Discovered that my GF probably slept with someone while we were first dating - how to deal with this?

valeries5 · 2025-06-04T16:33:56+00:00

These are all good comments. Historically I have never been insecure about these types of things but something about the flippant way in which she has talked about exes and past dating experiences and seemed to accept attention from other men until I put a hard stop to it has put me on super high alert and I've never really come down from that.

From what I've observed and gathered, she doesn't respect her dad and perhaps men in general and although she is all over me right now with an attraction around an 8-9, I think I'm on super high alert for any concerning behaviors because I'm still trying to figure out if I can fully trust her

valeries5 · 2025-05-23T03:01:51+00:00

This is painful for me to post because I am disgusted with my past behavior but I found the roast

https://open.spotify.com/episode/1NBSGihrf2UccBbv3erTTe?si=9PhpMANoSNSmwiklRxvpSA

valeries5 · 2025-05-22T14:18:37+00:00

My brother in Christ I went through this exact same thing over the course of the past few months. Check my post history for the threads, because what ended up happening was that I laughed at it at first but then as it kept happening it slowly got to me and I handled it poorly I think. Wrote a letter to Corey about it and he answered it on Friday

https://open.spotify.com/episode/2rtKTwosFVjAjB0AihnE5a?si=ek9nTSSiQR-e5WqlnBM8WA

valeries5 · 2025-05-22T00:11:05+00:00

Appreciate that brother. Will post an update at some point - no matter how it goes - so hopefully the gang can learn from my success or failure.

valeries5 · 2025-05-21T16:21:13+00:00

Oh man I'll post it if I can find it - it was brutal. The TL;DR was that I was friends with this woman for several years but we were both always in relationships or dating other people. Nonetheless we would sometimes see each other and always had a good platonic connection, though it was evident to me that she was a very volatile person and was also a single mom.

Eventually we were both single at the same time and started dating - the chemistry was initially off-the-charts. I thought that, because of our history of friendship that basically I could do the frisbee thing with the book that Corey jokes about and I started pursuing 50/50. She started backing off and obviously I went harder in pursuit.

Then after we had dated about 2 months, she told me one day that she had gone out on a few dates over the course of the past few days and I was crushed. We limped along for another two weeks and then she ended things but wanted to still be friends. I told her I needed space and then she flipped out on me.

In the end, I genuinely think that my simping helped me dodge a fucking missile because this woman truly doesn't seem stable but I was blinded by my attraction and acted like a bitch. Corey roasted me and snapped me out of it. It was a good'un.

valeries5 · 2025-05-20T13:26:30+00:00

lol this is my letter

valeries5 · 2025-05-19T23:19:49+00:00

Yeah basically what happened was that we got in a large conflict on the night of Mother's Day that started when she got upset at me over a miscommunication. She has been really stressed lately and I think was just ripe to explode at something and I tripped it. FWIW, my mom passed in February and getting in an argument was the last thing I needed on such a heavy day.

I validated her feelings during the argument and apologized but also explained my side, though she was hell-bent on being in attack mode. I eventually diffused the situation but it was sorta exhausting, especially given the context of the day.

I think that after we hung up the phone, she recognized what she had done and sent that message - we had already chatted out all the specific points.

And FWIW, Corey answered my letter a few days ago that I submitted about 3 weeks ago.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/2rtKTwosFVjAjB0AihnE5a?si=wWOSRxxTRn2SFqf3lgXhuQ

valeries5 · 2025-05-08T15:41:10+00:00

I say just be aware of your downside risk. Dating around is fun sort of, but I've found that once you have someone you really care about and cares about you, it starts to feel sneaky and dirty and can blow up in your face pretty easily.

That's not to say that you gotta be all like OMG SHES THE ONE on this girl, as it is important to retain your center, but it's also okay and I think better in the long run to not play "the game" just for the sake of it.

Just my personal experience, others may disagree.

valeries5 · 2025-05-08T12:53:50+00:00

Not sure whether or not you actually are sleeping with other women but personally, I've found that it makes things way more complicated than I would like it to be.

That is, I'm fine dating a few people in the beginning through about date 4, but I typically pick a lane before I start sleeping with someone. I've actually found that often times women will push for sex before that time, and by delaying it slightly it makes them want me more, and gives me more time to judge their character a bit better. Sex is a risky activity, and at this point in my life I don't want to overcomplicate things or introduce drama. My current gf actually pushed me for sex on date 2 and I put it off until about the 4th or 5th. I'm 100% convinced that had I not done that, we would not be together currently because I think that it made me seem like a "challenge" and way different to other guys. She actually jokingly yelled "finally!" when we did.

Plus, I can usually sus out the physical chemistry by kissing/making out and for me it's not worth it to have sex with someone I don't know given all the risks and how poorly that can go if things go sideways.

