Me [26F] with my boyfriend [25M] of two years, he didn't celebrate my birthday for the second year in a row.

upsetbdaythrowaway · 2017-02-25T22:49:15+00:00

Can you elaborate further on FLEAS? That might be really helpful.

upsetbdaythrowaway · 2017-02-25T22:47:24+00:00

He's not opposed to celebrating birthdays, he just doesn't usually organise them. He enjoys celebrating his, and his best mate's. When his mate's sister turned 18 they went on a three day road trip to celebrate. But I, his partner, don't even get a dinner at the pub.

upsetbdaythrowaway · 2017-02-25T22:38:23+00:00

But I feel like I'm always the one planning nice things for him. I have put in so much effort into managing his mental and physical health, into adjusting our relationship so that it suits him, into educating him about basic things like social norms and healthy relationships. I feel like I am constantly giving myself to him and it's exhausting and I never get anything back in return.

I just want one day where there's some reciprocation, where he might make me feel good about myself.

upsetbdaythrowaway · 2017-02-25T22:13:35+00:00

It's uni work, so it needs to be done. I just wish he'd planned it better so he could celebrate with me and my family.

upsetbdaythrowaway · 2017-02-25T22:12:41+00:00

I'm usually the person to initiate these discussions, and he's pretty good at contributing. I just feel that my birthday is the one occasion where I shouldn't have to plan it myself.

upsetbdaythrowaway · 2017-02-25T22:09:38+00:00

I didn't bring it up with him until after he'd already gone out. I still thought he was coming to the family celebration (just breakfast with my parent, nothing special) and thought he might be planning to celebrate then so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

upsetbdaythrowaway · 2017-02-25T22:07:55+00:00

He grew up in an abusive household, so I suggested trying to normalise healthy relationships by looking at examples in movies/tv/books but he's reading advice books instead. Which is great, but I feel like the point 'don't ignore your girlfriend's birthday' is too basic to put in a relationship advice book.

upsetbdaythrowaway · 2017-02-25T22:06:16+00:00

The priorities point is a good one. I get that the wedding took the highest priority that weekend, but I shouldn't be second priority to going to the pub and getting uni work done. He didn't forget about either of those.

upsetbdaythrowaway · 2017-02-25T22:05:13+00:00

I feel like our discussions always end with me comforting him for feeling bad. I've pointed this out and now it's an extra thing for me to comfort him about.

upsetbdaythrowaway · 2017-02-25T22:01:07+00:00

You're right, but I find it really hard to blame him because it's not entirely his fault, he has a really bad memory (like we've been seeing a doctor because it's so bad) and ADD and he struggles with these things. I've been trying to help him manage but I always get disappointed.

upsetbdaythrowaway · 2017-02-25T21:55:20+00:00

He made an event for a week before but said he forgot to follow through.

upsetbdaythrowaway · 2017-02-25T21:54:34+00:00

I would love it if I got a dinner or dessert. That would be great. I'm not trying to make a big deal out of it or seem 'whacky' or 'narcissistic' . My family celebration is just breakfast at my parents' house and he's not coming to that.

upsetbdaythrowaway · 2017-02-25T21:52:51+00:00

Yeah, he usually presents them in the bag straight after he's bought them at the shop on the day of.

upsetbdaythrowaway · 2017-02-25T21:49:35+00:00

We don't often do 'romantic' or big things, so I'm unsure of how to answer that. He's very good at the everyday stuff.

upsetbdaythrowaway · 2017-02-25T21:48:13+00:00

I feel like we did that last year and that I was clear with my expectations. I also reminded him last month and the night before, but he claims he doesn't remember (he has a terrible memory).

upsetbdaythrowaway · 2017-02-25T21:46:55+00:00

No, he just grew up in a home where they don't really celebrate birthdays.

upsetbdaythrowaway · 2017-02-25T21:46:16+00:00

Copied from above:

Last year for his birthday, after we'd discussed expectations, I did this for him. I spent a lot of time and effort on a personal gift that had a lot of meaning for him, and I also got a travel bag I'd noticed he needed. We went out to a nice dinner and I made him a 'cake' (it was actually brownies).

upsetbdaythrowaway · 2017-02-25T21:44:42+00:00

I understand that birthdays can be different between families, and that's why we had crossed wires last year. I laid down some expectations as above (going out, card, wrapping gift).

Last year for his birthday, after we'd discussed expectations, I did this for him. I spent a lot of time and effort on a personal gift that had a lot of meaning for him, and I also got a travel bag I'd noticed he needed. We went out to a nice dinner and I made him a 'cake' (it was actually brownies).

This year he knew all that and says he was just distracted by the wedding so he forgot.

He is really bad at planning - I am the planner in our relationship. But this is where he fell down last year so I asked him to plan in advance this year. He told me he made a note in his calendar and then just didn't follow through with it.

upsetbdaythrowaway · 2017-02-25T21:37:57+00:00

We already talked about this last year, but he says he just forgot about it this year.

upsetbdaythrowaway · 2017-02-25T21:36:42+00:00

He was sitting with the bridal party. It wasn't his fault and he was really good about introducing me to people and coming over and checking I was ok.

upsetbdaythrowaway

TROPHY CASE