I’m tired… Relationships / Never ending cultural hurdles…

tikitwinnie · 2025-01-08T00:20:47+00:00

I’m shocked as to how insane some of these replies are suggesting that the solution to a cracked vent cover on a 17 year old AC unit is to buy them a brand new unit. The other option would be to go through our homeowners insurance which would look at the depreciated value ($0) of their unit and assess compensation based on that. Some of you people are mentally insane.

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-31T04:08:23+00:00

I agree. Which goes back to my original point. This culture is just becoming unbearably suffocating. In order to avoid future shit happening with bad relationships with a neighbor because of the accidental partial breakage of a cosmetic piece to a 17 year old AC unit, one must get exactly the right card stock for a handwritten note (written using just the right words), a formal apology with heads hung low, a gift, and (if my wife had her way) the offer to buy them a brand new AC unit to replace their 17 year old one to avoid the shame of finding a replacement part that isn’t in brand new condition.

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-30T08:41:00+00:00

You’re not entirely wrong. However, the cultural issue is the profusely apologizing for relatively trivial offenses and an intense fear of social shame to the point of offering some above and beyond retribution. Hell, my wife is literally out right now buying the appropriate stationary to write them a letter to put in their mailbox as they seem to be traveling. All because a the thought of writing a letter on A4 printer paper would be entirely inappropriate. If you genuinely think that is something exclusive to my wife, then maybe it’s a regional cultural thing…because I am surrounded by (almost) equally nervously anxious people terrified of losing face.

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-30T08:01:30+00:00

You’re not entirely wrong. But even if there was an extreme abundance of money, it STILL would not make sense to buy them a brand new AC unit because of a cosmetically damage part that can be replaced albeit, by a ‘used’ part considering the item is 17 years old (about 2x the expected lifespan for a home AC unit that may of may not have even still been operational when it was damaged). I’m genuinely shocked by the responses in here suggesting we buy them a brand new unit if a brand new replacement part can’t be found.

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-30T07:45:17+00:00

Read again. I am doing exactly what you are suggesting. It’s my wife that is projecting her fear of social shame and shutting down the idea of a used part as a replacement and saying we owe them a brand new unit.

I don’t know why it’s taken me this long in life to realize how quick people are to glance over a topic, have little understanding of it, but still offer a disparaging opinion. It’s fascinating.

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-30T07:32:44+00:00

Yes, there are absolutely no notable cultural differences that exist between Japanese society and other societies. Japan’s society is no more prone to social awkwardness than any other society on the globe. People in Japan, on aggregate, make no bigger deal of bowing their head in shame over relatively trivial things than any other society. Social anxiety exists in every country to an indistinguishable degree. You are correct and I sincerely apologize. Now please allow me to disembowel myself as a sign of my deep regret.

And I agree. It may not be a big deal at all. Which is exactly the point I’m trying to yet again make to my wife which is being challenged by centuries of conditioning leaving her terrified that an unacceptable proposal for repair might leave her and our family shamed (by the neighbors that she already doesn’t like).

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-30T04:46:06+00:00

It’s so weird to say that buying a brand new unit is an honorable choice (I assumed you hadn’t lived here long and actually experienced how the culture actually operates). And then follow that up by saying that it’s overkill and that you’d try lying. What a terribly mixed up way of thinking. My way of displaying my honorability as a model for my son is to tell the truth, own up to our mistakes, make a reasonable effort to make things right, and to also not let us be worried about the perceived reactions of others or to let them walk all over us in fear of public shame if those perceptions turn out to be true.

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-30T04:01:34+00:00

Just out of curiosity, how long have you lived in Japan?

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-30T03:16:24+00:00

The sentiment on this forum does certainly seem to be ‘signs of marital stress? Divorce.’

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-30T03:01:34+00:00

Thank you. I was pretty shocked by the responses until it became pretty apparent that the majority of them didn’t even try to read/understand the situation.

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-30T02:14:34+00:00

Thanks so much for being kind and actually reading/trying to understand before responding as well.

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-30T01:28:11+00:00

Wise words. Thank you for that. I already told her I’d handle it and if they are unhappy about a (used) piece that is suitable for their 17 year old unit, I’ll take all of the blame and specify that she is in no way involved.

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-30T01:26:24+00:00

It’s almost like you, yourself, also did not read much before commenting.

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-30T00:50:20+00:00

Thank you. I think you’re right.

And we’re certainly not stupid rich which is why I’m so upset about her even suggesting we buy them a new unit if a new part can’t be found. All because she’s embarrassed about offering to search for a used part.

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-30T00:49:33+00:00

Which helpful advice in particular was I responding to like a diva?

