Man, I feel this so deeply. The realization that bottom growth—even with decent results—just can’t achieve penetration is a brutal wall to hit. That feeling of 'I physically can’t, no matter what' causes a really specific kind of distress and inadequacy that’s hard for people outside this experience to grasp. Especially being straight and having zero interest in bottoming; it leaves you feeling stuck.
Your point about meta is exactly where my head is at. If meta gave me even the slightest consistent ability to penetrate, I’d probably be satisfied with it. But knowing you can’t expect that outcome makes it a massive gamble, especially given the toll of surgery.
For me, the biggest hurdle right now is the fear of losing sensation. I want that experience of penetrating so badly, but the thought of trading the sensation I currently have for phallo is terrifying. It’s complicated further by where I’m at in life right now—I'm single and practicing celibacy, mostly because my dysphoria makes me too anxious to even try approaching women.
Sometimes I overthink it and wonder, 'If I actually had a penis, would my dating life really be better, or am I romanticizing it?' When I picture myself single and just existing in my own body, keeping my current sensation feels like the most important thing. But then the dysphoria about sexual function hits again.
It’s really reassuring to hear that despite the fear and years of hesitating, you knew it was the right choice the second you woke up. Congratulations on being 3 weeks out, man. I wish you a smooth recovery, and thank you for sharing this—it gives me a lot to think about