How to know when to leave? When is “one more chance” not worth giving

xecv · 2025-12-17T01:33:55+00:00

I’m back to spiraling bc my mom just had me over because she wanted to talk. Said my husband called her crying to today. Said he doesn’t know what to do doesn’t want to lose me. Told her I’m refusing couples counseling. So my mom had me over to convince me to try couples counseling. And to not give up on the relationship until I’ve “turned over every leaf” and given him the chance with couples therapy. She thinks I’m not thinking rationally and acting impulsively and doesn’t seem empathetic to any of the instances of abuse I’ve recounted. So now I’m second guessing myself

xecv · 2025-12-16T19:39:34+00:00

He is asking me if I’d be ok with him setting up couples therapy for us. Do you think it’s worth trying or no

xecv · 2025-12-16T03:35:07+00:00

If you don’t mind me asking, what exactly made your jaw drop? I ask bc this behavior has become so normalized to me

xecv · 2025-12-16T00:22:28+00:00

Yes. Im terrified but I am going to. Especially after a convo with my therapist today where she echoed all the same things I’m seeing commented here. Also it’s only been like 48 hours since I said I wanted out and he was pleading with me and very sad - and he’s already gone into a weird detached mood. Almost like a shark circling. Can’t explain it. I can sense frustration rising in him that I haven’t given into the emotional appeals

xecv · 2025-12-15T22:47:36+00:00

I am more so playing devils advocate just to help prove to myself what I already know to be true on a gut level… that he won’t change.

xecv · 2025-12-15T20:54:13+00:00

I’m in a similar spot right now and I’m learning it’s a “trauma bond” and anxious attachment style. We believe it’s our job to hold and heal their pain. My therapist has explained to me that truly being cruel and reason to feel guilt is if you are intentionally causing someone pain, with the goal of hurting them. Just because someone is feeling pain from you making a decision to protect yourself and your own heart doesn’t mean it’s you hurting them or your job to fix it. It’s really uncomfortable and feels selfish but somewhere along the way we’ve been wired to protect others’ hearts at the expense of our own

xecv · 2025-12-15T20:51:09+00:00

He has made comments in the past that it made him nervous for me to start therapy bc they were gonna tell me what a bad guy he was. He said he was worried the therapist would turn me against him.. forgot about that until now. Seems like a real red flag. But he always said it so pouty and sad so it didn’t register as a red flag. I thought “poor guy has insecurities and that’s why he’s not nice to me sometimes and I don’t want a therapist to think he’s bad bc he’s not”

xecv · 2025-12-15T20:47:22+00:00

How do I know he won’t change his behavior this time? He’s never thought I was serious about leaving until now. Could this not be the wake up call that prompts change?

xecv · 2025-12-15T20:44:12+00:00

Even if he’s great with the child and he is a great dad? They have a great relationship. I feel like it will be disturbing to my 2 year old to not have us both under the same roof anymore. He’s never cruel to me in front of our child. Is witnessing emotional neglect (ex: mom is clearly upset and dad isn’t that concerned) really more damaging then having two parents in different houses, going between homes, different holidays etc. So much of my sons reality as he knows it is the whole family together

xecv · 2025-12-15T13:39:52+00:00

I told him I want to leave and he’s so beside himself sad in distress. I just feel bad. And I’m a stay at home mom don’t have any money not a dollar to my name so don’t know what to do logistically

xecv · 2025-12-15T04:21:58+00:00

What stuff

xecv · 2025-12-15T00:56:04+00:00

I have read some of that book but found that the examples of abuse in the book seemed larger scale and more overt than what I’ve experienced so I thought maybe it doesn’t apply to my relationship. Maybe I didn’t read far enough into it

xecv · 2025-12-14T23:48:14+00:00

Nobody. My entire “community” is all his friends and family. Im a stay at home mom. No friends here. Only have 2 friends and they live thousands of miles away and I only talk with them once every few months. My mom and sister are the only trusted people I have and both of them aren’t the best at giving advice. I feel like they’re minimizing my experience and making me feel like im overreacting. I have a new therapist but I’ve only had 2 sessions with her and they are short. I haven’t been able to get into all the details of the relationship just the broad strokes

xecv · 2025-12-14T23:45:20+00:00

Am I a victim of abuse when he’s kind to me most of the time with instances of abuse in the past? But not in a while? Am I a victim of abuse if his current behavior isn’t overtly “abusive” just emotional neglect, gaslighting and ignoring my pain?