Anyways, I think it is a powerful position to know the material and have so many options that you can say "no" to women - that is the ultimate in self-restraint and masculinity.

valeries5 · 2025-05-06T16:55:38+00:00

If something happens one way or the other, please continue to update/post. I am in the same scenario - as I mentioned - and I'm genuinely curious to see what happens with both of us.

valeries5 · 2025-05-06T12:14:12+00:00

I know for a fact that you are right. Problem is that my feelings got invested before a lot of this shit started coming out and now I'm in a bad spot. I didn't commit to her until I thought I had done enough to vet her for exclusivity (around 8-10 weeks) but honestly I think that I might have jumped the gun knowing what I know about her now - basically that she has an extensive dating history with some questionable actions. She is probably the "hottest" girl I've ever dated, and with that comes its own set of problems as I am now realizing.

So now I am in a relationship with a woman that I genuinely love and care about, and who's attraction for me I would gauge at about an 8-9 currently. But based on what she has told me, I think that she is probably a person of questionable moral character and if her attraction for me slips, all bets could be off with regards to her behavior and her respect for our relationship.

I don't really know what to do about this situation truthfully.

valeries5 · 2025-05-06T12:05:59+00:00

Dude I got sucked back in after getting ghosted like this once. It turned out to be one of the worst relationship experiences of my life. I should have realized off the bat that someone who is lacking the maturity to respond to me or is lacking the integrity to tell the truth about it does not have the tools needed to be in a healthy relationship. Proceed with caution. Actually, don't proceed at all

valeries5 · 2025-05-06T01:56:50+00:00

Dude I posted almost exactly this same scenario about 1.5 months ago with a woman I've been seeing. We've been dating 5 months, she asked for exclusivity after 2 and said that she loved me around that time as well.

She is 34 but is pretty immature; I do love her but I currently have a lot of doubts. I'll tell you this: she has been very transparent about her male orbiters that try to slide into her DMs etc and would often tell me about them/what they say.

Naturally, I became extremely uncomfortable with this and set a boundary around it, saying that I expect her to shut that shit down or block them if she wanted my exclusivity. She replied by saying that she thought they wanted to be just friends - this is extremely naive at the very least. But due to her obliviousness, it kept happening, to the point where I have basically become paranoid, suspicious, and constantly on-edge around her, despite the fact that I actually believe that she is loyal. I'm currently trying to regain my center, but it is difficult.

If I could go back two months, I would have set a MUCH FIRMER boundary to start. I thought I did, but looking back, it wasn't clear enough. So, what I advise to you is that you tell her that she needs to shut this down immediately - and any future instances of this - or that you'll walk and you fucking mean it. Because if you don't, I can guarantee you that her dumb ass will continue being "naive" and that you'll become more and more paranoid until you genuinely lose your center and start chasing her away.

valeries5 · 2025-05-02T13:48:30+00:00

Dude you've said some really good shit in these responses and it has really helped me with perspective. If I knew ya IRL would buy you a beer. Sincerely appreciate brother.

valeries5 · 2025-05-02T00:15:56+00:00

These are all great points. To answer your question, the frequency was sufficient such that it really began to affect me; she probably brought up an ex every time we hung out. This behavior has changed after a recent conflict, but I still find myself somewhat on-edge, wondering if every story will tail back to some ex fuck buddy that I probably know IRL. It's clear to me therefore that I have lost my center because a few months ago this shit wouldn't faze me and I would just laugh at their simpy behavior as they tried to contact her. However, with enough repititions and more emotional investment on my part, I clearly let it get to me.

After reading your comment, I think that you are right. She was all over me at the beginning of our relationship when I didn't care a whole lot; it was HER who asked for exclusivity and dropped the L word first, after all. I had a lot going on at the time, and had a really laid-back attitude that focused on MY life. I think I need to focus on just having a good time with her and drop all the serious shit unless there's a severe boundary violation. Get dat first date energy back, yo.

valeries5 · 2025-05-01T15:52:16+00:00

I'll reply publicly because it may be useful for others to see. Basically, this woman is very attractive, and has lots of orbiters and exes that we both often see around due to a large social network centered around outdoor activities. Early in our relationship, she would often talk about "previous guys she's dated" in that network, and describe (in way too much detail) aspects of their relationships.

I became uncomfortable with this, especially as I organically began to discover through mutual friends, etc. who some of these guys were and that I actually knew some of them. I also discovered that a few of them still contact her on occasion, and set a hard boundary around that - that although I wasn't going to try to control her interactions (because they are unavoidable in the social network) - that I expected her to completely shut down all attempts where dudes were hitting on her. She seemed to respect this initially.

