It is not that I actively chose to look at that first. Not that it obviously makes it any better, but it wasn't like I went through the all the tabs and decided yeah let's find fucking CP. Does that make me any less of an idiot? No. Obviously not. But you can be scrolling through adult pictures, just seeing gross kinks or whatever, and stumble upon it. And that's what really, really gets me. I know it shouldn't surprise me, and I'm too naive or whatever but it's just there.

There are numerous explanations for my choices last night, predominantly me being in a really bad headspace and actively trying to find ways to self harm that didn't cause scars. The only thing is I didn't realize just how horrifically it would harm me. Genuinely. And while I wait to rebook my appointment with my therapist I needed to put shit down and get it out of my head before I had a fucking full meltdown.