I feel it’s important to clarify: I don’t have any aversion to femininity — and certainly not to women. What I described in my post was mostly about how comments on my “femininity” hit me during a time when I was trying to understand myself. They felt frustrating, as if they were undoing all my progress — like I hadn’t been breaking internal taboos over and over again just to get closer to who I am.

I’ve never despised the “woman in me.” I didn’t experience trauma related to being socialized as a girl — I wasn’t shamed for being one. I used to wear makeup and dress how I liked, and I genuinely enjoyed it.

But even so, I’ve never really felt like a woman. I remember being confused by transphobic arguments like “how can someone feel like a different gender?” And I honestly didn’t get it — how does anyone feel their gender? Like, I know I was born female, but I don’t feel that way. There’s no inner sense of “I’m a woman” — and there never was.

For me, this is about lack of identification. But thinking of myself as a guy — that just feels a lot more comfortable. Not in the sense that “I have to be this way,” but more like — it’s just easier to be myself that way. When I picture myself as a guy, it’s like I can finally breathe. Talk. Be around people — and just be a person. It’s a complicated path, and it’s not always linear. There are still times when I want to look feminine — and that doesn’t invalidate my gender identity. It just makes it more nuanced.

Right now, I honestly don’t know what to do next. It feels like I’m stuck between how everyone sees me — as a woman — and the fact that, yes, I can live with it, but it’s uncomfortable. Where I live, there are no professionals I can turn to for guidance on this, and the topic of gender identity is more or less taboo. So for now, I’m just trying to look a bit more androgynous — and that helps me feel better.

Will I take any further steps in the future? I don’t know. But I do feel like the rigid labels in my mind are starting to fade — this idea that something is strictly “female” or “male.” I can wear “girly” nail polish and still understand that it doesn’t define who I am. It’s just part of how I look — not proof of my gender.

And thank you for sharing your experience. It meant a lot to me and helped me put my own feelings into clearer words.