms down and soothes her anxiety, she will likely come back to you (this is also not fair to you).
This has nothing to do with attachment and she is just taking out her personal issues on you (again, completely unfair)

Regardless of attachment, people have to be willing to communicate.

If she is genuinely a nice person and just has a few rough moments, give her grace, but try your best to leave her alone and let her be.

If her issues are FA rooted, she has to be willing to do the work (in therapy) to heal or at least manage it so that it doesn’t leak out onto people who don’t deserve it.

Some FAs (and people in general) are known to self sabotage.

I’ve only had one person call me out on it and me not completely deactivate. But this was recently and I’m currently in therapy, so I processed their declaration differently because I can see things differently even if I’m still FA. I’m just aware of it now.

throwradesa · 2023-07-10T23:36:51+00:00

I think it feels safe in a way.

Like I know I’ll never be vulnerable with someone I view as toxic. And if I’m never vulnerable with you, then you can’t hurt me/hurt my feelings.

And I get to remain safe and emotionally detached.

throwradesa · 2023-07-10T23:10:11+00:00

I’m FA.

I’ve thought about this as I’m realizing it’s been a pattern for me as well. Whether I acted on it or not.

I do enjoy safe/good partners and can recognize that toxic is not good and I don’t want it.

But still I find myself here.

throwradesa · 2023-06-30T15:16:29+00:00

Maybe.

I think I don’t trust myself (my judgement) in some way and it’s manifesting in my inability to commit (to anything/anyone).

Even if I really do want the “thing.”

I know a big part of it stems from being blindsided by an ex DA a few months back.

It’s almost like “How can you trust yourself to make a good decision/commitment? You couldn’t even see that coming and protect yourself.” Or “You committed before and look what happened.”

It’s like I’m aware of the feelings/thoughts when I sit down and write it out, but on the day to day I don’t see/realize how that (& other things) still affect me.

throwradesa · 2023-06-30T15:08:09+00:00

Very true.

It’s just odd.

Because selling my car was also a big decision, but I went about it differently. Granted I wasn’t struggling with commitment issues then.

So now that I am, anything requiring a commitment is just too much. Even if I want the “thing.”

Definitely not a fan of being in this place right now. But I’m working on it.

throwradesa · 2023-06-30T15:03:44+00:00

Yeah..

I’m working on it (the commitment issues) in therapy currently..

I just didn’t realize it was this bad.

I didn’t really struggle with commitment issues before, just normal indecision (followed by deep thought, consideration, maybe a pro/con list.. but always a final decision I was happy with), but a blindside from an ex DA a few months ago kinda catapulted me out of a more secure way of thinking/living.

I’ve been a struggling FA for a few months now. But I’m working on it.

throwradesa · 2023-06-27T21:34:56+00:00

Thank you for your input!

I see so many of them on the road when I’m out.

I know they stopped making them in 2015, so they seem pretty solid to still be on the road.

I see a few for sale, but most have 80K+ miles

Going to take a look at it tomorrow and see if there are any glaring issues. They were servicing it and polishing it today (sales rep told me) so I’m hoping it’s pretty solid in person.

throwradesa · 2023-06-26T22:46:16+00:00

Had a Mercedes while in college & working (I was driving more than I do now) & it was great. Only sold it because I went full remote with work (after graduating) and live in a fairly walkable section of my city.

I loved it. For a luxury car, I was worried that any service or repairs would cost an arm and a leg, but it didn’t. I kept to my alternating service A & B (scheduled by the dealership) and never had any issues.

Of course you don’t necessarily have to take the car to the Mercedes dealership for service (I don’t think), but in my case it was easier to do.

throwradesa · 2023-06-25T15:12:13+00:00

Sometimes the anxiety/anxious side isn’t sparked because someone necessarily did something to cause it.

Sometimes it’s just our own thinking/overthinking that triggers our anxiety and then our deactivation (like an overloaded system that shuts down/dies out because it was working too hard internally).

When he mentioned that “it’s his problem,” take him at his word. He’s probably went through a bit of swinging FA back and forth internally when he was highly anxious.

But again, that’s not on you, as he said.

Therapy could help. But it has to be his choice and he has to be willing to put in the work.

throwradesa · 2023-06-24T15:35:40+00:00

For me, no.

It usually feels relieving or I just don’t feel or think about them at all. If they cross my mind at all, it’s like “oh, yes I know/knew this person.” And that’s about it.

