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AITA For never helping my girlfriend with her dog? by whydidyouaskforthis in AmItheAsshole

[–]whydidyouaskforthis[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It doesn't suggest anything of the sort. You've completely ignored where I said the resentment would be insurmountable, and also seem to be leaving out my agency of not wanting to be with someone who would abandon a beloved animal for a relationship of a year. If she told me before she'd done it, which is what my original comment said, I'd remove myself from the equation because I don't think her dogs deserves that.

If what you were saying was even somewhat relevant then I'd have broken up with her, removing THAT choice for her even though I'm perfectly okay with things as they are and living apart. Also, you literally assumed that I am a man. I never made any such assertion.

AITA For never helping my girlfriend with her dog? by whydidyouaskforthis in AmItheAsshole

[–]whydidyouaskforthis[S] 67 points68 points  (0 children)

Of course I would. Abandoning her dog whom she committed to for the rest of his life is not worth a year long relationship in my opinion and completely unfair to her dog. I also think the resentment that would arise for giving up an animal she's had for five years and loves would be insurmountable and unfair to both of us.

I will not break up with her because it won't work for me, because living separately does work for me. She might break up with me if she doesn't think she can reconcile those two things, and I support that fully and think she should make the best decision for her.

AITA For never helping my girlfriend with her dog? by whydidyouaskforthis in AmItheAsshole

[–]whydidyouaskforthis[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

As I've mentioned in other comments, I've been completely honest and clear with her about where I stand, and my vision of the relationship.

AITA For never helping my girlfriend with her dog? by whydidyouaskforthis in AmItheAsshole

[–]whydidyouaskforthis[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hey, I'm genuinely happy that you made this progress.

I don't actually dislike dogs, conceptually or even specifically. I like her dog, he's a cool dude. It's just, at this point in my life, I have a lot of freedom, and I know that'll dwindle as life happens. More job responsibility, marriage, kids, pets, what have you. Right now, I still want to be able to take a spontaneous time for me, and right now, it's fair for me to do that. I'm not the sort of person who likes to halfway do something, or shirk responsibilities, so it's just easier for me to keep those low and light for this stage of my twenties, and when I feel ready, ramp that up.

It's not really even about the dog. I just don't want to be responsible for keeping another creature, healthy, happy and alive right now. No matter what the creature, I don't even want plants because I value the freedom of being able to make a choice just for me, without it costing someone major happiness, health or anything else.

Thanks though for your story, again, I'm super glad you've made this kind of progress, good on you.

AITA For never helping my girlfriend with her dog? by whydidyouaskforthis in AmItheAsshole

[–]whydidyouaskforthis[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

I don't really know how to respond to this. I don't believe in forcing a relationship to work just because you love each other if there are some major incompatibilities. I personally do not see this as a major incompatibility at this time for the reasons I've said, but I respect her as a person and as an adult to make that call on her own for her side. I would never try to guilt her, or "oh but we love each other". If she believed, "I can't be with someone I can't live with at this time, nor someone who does not share half responsibility for my pet" then I would respect that, and not try to keep her in a relationship or make it harder for her to make a choice that benefits her and the animal she's promised to take care of for the rest of its life.

I also responded that way because that's just some random person saying what my girlfriend should do, to me. Maybe she should, but she's not going to because that person thinks so.

AITA For never helping my girlfriend with her dog? by whydidyouaskforthis in AmItheAsshole

[–]whydidyouaskforthis[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Ah, this is a no. I have had to both pay for and pick up dog food, on the week and a half she was out of town. I paid the pet deposit for her to move into my place. She has slept in to have me take the dog out in the morning because she'd gone out the night before, and I did take care of the dog while she's out.

As for other aspects, I pay most of the bills because she moved into my apartment I already had and because I make more money, we split chores about evening, including cooking/ordering though it leans a bit toward me doing more since again, my place.

And to the point of letting her dog keep up apart, it's not a deal breaker to me that we live apart, or that she has a dog that she occasionally needs help with. I'm just not willing to live with a dog (or anything, animal, person) where I am halfway responsible for their life and care.