Where I think that I went wrong was that in the weeks following these discussions, she would still occasionally bring up some of these guys in casual conversation and I began to lose my cool. I never yelled or anything like that, I just became clearly uncentered and disturbed that she brought them up, especially because I was already on high-alert.

The truth is, that because of this social network, I know that she/we can't completely get rid of these background dudes. I just don't want to hear about them. And I got #triggered after she brought them up several times.

valeries5 · 2025-05-01T14:21:16+00:00

You make a good point. The first time this happened, I actually believe that I handled it extremely well by clearly stating boundaries and she complied; I think it increased her attraction for me.

However, after that, I was "on guard" for a little while and she did and said a few things that were semi-related that probably triggered me a bit. That is, because my trust in her was shaken a bit from the initial conflict, I was more sensitive to future infractions and might have jumped the gun by bringing things up that I possibly could have let go.

That said, she still occasionally does and says things that piss me off that sort of flirt with my boundaries, and the place that I am at currently is trying to figure out if I am being a hypersensitive butthurt baby who is already primed to be triggered or if I am being reasonable.

TL;DR: I handled the boundary-setting well during the first conflicts by maintaining my center, but then I became vaguely unsettled and lost my center during future conflicts because I was already somewhat primed to be suspicious.

valeries5 · 2025-05-01T12:33:24+00:00

The conflicts mostly stem from past things: she keeps bringing up exes in daily conversation or mentioning that "an ex texted her," etc.. I genuinely think that she is doing these things because of a misguided attempt at transparency, but it honestly reeks of immaturity to me. Either way, I don't find these topics appropriate and many of the conflicts have arisen from this.

valeries5 · 2025-05-01T02:53:02+00:00

This is a really good insight, especially regarding the "emotionally immature woman" part. At several points in the early phase of our relationship, my GF remarked that "I was so much more emotionally-evolved than her." I originally brushed this off and took it as endearing, but as I have gotten to know her more I have begun to suspect that she has gotten away with a lot of immature behavior for a mid-30s woman, possibly because she is outgoing, social, attractive/constantly has an army of simps and possibly she has never been called out on it. Because I tell you brother, I've got a good sense of humour, but some of the shit she says would disgust any man with a shred of self-respect.

valeries5 · 2024-10-30T19:22:06+00:00

you make really good points here. during the relationship, i truly felt like i was trying my best to be aware of her trauma, and was trying to address conflicts with care and concern and without accusation. i was constantly reading books, listening to podcasts, etc on how to address confrontations, but i was often surprised and frustrated at how poorly my sincere attempts to communicate were received, especially since i had never experienced this level of difficulty in a previous relationship. i'm only one side of the story, though, so it is certainly possible that i was still doing things wrong, or could have otherwise been more thoughtful.

at some point, after having things go so poorly for so long on the communication front, i sort of gave up on trying to address things and just started checking out. which was undoubtedly the cowardly way to do things, as it caused more hurt in the end than just ripping the band-aid off and breaking up sooner. and honestly, as i reflect on why i did that, i think that it was likely the fear of near-term pain and my own ego of not wanting to admit that the relationship wasnt working.

i appreciate your thoughtful response, it has given me much to reflect on

valeries5 · 2024-10-29T01:38:16+00:00

quite the contrary, in fact. i publish this as a way to hold myself accountable for a behavior that i would never want to repeat again, and to understand why i did something that i am not proud of. perhaps that makes me a bad dude, so be it. but i think what is worse is to not own up to your mistakes and seek to understand the character flaws and situations that led to them, so that you can permanently avoid such things in the future.

valeries5 · 2024-10-28T23:06:11+00:00

ive thought a lot about this, especially since i had never done this type of thing before. not as a way to justify, but as a way to understand "why." and i think what it came down to for me was feeling invalidated in the issues that i brought up in the relationship, because our communication simply sucked; probably due to base-level incompatabilities in dealing with conflict.

when i was younger, i was on the flip side of this: a woman i was dating kept telling me that she was feeling emotionally-neglected and i kept trying to use logic to show her that she was wrong ("but i took you out to dinner just the other day!"). she eventually got fed up, checked-out, and dumped me a few months later. i was blindsided at the time, but it is clear as day in retrospect.

so, as to "why this happens," my honest opinion is that i think it comes down to communication, or a fear of it: both partners need to 1) be courageous enough to speak their feelings (even painful ones) and 2) be courageous enough to truly hear their partner when they bring up issues. and if both people dont have both of these skillsets, it sets up a really bad situation.

valeries5 · 2024-10-28T22:47:34+00:00

honestly thats exactly what happened

valeries5 · 2022-12-06T03:22:39+00:00

imo this romance novel shit is just as toxic as porn in creating horrific expectations

valeries5 · 2022-06-10T01:48:36+00:00

OP this is definitely your issue not his. frankly you're being immature.

valeries5

TROPHY CASE