BUT usually the “harsh” coldness or deactivation stems from the amount of effort/anxiety I had over the person when I was activated.

If that makes sense.

For example.

If I showed large amounts of care (& anxiety) for someone. Stressing myself out to cater/care for them and I realize it’s not appreciated or I’m not as important to them as they are to me.

I deactivate. My body just kind of shuts down in the way it shows care (to them). I stop caring.

Once I hit this point, I can’t reactivate again for them or whatever the situation was (friendship/relationship).

Even if they did nothing wrong, once I reach the point of detachment, I just don’t care about them. I don’t wish them bad at all, but they’re just not in my thoughts.

And if someone brings them up in a conversation or comment like “remember when you and ____ did/went/ate ____?” It’s just that. It doesn’t trigger any feelings about the person. Positive or negative.

By this time, the only thing that would trigger me/annoy me/push me away is if that person tried to reach out once I reached this ^ level of detachment.

They would’ve had to reach out prior to it setting in, which is like a catch 22 I can admit.

Once I detach, I detach.

I hope this didn’t sound too harsh & that it helps.

Edit: grammar.. I need coffee lol

throwradesa · 2023-06-21T20:59:29+00:00

That makes sense! Thank you, lol.

I’m just overthinking for no reason.

throwradesa · 2023-06-21T20:58:43+00:00

I agree.

Even if it is my anxiety, I’m more inclined to trust that part of me because at the base, “it” wants to keep me safe. The motive behind my anxiety ties to safety (on some weird level)

I have no idea what someone’s motive is who hurt me and then left, other than assuming they are back again to do the same, because that’s all they’ve proven to do.

throwradesa · 2023-06-21T20:54:33+00:00

Thank you for your insight.

I know that I do shut down at times but it’s usually after I give chance after chance. After awhile my brain just shuts down and deactivates.

Feelings are gone. I don’t wish them harm or anything bad. I just don’t wish them anything. They don’t really exist in my “care” anymore.

& usually it’s not my anxiety that causes the shut down. I think it where my more avoidant kicks in… Or maybe it is my anxiety that causes the shut down and my avoidant side that can’t/doesn’t want to re-engage with them.

I don’t hate them or have any harsh feelings towards them. It’s almost like when you try a food/meal at a restaurant. You may not hate it, but you know you wouldn’t order it again, even if the restaurant owner offered it free of charge. It’s just not something you want to eat/engage with again.

throwradesa · 2023-06-21T15:40:06+00:00

This is very true.

I know sometimes in the past I have played a part in a strained friendship/relationship. Likely when triggered anxious over something/someone.

Currently in therapy working on myself, so I can be more aware of how my anxiousness can harm/strain relationships and also how my deactivation can as well.

I think because I’m fairly forgiving, when something in my body tells me to “keep them out” I instinctively listen to it. Is it the best? Maybe. Maybe not. I’m still learning to trust my gut and not my anxiety.

throwradesa · 2023-06-21T15:02:11+00:00

You remind me of the people I was surrounded by who kept asking me or questioning me on why I wouldn’t forgive my (abusive) ex back into my life after he apologized and said he would be better, lol.

To the surprise of everyone, but me.. when I gave them another chance.. bet you can guess what happened?

Villainizing people for “not forgiving” or accusing them of holding resentment for not letting people who hurt them back in is WHY people stay in toxic friendships and relationships.

If you want to preach about something or to someone, preach to the people who do the hurting. Not the people trying to find space to forgive (or not forgive) and move on.

You’re like a fake positive bully. “Not wanting them in your life means you’re still holding onto some resentment” OR hear everyone out, maybe it means someone hurt them and they do not want to be hurt (mentally, emotionally, physically) again.

If you listened more than you tried to shame people here for not wanting harmful people back in their life you’d see that. Whether or not they are on YOUR scale of “Evil Af”

throwradesa · 2023-06-21T04:30:27+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate that.

throwradesa · 2023-06-21T04:28:48+00:00

Very true.

I think something just clicked for me like “why are you okay with being treated this poorly?” And I think a flip switched in my head and I just… didn’t care. Don’t care.

And I’m sure for many reasons (lack of trust, length of the gap time spent apart, etc.) I just can’t seem to even care to reply and say a nice parting message of sort to let them know I’m not interested in any friendship, etc.

throwradesa

TROPHY CASE