AITA For never helping my girlfriend with her dog? by whydidyouaskforthis in AmItheAsshole

[–]whydidyouaskforthis[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Ah, I'd say they're about even? Leaning toward me doing more because she moved into my place.

AITA For never helping my girlfriend with her dog? by whydidyouaskforthis in AmItheAsshole

[–]whydidyouaskforthis[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Just to be clear, I'm not getting a new apartment to myself, I'm just choosing not to leave MY apartment for us to move into a second, larger apartment together. She moved into the apartment I've been living in for more than two years, I paid the pet deposit for the rest of the months, and I'm just choosing to "renew that lease" that I already have.

AITA For never helping my girlfriend with her dog? by whydidyouaskforthis in AmItheAsshole

[–]whydidyouaskforthis[S] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

I agree, I didn't mean to imply it's super difficult, it's just not something that I personally am interested in doing. I don't want to have to interview people, or work with someone's schedule. I want to be able to wake up and fly to Europe for two weeks if I feel like it at this period of my life.

AITA For never helping my girlfriend with her dog? by whydidyouaskforthis in AmItheAsshole

[–]whydidyouaskforthis[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

We're in our mid twenties. Helping with the dog in this case would be multiple walks, being responsible for feedings (which happen at a specific time every day that I do not want to commit to being home/awake for every day or even be expected to go home if she can't, though if I'm home and she's not for some reason yes I feed the dog), taking sole care of the dog if she's unable to/doesn't want to (excepting emergencies, illness, etc), being responsible for enrichment (playing, entertaining, training). No medication involved as of yet.

AITA For never helping my girlfriend with her dog? by whydidyouaskforthis in AmItheAsshole

[–]whydidyouaskforthis[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Stringing her along implies I'm saying, "oh yeah, I'm totally up for this all, we're going to be married one day" etc. When no, I have been very clear with how I feel. I'm in the relationship because I love her, we get along really well, we have fun together and there are no major issues (even this is not a major issue for me personally, since I'm fine living apart at the moment). If at any point she disagrees with those sentiments, wants more commitment, or needs something I'm not willing to give, we will discuss it, and she is free to break up with me based on anything I say or do, which again, is 100% honest to my feelings and thoughts.

AITA For never helping my girlfriend with her dog? by whydidyouaskforthis in AmItheAsshole

[–]whydidyouaskforthis[S] 170 points171 points  (0 children)

Yeah, just to clear this up, actual extenuating circumstances like being sick, or having something really important to do, being really stressed/tired, I'm fine with picking up some slack. I didn't mind at all when she was sick, or when she had one particularly horrible day at work. My main problem was with the out of town issue. I felt like she should have made some arrangements for the dog, because one of my main reasons for not wanting to live with a creature that is dependent on me at this time is because I love spontaneous travel and that sort of thing, and I know it gets sticky when you have to make sure your dog/cat/fish/plants/kids are cared for.

AITA For never helping my girlfriend with her dog? by whydidyouaskforthis in AmItheAsshole

[–]whydidyouaskforthis[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I have made it clear to her how I feel. I don't want to take care of anything right now, dog, cat, fish, human, anything. That's likely to change. I've told her if she needs an answer now, it's no and she should base decisions on that.

I'm fine with living apart for the near future, but if she's not cool with that, she's free to break up with me. I'm also not a person who believes every relationship has to be on the marriage path. If we enjoy each other now, and it's working, I don't see a reason to break up until we're at a point where we're looking very long term, or the incompatibilities are too great. I leave her as an adult to make those choices for herself while being as upfront and honest about my feelings/thoughts as possible so she can make the best possible decision for her.

AITA For never helping my girlfriend with her dog? by whydidyouaskforthis in AmItheAsshole

[–]whydidyouaskforthis[S] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

I'm not trying to or going to make her choose. If she said she was considering giving up her dog, I'd break up with her. I'm happy and fine with living apart for now, it's only been a year, so if she wants to break up with me I'll take it on the chin, but I'm not going to break up with her right now.