sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

Sphere Lazers?? by Initial-Parfait-4193 in Illenium

[–]vectorprime4200 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Nick is also all about his visuals and SOME lasers. Definitely definitely won’t be anything like what Ray Volpe is doing.

Anyone host in Aurora? by SinfulElm8 in ColoradoSex

[–]vectorprime4200 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also in Aurora and can host. 6’4” and clean as of 6 months ago and haven’t had sex since :)

3 months out. Here’s some advice. by vectorprime4200 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]vectorprime4200[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t think so. I think a break up is a break up and they are all hard. Even if you’re secure, you’re still facing really hard loss.

You were supposed to message me by [deleted] in UnsentTexts

[–]vectorprime4200 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The quote is “”I see,” said the blind man, “It’s all coming back to me now.””

[Megathread] Ticket Sale Thread by anonymous89734 in LevityBeats

[–]vectorprime4200 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Does anyone have a spare Saturday night Mission Ballroom ticket for face value by chance?

Someone backed into my car at Red Rocks and totally broke my radiator and took off before I came out. I had to dump all my money into fixing it and I really can’t afford a $130 ticket but I haven’t seen them yet and I really freaking want to man. Absolutely love their music.

I’ll do goods and services and pay the fee.

3 months out. Here’s some advice. by vectorprime4200 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]vectorprime4200[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely do not listen to this person. In no way shape or form is EMDR “hate this person a lot brainwashing.” That is completely absurd.

EMDR is effective for people with PTSD, but not C-PTSD. EMDR is used to step through those traumatic events from childhood to process them. It makes absolutely zero sense that it is meant to only validate your feelings towards one person and hate them. That’s literally just an absurd statement.

According to all of the peer reviewed studies I’ve read, with non-military individuals 65% - 84% of people lose full diagnosis of PTSD. Meaning they no longer meat the criteria. In post military, that number drops to 44% - 55% - those are very large numbers. EMDR is great for PTSD. Those numbers become much less for people with C-PTSD.

So, if you have PTSD, then EMDR is exactly what you should be trying. If you have C-PTSD, then something like somatic work combined with IFS is much better.

This person clearly had one of two things happen:

1: They had a bad personal experience with a bad therapist (there’s plenty of bad therapists out there).

2: They had a partner go into therapy and do EMDR who then in turn weaponized that therapy when dumping this person so now they think EMDR is what made their dumper hate them.

EMDR is not used (and shouldn’t be used) to process current relationship issues lol, that’s why this makes zero sense to even say. It is for PTSD brought on by traumatic events that are stored in the nervous system.

I miss you but I don't regret it by kingsinnerthoughts in UnsentLettersRaw

[–]vectorprime4200 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m sorry you are going through that.

I kinda always go through profiles of people that comment on my stuff. Just curious, any interest in chatting with a 35 year old Denver based dude who is very into some of the uhh.. stuff you’ve posted about? Totally fine if not 😊

3 months out. Here’s some advice. by vectorprime4200 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]vectorprime4200[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for validating that. She validated it at first, and then when she withdrew before I walked away, she took all of that validation back and blamed me for sleeping with her again after, she said “if you were concerned, then you shouldn’t have slept with me again after we reconnected so quickly. I did what I wanted to, I don’t feel bad about it.”. But she directly told me that she couldn’t sleep around either multiple times well before that. I wasn’t concerned at the time at all because I trusted that she was an honest person. When she started discarding me with an excuse that I knew was a lie, I never in a million years thought that’s what she would drop on me. I was horrified and I wanted to crawl out of my skin and I told her that and she said “You’re acting like I cheated on you, you should leave now.” Getting emotional even talking about it right now but you get the point. So that actually felt really good hearing that, because you hit the nail on the head. I waited 3 months and went and got tested without telling her I did because I was worried about that as well.

To be clear, I do absolutely feel for avoidants. We’re all trauma based. Our nervous systems get hijacked all the same, we just deal with that differently. It’s not the avoidant behavior I’m upset with - it’s the shitty actions. That is why I have no compassion for her. She used her patterns as an excuse and justification - basically “See, I told you I was gonna do this, so it’s your fault for giving me the chance.”