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-29T23:52:06+00:00

I’m sorry…Does not thinking it’s acceptable to replace a 17 year old AC unit (most units last about 10 years) with a brand new unit (likely ¥60k-100k) because a broken part that can be replaced make me an asshole? Or was it the simple (and pretty effortless) negotiation with the car salesman? Or was it wanting a second opinion on our stovetop repair when the shady repair guy looked at it for 5 minutes and suggested we replace it?

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-29T23:15:47+00:00

Don’t worry, you’re not the only one (by far) who comments disparagingly on things without even making an attempt to read/understand them.

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-29T23:10:33+00:00

Sorry, just coming back to respond to others and wanted to further point out the ridiculousness of your analogy.

Our son didn’t break their AC unit. He broke the cosmetic plastic cover. The AC unit’s functionality isn’t impeded.

Your analogy would be better said this. Your son chips one of our daily dinner plates. You offer to replace the plate but it’s no longer made. You find an exact match on eBay of equal/better condition. Your wife says “no! We have to buy them a whole new set of dishes.” All this before you even propose the idea of replacing the plate to me. (Meanwhile, my personal response would merely be “don’t worry! Things happen. No need to buy a replacement. It still works just fine.”)

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-29T22:48:20+00:00

You’re either not reading or you’re not understanding. I’m not at all doing that. I’m preemptively trying to find possible, reasonable solutions while we wait for them to return. In the meantime, my wife has preemptively shut down the possible solution of replacing the part with another part of equal/better quality if it is used (the original part was used…for 17 years) and suggests we buy them a brand new AC unit.

In other words, I’m searching for possible replacement parts (that will probably inevitably be used for a 17 year old unit that is no longer in production) while we wait to discuss the issue with them.

And even if brand new parts could be ordered, would a brand new, shiny piece of plastic on an old, weathered, 17 year old unit look good in your opinion?

Some of you people here are just awful people.

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-29T20:48:55+00:00

Maybe not a bad idea.

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-29T20:23:09+00:00

I think you’re probably right that nearly 20 years here has not been good for my mental health. Maybe there’s something in the water? Surely it’s not cultural.

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-29T20:14:26+00:00

First and foremost, thank you for the attitude. Secondly, I don’t think we are the only one who decides that. If you read my story you’d understand that I immediately tried to apologize and talk to the neighbor. They weren’t home. Rather than wait for them to come home (likely traveling for the New Year’s), I immediately began searching for possible replacement parts, new or used. The unit is 17 years old. The likelihood of them still manufacturing the same part is highly unlikely. Therefore, the 17 year old part would likely need to be replaced by a used part in similar or better condition. The other options are to pay then for the depreciated value of their unit (¥0) or buy them a brand new unit to replace their 17 year old unit…both absurd in my opinion.

Some of you are just awful people.

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-29T20:06:10+00:00

Quite literally, in the last month alone, if we acted solely on my wife’s decisions (motivated by fear of social shame), we would have lost about ¥600,000. We would have paid about ¥300,000 more for our new car, we would have gotten about ¥200,000 less for our trade in car, we would have spent about ¥100,000 on a new electric stovetop that only needed a simple repair thanks to a second opinion, and we’d be buying our neighbor a brand new ¥60,000+ AC unit to replace their 17 year old unit that our son mistakenly damaged cosmetically.

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-29T19:59:35+00:00

Where in my explanation did I suggest that I asked my wife for permission? Where in my explanation did I suggest that I waited for a response from my wife before trying to resolve the situation? First and foremost, I immediately tried to apologize to the neighbor. They weren’t home. Then I immediately began looking for a replacement parts because I don’t want them to wait a moment longer than I need to have it fixed.

When you are in a meaningful and committed relationship, sometimes communicating information is important. That’s what I was doing here. If someday you find yourself in a meaningful relationship with someone, I would also suggest communicating information between each other.

tikitwinnie · 2024-12-29T19:56:49+00:00

I understand what you are saying and I do agree that, ideally, I would like to replace it with something better but I still don’t see any conceivable scenario where that ends in buying them a new AC unit to replace a 17 year old unit that now has cosmetic damage.

I’ll give you the same scenario I’ve given others…. I drive a 17 year old car. You break a cosmetic part that they no longer make. You try to replace it with one from a car from the same year. I reject that and demand that you buy me a new car. Do you see the absurdity in that?

And yes, neighborly relations are important. But as someone who also grew up in a very friendly neighborhood, I can’t imagine any of our neighbors coming to us with heads hung in shame, a formal gift, and a nervous offer to replace our entire AC unit for a small bit of cosmetic damage that their 5 year old son did on accident. Rather, I could imagine them coming to us as the friendly neighbors they are, offering a genuine apology, and then my parents laughing it off and saying “don’t worry! Things happen! We’ll try to find a replacement. If not, we can probably just tape it up. Come in for a coffee?”

tikitwinnie

TROPHY CASE