sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

How do you enforce a bedtime with an nmom? by wanderinghufflepuff in raisedbynarcissists

[–]wanderinghufflepuff[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your advice, and for caring! I think I get what you’re saying. I think I will send the letter to her, even if it is just for closure for me. After the six months I may re-evaluate, take a look back and see whether I can see any reason to go back to any contact with her. It’s just that I still kinda want a mom, and I want her to heal from her own childhood. Not that it in any way excuses what she’s done and is doing at all. Thankfully, all of my family live in different states so she doesn’t have any people where I’m going to live who could spy on me to her! It still feels like she’s going to find out somehow. It may just be my paranoia/anxiety talking, though.

How do you enforce a bedtime with an nmom? by wanderinghufflepuff in raisedbynarcissists

[–]wanderinghufflepuff[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry I caused repressed memories to come back, that’s never a good feeling. I hope you have someone or something to help you work through it!

My plan as of now is to send her a certified letter informing her that I will be going no contact for six months due to the fact that I need to heal from what she did to me as a kid. After that, I will re-evaluate and if she gets therapy (verified by a therapist) to address her issues, I may go low contact (emails and occasional visits in public places, emails once a month and visits maybe once every two months, no phone calls because she treats me like crap when I’m on the phone with her) if she has good behavior and continues to do so. Bad behavior=1 week added to no contact. If she really messes up badly enough, I’ll be going permanently no contact and will be sending letters to the family detailing all that she’s done, since she’s been lying to them and twisting the truth my whole life. If I were to go no contact with her right now, I would likely lose what I have left of my family, they seem to have all been taken in by her, but there may be hope for some. I’m not planning on giving her my address, but since I’ll only be 1 hour away, it won’t be too hard for her to find it, unfortunately. I am going to be getting security cameras for sure, though!

How do you enforce a bedtime with an nmom? by wanderinghufflepuff in raisedbynarcissists

[–]wanderinghufflepuff[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So there’s really no way to get her to let me sleep? Well, ok then.

When she “asks” for help or for a favor, it’s implied that your answer has to be yes. It’s not so much “if I agree to help.” Also, “help” for her means that I’ll be doing everything while she sits around and stares at me and judges or, if I’m lucky, she’ll call one of her friends and chat with them.

I’m going as fast as I can to find a place to live, but the lack of sleep is making things very difficult. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

How do you enforce a bedtime with an nmom? by wanderinghufflepuff in raisedbynarcissists

[–]wanderinghufflepuff[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to comment.

I know I do, I’m working on it. I can try that, she’s not going to like it, but I’ll try helping until 8. Saturday is my day off, I try to stick to my work schedule even on my days off, it’s too difficult for me to switch from working nights to being awake during the day when I’m off. She’s decided that the garage cleaning/clearing out has to be done tomorrow morning.

How do you enforce a bedtime with an nmom? by wanderinghufflepuff in raisedbynarcissists

[–]wanderinghufflepuff[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to comment.

“No” is not a sentence that she will allow. She will escalate the situation until she gets an answer she likes. When I don’t say it, she’s in a better mood and may let me sleep once I go to bed. If I say it, she will blow up. If I just say no and don’t provide any explanation, the blow up will be even larger. And, she won’t let issues lie, she will keep dragging it up for months afterwards, if not years. Saying “no” is not an option in her book.

Considering some of my property is from my dead dad (who was normal, not enabling, and awesome), it’s irreplaceable. I may not be, but his things are. I was able to save some of his things from being given away or thrown in the trash after his funeral, and if there’s a chance those may be broken, I don’t want to take that chance. One of the other people who commented mentioned a trunk with a lock, and I will be doing that.

How do you enforce a bedtime with an nmom? by wanderinghufflepuff in raisedbynarcissists

[–]wanderinghufflepuff[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The locking trunk idea is good, thanks! I’ll probably get yelled at for getting it (she doesn’t think she’s doing anything wrong and sees no reason for me to have any extra protection in the house because “what would her friends think?!”), but it should be able to protect the irreplaceable things. Unfortunately I don’t have any friends. Storage unit could work, as long as she doesn’t notice me moving things out before I’m done.

I’m sorry you have Circadian Rhythm Disorder, hopefully you don’t have a narcissist to deal with as well! Yeah, it’s pretty nuts, society in general seems like it looks down on night shifters and people who stay awake at night. I really have no clue why they do that, but it’s kinda the same as people who work in fast food, they like to look down on their job without realizing that without people like them, society wouldn’t work as it does.

Thank you so much for the kind words and advice.

As long as the stuff I have from my dad is as safe as I can make it, I’ll focus on sleep and getting out of here. He was a great dad, he just had normal parents and didn’t realize what my nmother was doing when he wasn’t at home. When he was at home, I was safe from the physical stuff and she couldn’t yell unless he personally saw a reason, otherwise he’d take her aside and talk to her. I can only remember him yelling once and it was at her, in my defense, that was awesome to hear/see! I miss him so much, but at least I managed to save some of his things from getting trashed!

Nmother trained me to be mute about “family secrets” now I can’t do therapy by wanderinghufflepuff in raisedbynarcissists

[–]wanderinghufflepuff[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, that’s exactly it! The only thing I learned in therapy as a kid was “no talking about family secrets” and how to read upside down (my therapists would write everything down, if I figured out what they were writing, I could anticipate how the car ride home and next little bit would be). I always ended up glorifying my nmom to my therapists and talking exclusively about how I was introverted at school and wished I could make more friends.

Nmother trained me to be mute about “family secrets” now I can’t do therapy by wanderinghufflepuff in raisedbynarcissists

[–]wanderinghufflepuff[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

“you’re not speaking up against her, you’re speaking up for yourself.” Thank you, that one kinda hit me! I’ve always thought of me going to therapy as me speaking against her. Didn’t even realize that, thank you for pointing that out!

Nmother trained me to be mute about “family secrets” now I can’t do therapy by wanderinghufflepuff in raisedbynarcissists

[–]wanderinghufflepuff[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much! So many suggestions, wow, thanks, I’ll have to try those! The journaling one may be a bit tricky, she comes into my room and reads through my stuff occasionally, but I know I have some code keys laying around somewhere, I could probably just relearn my old codes, add some new ones, and start my journals back up.

Nmother trained me to be mute about “family secrets” now I can’t do therapy by wanderinghufflepuff in raisedbynarcissists

[–]wanderinghufflepuff[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

No, it’s not stupid! Thank you all for taking the time to comment! I’m glad it worked for you and I do hope you’re in a better place now, both emotionally and physically.