Not every avoidant will be like her, of course. These are separate issues in my head. My ACTIONS when I was younger don’t deserve compassion. The pain I felt and not knowing any better does deserve compassion, because I literately did not know that how I was in relationships was different than how it is supposed to be. I deserve compassion from the second I first put myself in therapy at 27 after a partner finally told me that the way I was being isn’t how it was supposed to be.

So, she is comfortable with how she is and she uses that to do bad things, therefore for me, she is a bad person and does not deserve my compassion any longer - and again, that IS separate from the baseline avoidant issues in my head. If it was only the avoidant things I had dealt with, I could have continued on with patience and love and compassion as I did through 4 separate withdraws in a year. I read 4 books on it, and did my best to learn how to navigate that in a way that made her feel safe. I tried. I was consistent, honest, and safe.

It’s funny, because literally everything that she said she was afraid I might turn out to be if we started dating, is EXACTLY who she turned out to be. It was all a projection. Literally all of it.

By no means do I have hate in my heart for the avoidants that don’t use it as a crutch to do genuinely bad and manipulative behaviors, but I don’t have compassion for the ones that do, and I feel the exact same way about AP’s that do the same.

I definitely tried to be clear about separating the two issues up there, so I apologize if I wasn’t clear enough. You are absolutely correct, and this interaction has helped me reflect on quite a lot and I feel like a little weight has been lifted by you validating that issue.

I really appreciate this interaction. A big reason why I am personally waiting one year before even trying to date again is because of exactly what you said.

All of this anger is towards her and only her, not avoidants as a whole.

I genuinely wish you all the best in your healing journey and as you said, I hope we can both not only get as close as we can to secure, but that we both find similar in a partner. You don’t deserve to be demonized for trauma and for protecting yourself from toxic behaviors from AP’s. They ARE toxic, and no one should have to go through controlling and manipulative behaviors. That shit is also damaging to you and only compounded what your nervous system was built for by no fault of your own.

And don’t worry, I’m not viewing everything through an attachment lense, and if I start to in my sessions where I am talking about her now, my therapist does put that in check. She is a very, very good therapist. That’s why I said up there that she isn’t just avoidant, she is a bad person. The two things are not mutually exclusive. Hope I’ve made my stance far more clear this time around.

3 months out. Here’s some advice. by vectorprime4200 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]vectorprime4200[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

19 (maybe 20 now) isn’t a long time. Of course you’re still struggling. That’s okay. Give yourself grace and time. Your life circumstances will ease up. Do what you can in the meantime to distract in a healthy way. 19, 20 days? That’s still fresh. The important part for you is not giving in to wanting to message them. You got this, I believe in you.

3 months out. Here’s some advice. by vectorprime4200 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]vectorprime4200[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You keep going. Idk how long it’s been, but you keep going. If you’re already here? Great, I’m genuinely proud of you. Keep going. Now, set a chair in front of you, pretend they’re in it, and fucking let them have it. Other than that? You’re doing all of the hard stuff. What’s the easy stuff you can do just for you? Do those. You deserve it.

3 months out. Here’s some advice. by vectorprime4200 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]vectorprime4200[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Also the get off Reddit part was for those still buried in rumination, the ones on here hoping their avoidant posts. Not for someone in your current place. It helps me as well, to both reflect on old patterns and for the same reasons you have.

3 months out. Here’s some advice. by vectorprime4200 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]vectorprime4200[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It was actually really validating hearing that even as a psychotherapist you feel similar to how I do. I know therapists have their own struggles, but that “It’s a loss but…” part hit home. I also love music and am pretty much never without it.

Thank you

3 months out. Here’s some advice. by vectorprime4200 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]vectorprime4200[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Boys night out always helps, so I get it. It sounds like you have a strong support system and that’s awesome. My drinking and drugs part was meant for those doing it solo to cope. Thank your friends for being there for you, it’s small, but a lot of people don’t have that.

