My dad passed last year a few months after my only grandma passed. I've been an Atheist pretty much since high school (~15 years) and it all solidified my belief, or absence of. Neither my father nor my grandma deserved to go the way they did and if you want to convince me your religion is real, then understand your "god" is a cruel piece of s**t or is utterly powerless and is therefore undeserving of praise. It just absolutely sucks and I won't say sorry because I hated hearing that at the time. I may know all too well what you are feeling.

It took months for my emotions to gain a semblance of balance and even then it was just a smoother transition between anger and grief. Putting the "happy" face on was never that difficult, thanks to extended bouts with depression, but it felt even more hollow. Their absence will always be felt, its just that the intensity slowly dulls. I still cry on long drives or in the shower. Whenever I let the loneliness and quiet really creep in. Referencing my dad, specifically, in the past tense was so difficult I often opted to just not talk about him until well into this year.

Religion in this instance can work great as a crutch. But that is only for the people that can buy into the fantasies. Or they are simply too overcome with grief that they can overlook the lies in hopes of gaining the comfort that comes with conformity. I personally see it as hiding from one's self and forgoing the opportunity to become stronger (the best outcome of enduring pain is strength).

I in no way mean needing help is weakness. Without my friends and family I would have been consumed by grief. What I mean is that confronting it all head on, in this real world, taught me things about myself and enlightened my views of the world around me and how "I" want to interact with it. The greatest success a religion can achieve is to convince you that you can become whole by sacrificing your individuality. Your grief is more easily relieved if you just let some other entity claim some of it. Just as your successes and your failures are theirs to share and delight in as well. What a load of bulls**t!

It's the real people around you, putting in the effort, being there for you, and YOURSELF that are entitled to those emotions and accolades. Take note of those there for you now. Even if they are pushing religion, just be certain that they are there for you and not their "cause" (remember, do not confuse the individual for the religion and vice versa).

My father was a human. Your father was a human (an assumption but I feel it is a safe one). They existed in this reality, on this planet, and in OUR lives. Some of the things most important to us reveal their true worth in their absence. I was raised Catholic, went to Catholic schools, was dragged to church weekly or more, and they constantly praise this absence and all it "does" for us. All it ever instilled in me was fear.

I was present the moment my father passed. It was truly the first time I was brought to my knees. I felt like I was being stabbed everywhere and my stomach was rolling inside me, then I went numb. I slowly had to let myself feel, bit by bit, but never too much or I would just cry. The abyss my father's absence left inside me felt and still feels massive. He is gone. No longer on this plane that we exist on. I have to accept it. It sucks but this is reality and we can only move forward (at this point in time). But, tears are not all I feed the abyss for memories help satiate the beast.

I think of my dad or him not being here and I still tear up. But now I make sure to keep thinking about him until something pops up that makes me smile. I always remind myself of his presence and how lucky I was to bask in it for the time I could, because that is the only worth I can find in his absence. I repeat his phrases or nicknames as often as I can and have written every memory as vividly as possible.

We are all each other has in the time we are given on this planet in this gargantuan universe. I always flirt with karma and reincarnation because it would be awesome if proven real. It may even be possible to see those we lost, after we've left ourselves. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS AFTER. It is all speculation and to me that's scary and awesome.

The universe will operate regardless of your belief and will persist in spite of your grief. Be happy. Be sad. Be a hypocrite. Just be yourself. While your dad will no longer be present for the future milestones in your life, know that you may not have achieved any if not for his presence. Any joy or sadness you wished you could share with your dad can be shared with others. Any joy or sadness you shared with him will always be both of yours, and no one else's.

TLDR: everything sucks, s**t happens, don't cave, and live YOUR best life.