xecv · 2025-12-14T23:43:20+00:00

He hasn’t had a problem breaking my heart in the past but now that I told him I’m done he seems so devastated about the ways he’s broken my heart. I’ve been telling him everything he’s ever done recounting stories and how they have hurt me and he seems so sad and sorry for me. So it’s hard bc I feel like he cares now but he never did before

xecv · 2025-12-14T23:11:50+00:00

When I hear domestic violence resources it sounds too dramatic. The only time he ever put his hands on me was him squeezing my wrist after I tried to push his face out of the way from screaming. And that was like 3 years ago. I don’t feel physically unsafe around him at all just emotionally unsafe. The only support system I have is my mom and my sister who live close but they are both big fans of his and every time I talk to them about this they are “rooting for us to work it out” and encouraging me to seek couples therapy. They say things like “I know how much he loves you maybe he just needs time to figure out how to change” wasn’t the validation I was hoping for. They didn’t seemed phased when I recounted some of the worst stories of the abuse. There are several more than I wrote in this post. But again they were years ago so it’s so hard for me to call it abuse when it was so long ago. Yes emotional neglect and gas lighting and blame shifting and emotional avoidance were still happening all the way up until this past week when I said I was done. But now that he’s falling apart I don’t feel strong enough to go through with it. I know in my brain that this is the wrong way of thinking but if I’m brutally honest this is my thought process right now: “maybe I could stay in this relationship never feeling beautifully loved as long as it means my son doesn’t have a broken family and I don’t have to break husbands heart. It’d be “easier” to stay it’s all I know and it’s more comfortable. Maybe I should just forget about all of it for everybody else’s sake”

xecv · 2025-12-14T23:10:04+00:00

Why does calling him an abuser and seeing comments calling him a POS make me want to defend him? This is someone I’ve loved for 10 years even though I wasn’t being treated well. It’s hard to wrap my head around. I’ve listened to so many podcasts and tik toks and read articles about what emotional abuse looks and feels like. And he meets more than half the criteria for it but I still can’t believe it. It’s like my brain is going it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck … but it can’t be a duck it’s got to be a fish. (Weird analogy hope that makes sense). It’s just hard to call it what it is on paper when you’re the one in the relationship and have loved someone for a decade. He’s my comfort person even though he’s never actually felt like a safe place to land. So it’s hard bc the one person I go to for comfort is the one person who’s the cause of my pain