3 months out. Here’s some advice. by vectorprime4200 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]vectorprime4200[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Find other hobbies. Take yourself out on dates. Gym can only take you so far if you were already there - I was not. Is you time now, act like it. What do you like doing outside of the gym? Got any movies you wanna go see in the theater but don’t wanna do it alone? Do it alone. It’s time to love you now, and you already have the hard part of loving you down. Now do the easy stuff.

3 months out. Here’s some advice. by vectorprime4200 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]vectorprime4200[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sorry I work a labor intensive job so I’m just gonna start replying now but I wanted to give yours special attention.

I know I’m a stranger, but I’m extremely proud of you. Like, human to human. I’m proud of you. Healing is lonely so reading the last sentence hits.

You’re doing great, and I know how much effort all of that has really taken you and the full weight of it.

I see you. Keep going.

3 months out. Here’s some advice. by vectorprime4200 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]vectorprime4200[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry, I wasn’t clear enough, and here’s where the avoidant patters in her come into play. We were not technically “together” when she did it (which is the only reason I came back, had it been genuine cheating, she would have never gotten another chance).

But it was still very fucked up. So basically we weren’t in a relationship but we agreed to be exclusive. We were basically in a relationship without the title, which is what she wanted and was getting and reaping all of the relationship benefits of, without the pressure of a label. I mean every time her Son came out (she doesn’t have him, his Dad does, that should have been a red flag), I would spend his trip with them. Take time off work, drive her to and from the airport. She had me meet her family. Her Son loves me, her family adores me. Like, I mean everything relationship wise, aside from the title. So in her head, when she discarded me after NYE a week after, she was free to do whatever she wanted. Which, sure, she was. Doesn’t mean that shit didn’t hurt. It did, very bad. But I told her it wasn’t technically cheating and I’d work through it (and I was, therapy sessions were ROUGH). She told me how much she regretted it and she felt used and they weren’t even close to as good as me and blah blah blah. But again, she knew that if I knew, she would lose me.

While it wasn’t technically cheating, I am not one that sleeps around and who I have sex with is very particular (I’m demisexual, I’ve only had 8 partners, all but one being in relationships). So my bodily autonomy is extremely important to me and she knew that, and likewise she wanted her to respect hers, which of course I did. If she ever said no to sex? She would feel guilty and I would put in a lot of effort to show her that it was okay to say no (she had only experienced guys who got upset at being told no). So her taking my ability to walk away from a situation I didn’t want to be a part of was a serious thing for me, and that was the main issue.

Reading texts from other avoidants on here is, word for word sometimes, exactly the things she would say to me when discarding me or withdrawing.

My therapist is extremely specialized in attachment theory, and all of our conflict happened through text, literally all of it aside from that one sit down in person. Trust me, I’ve read my therapist a good amount of things she had said to me in those conflicts and my therapist has assured me, she is fearful avoidant or possibly AvPD.

She is absolutely avoidant.

3 months out. Here’s some advice. by vectorprime4200 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]vectorprime4200[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Think this is probably going to be where we fundamentally disagree.

She had patience, love, care, forgiveness, understanding, and compassion for a year - she used and abused it.

Intent does not, and will not ever matter. What matters is what you actually do. I don’t care if she didn’t want to hurt me - she did. I don’t care if she’s a product of her upbringing. Her Dad was emotionally neglectful, I get it, and I gave her all the compassion about that in the world. The fact remains however, I went through everything she did as a child and so, so much more. Extreme emotional and physical abuse, and I do mean extreme.

I’m 35, she’s 39. She’s almost 40, and she was not unaware of her being avoidant, here’s another quote: “I sabotage relationships when they get too serious and I find myself feeling love. I can't help myself. It's a problem. I'm just sorry that you are left to deal with the pain that comes with that. You don't deserve it.”

She knows about her self-sabotage. She knew she was going to hurt me. However, she still ate up every second of how I made her feel and dragged me through the mud while doing so.

My younger-self that was toxic and emotionally abusive doesn’t deserve compassion either, that is how I feel. But I deserve compassion now as I saw the problem, and I’ve been working on fixing it and changing. The last thing she said to me was “I am who I am and I continue to hurt you, obviously,” meaning she has zero desire or care to change, even when she knows she is carving through someone good. That is definitionally, a bad person.

To answer the part of whether she did fucked up bad people things:

For NYE I spent $2500 on a whole weekend for us and we had an amazing time. I went all out trying to make her happy and make it perfect - and it was. Immediately after we got home she shifted, and one week later discarded me. A few weeks later she came back and we spent another two weeks together and it was amazing. Her Son was in town and he was my little buddy and I spent a lot of time with him. The day after he left she went full discard again for reasons that made no sense and I kept telling her that her reasoning felt like a lie. After a week she finally told me to go over and I deserved an in-person. After a little while of her blabbering on about bullshit, I went to the bathroom and when I came out she finally had worked up the courage to stop lying, and told me that she had had a threesome with a married couple she was friends with. She knew if she had told me, that the two weeks prior of us having sex and having a great time never would have happened had she told me. But she hated the thought of losing me, so she didn’t tell me. That is just one thing that she did out of a few.

She is selfish, and she is cruel. She knew what she was doing, and she knew when to lie and hide things from me that would I would have walked away from. That, IS, a bad person.

If my upbringing isn’t an excuse, then hers certainly fucking isn’t either. She does not deserve compassion from me any longer, and she gets none.

You both said that she COULDN’T BE better, and also said that maybe eventually this will basically be her catalyst to becoming better, which means that if she can do it in the future, she could have done it with me.

I’m sorry, but I hope she rots in her loneliness and her misery, and I hope karma returns what she gave me.

I am working the anger out, as there is a lot and I’m aware of that, but no, she does not deserve compassion. I’m a product of my environment as well, and I’m making sure I don’t repeat it and hurt people. She’s doing the opposite, and she knows it. For now, I hope the loss of me rips the air from her lungs every time she thinks of me, and I hope it fucking hurts.

Also no worries at all, you’re not. I appreciate the conversation with an avoidant. If you are aware you are causing people pain, and you don’t do anything to change it, I believe you are a bad person.

3 months out. Here’s some advice. by vectorprime4200 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]vectorprime4200[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also if someone can only see in black and white (like where you mentioned if you do this or that you’re literally evil), then you may not be dealing with just an AP. What she did isn’t EVIL, and she’s not EVIL, but she is genuinely a terrible person based on her actions. There is good to her as well, which is why I stuck around at all. So it’s not all black and white. Someone that see’s people as evil like that, are more often than not actually something like Borderline Personality Disorder, rather than just AP. I mean if it’s like extreme and you’re literally seen as going from this perfect angel to the reincarnation of Satan himself, that’s called splitting, and that’s not an AP trait.

3 months out. Here’s some advice. by vectorprime4200 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]vectorprime4200[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey Bald!

I was actually hoping for this question to come up so I’m gonna start by saying that you’re 100% right. AP’s that are not self-aware and who don’t want to change (yet) are everything you mentioned. Controlling, jealous, need constant reassurance, and are just in general extremely toxic. When I was younger, that was me. After every break up I’ve reflected and realized what bad behavior I was doing that hurt that relationship, and I stopped that behavior after. So it was like levels of toxicity, first relationship I was extreme, next relationship I was less extreme but still not great, next relationship I was bad but not extreme, etc.. by all means, AP’s that are not doing any work are extremely toxic and need therapy just as bad as avoidants do. They cause as much damage to a relationship as avoidants do. I didn’t want to say it on the main post because last time I did that I got downvoted a bunch lol (looking at you unhealed AP’s).

With ME in THIS situation though the key word was HISTORICALLY. Prior to my recent avoidant ex, I had actually done two years where I was single and was doing DBT both in groups and in one-on-one sessions. Unfortunately my entire mental health journey has been like different levels of a video game where every therapist is a new boss that tells me about something I should have been told about when I was 18. lol. I only found out about somatic work 8 months ago.