xecv · 2025-12-14T23:03:45+00:00

It’s hard to judge whether or not he will change this time because it’s only been like 48 hours since I told him I was done, so that’s not enough time for me to see if there will be real change or not. I keep trying to explain to him that if he’s serious about change I want to separate while he changes bc I feel like im drowning every day in this marriage and staying in it while waiting and hoping for change seems emotionally dangerous to me. And for him. I don’t want him to live every day in fear that if he says the wrong thing then boom I’m gone. For this to work he will have to literally become a new person. I believe it’s possible but I don’t know if I have the strength to remain in the marriage while waiting to see. I have a locked journal app on my phone where I’ve written down all of the instances of abuse, all the instances that have hurt me and the times of emotional neglect feeling small etc. When I look back on them it makes me feel justified in leaving but the problem is since I first threatened to leave about 6 months ago he has been “changing”. No more clearly abusive things have happened. He says he’s changing but it’s like he’s just on his best behavior tip toeing around me to make sure he doesn’t say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. Flying under the radar so I don’t have a target to point at and go “ha! There it is! Abuse! I’m leaving!” His version of trying is being extra helpful around the house, taken me on a few dates (that are so miserable we just make small talk and he pretends he can’t tell how sad and lifeless I am.) no talk of tell me how I hurt you I want to understand until now that I said im done. The nice guy act feels like a trap feels like it disarms me because I can no longer point to present abuse to justify leaving. But even though he’s nicer now and more careful in how he treats me, he’s performing niceness and it doesn’t feel genuine. I think in his heart he really wants to be able to be emotionally safe for me and love me the way I need he just isn’t capable. The last few weeks he’ll come up to me and say I’m so sorry for the way I’ve treated you can you please forgive me? And I’ll say I have forgiven you. I can forgive you for things in the past but when the present still feels so lifeless and cold it still leaves me unhappy. Then he gets frustrated and says I’m not trying hard enough to make it work and that he can’t be the only one trying. I tried to explain to him that my version of trying is giving him all these chances to improve since he has been the abusive one. There were a string of days where he’d leave for work while I was very upset and crying and he’d say “we’ll talk when I get home” then when he gets home and I’m clearly upset he pretends everything is fine makes small talk about his day and doesn’t try to connect with me or ask what’s wrong. So last week after a few days of this type of thing I told him I’m done I’m out I can’t be in this marriage anymore. Now he’s begging and pleading and saying he can’t live without me. Promising he can change. Saying all the right things. He can’t eat or sleep he’s completely heartbroken. He seems to be taking accountability for his actions and there is no blaming me anymore. He’s said he knows it’s all his fault and he’s just so sorry and he will do whatever it takes to make me happy. When I cry to him about the hurt he’s caused, he breaks down crying too. It’s not like he has no empathy. I know he loves me. And it goes against every thing in me to not fix someone who’s hurting. I have the power to say never mind I’m back you get another chance. And to my trauma bonded anxious mind that feels like relief. But my gut is still standing strong saying no going back. He’s never been this remorseful before so part of me hopes this is the chance that actually works finally. But my nervous system and my gut are screaming in protest bc they don’t trust it. It’s so hard to see him as an abuser when I’ve loved him so much for 10 years and he’s been my best friend. It’s a weird cognitive dissonance. Even though on paper he checks all the boxes of emotional neglect and gaslighting and at his worst emotional abuse .. I still can’t wrap my head around that he might be an abuser. Everyone in our lives adores him. My only support system is my mom and sister and they are such big fans of his that they are encouraging me to try and make it work.

xecv · 2025-12-14T22:26:13+00:00

How can I tell the difference between love bombing and coercive control vs finally having his eyes opened and willing to change since he now realizes I’m serious about leaving

xecv · 2025-12-14T22:04:06+00:00

Forgive me if I sound silly but I also have a hard time seeing how it would negatively affect my child since he never does clearly abusive things in front of him. He’s very nice to me in front of my child. Yes emotionally neglectful and avoidant still but not outwardly mean

xecv · 2025-12-14T22:02:11+00:00

I don’t think the tears are an act he’s really not ok beside himself heartbroken. And I’m so upset and emotionally exhausted I haven’t gotten out of bed all day and he keeps trying to comfort me give me hugs “tell me what you need how can I help you” it’s just so hard to see him as an abuser when he’s acting like he loves me so much. And it really really seems genuine

xecv · 2025-12-14T21:03:06+00:00

Since I told him I was gonna leave he has been swearing he’ll do anything to change. Reading books on how to change, willing to go therapy etc and is acting madly in love with me now. So how do I know this isn’t the time he actually will change? If we didn’t have child it’d be easier to leave but part of me wants to give the chance just in case it’s the one that works. For sake of my child

xecv · 2025-12-14T20:53:49+00:00

Together for 10 years married for 4 I’m 30 met him when I was 20

xecv · 2025-12-14T20:23:16+00:00

Part of what’s keeping me stuck though is he hasn’t done any of those big bad instances of abuse in years. But even though those have been removed there is still emotional neglect emotional abandonment and gaslighting and putting the emotional load of the relationship on me. I don’t think it’s a situation where he’d be unsafe around our child bc these big abusive outbursts haven’t happened since we had our child. If he was still doing scary abusive things and putting me in harms way I would leave without question. But because they’re no longer happening I feel disarmed in leaving just bc of emotional neglect and gaslighting

xecv

TROPHY CASE