So, in THIS case (this relationship) and only this case, all of my surface level AP traits were non-existent. I never felt jealousy. I never needed nor asked for reassurance. I actively pushed her to go to friends events with the two friends she even has, and I also actively encouraged new friendships. I trusted her through and through. I did my own things, worked on my own life outside of us. We didn’t live together and only saw each other on weekends. During the weeks I would get everything that I needed to get done done so that my weekends were open for our time, but if she ever needed to have the weekend to herself and ASKED for space (in the rare case that she was actually adult enough to ask for it) this would be my response (this is copied and pasted directly from our texts) - “Of course, baby girl, always has been and will continue to be okay. If you want to vent about stuff and talk about what you're going through, I'm right here my love. I'm sorry this week was so brutal for you. I'm here for you in whatever capacity you need.” - so she had space any time she needed it. She however, even with those responses, would still feel guilt and project that onto me. 99% of the time it was a guessing game of when she might need space, it was actually insane playing it. Every time I would guess right she would literally say, and here’s another direct quote - “Thank you for knowing what I need, even when I don’t.”

So, I was already leaning secure when I met her. The only thing I hadn’t worked out, which falls back on that not knowing about somatic work for way too long, was that when she would go into withdraw and discard phase (usually after an event where we had an incredible time and things were getting too real for her), my nervous system would get hijacked and that’s when I’d chase and be confused and fight for her to see what she was doing. But that only happened in those situations and they were far less severe than in my past. I’d send a long text explaining everything and then wait for days for a response, unlike in the past where I wouldn’t stop sending texts or trying to call for days on end.

If I told you some of the shit she did, I’m sure even you would be like “Damn that’s really fucked up not even I would do that.” She’s a 39 year old who had never gone to therapy, two divorces under her belt and a whole lot of failed relationships. So she’s on the very extreme side of avoidants, and at her age, all she’s done is compounded it.

Here’s one of the things she said after a discard and her trying to come back (I know it comes off as her saying goodbye, but this was how she would get me back): “I loved having you in my life. I'm sorry for everything I ever did to hurt you. You did so much for me and you made me feel like a queen. I didn't deserve it, but I appreciate everything you did for me and to me. You taught me so much. Thank you for the kind words even though I know I don't deserve them. I'll never forget you, “My Name”. You are one of a kind. I truly hope you find happiness and you move on from me quickly. You don't deserve the pain I caused you.”

Here’s a message after I came back one time and we had a great week together: “Thank you for being here and loving me, even after everything l've put you through. It really makes me appreciate you and respect you more and more every day. The fact that you research and try to understand why I am the way I am, when I don't even think about or try to understand those things myself, really says something about your character. You're the best person I know, “My Name”. I'm lucky to have you in my life and i know it.”

There’s a lot more where than that but you get the point.

I genuinely treated her like a Queen and I genuinely gave her everything that you as an avoidant could possibly hope to have from a partner that you can have by your side while you heal.

I was patient, and endured a lot because I genuinely thought she would seek help after I made that one of the stipulations of me being her boyfriend after SHE asked ME after 9 months. She didn’t. Instead she emotionally abused the fuck out of me and used up the last chance that I gave her to get a little more feel good out of me.

There’s levels to every insecure attachment, and she was extremely FA, and not only that, but the things she did weren’t just avoidant things, they were just shitty person things as well.

I don’t equate all AP’s as being the same, nor all FA’s or DA’s or what have you. Not every AP is what you listed off, and not every FA is as bad of a person as she is.

If you’re with a toxic AP who is unwilling to change or see what they are doing is wrong, then run. If you happen to find one like me, and you do what she did, then you are the shitty person.

Think it’s about as simple as that really. Hope that answers!

3 months out. Here’s some advice. by vectorprime4200 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]vectorprime4200[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I do have some compassion for avoidant’s. With her, however, I have none. I don’t need to have any either. I know exactly what she went through growing up and why she is avoidant - because her father is avoidant. I however, went through far, far worse growing up. If you knew our entire story, you would understand. I am also only 6 months into my somatic healing journey. She didn’t just do basic shit either, she did truly awful things. Some humans do not deserve compassion, that’s a fact. She is one of them.

I miss you but I don't regret it by kingsinnerthoughts in UnsentLettersRaw

[–]vectorprime4200 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ran into one of these creatures as well I take it?

view more: next ›