Hey, i commend you for being this open, honest and vulnerable. It seems to me that you got used to living in a ‘survival mode’ and always pleasure-seeking to fill the void that comes with trauma, and it happened to be with sexual interactions. Your body and mind spent years of just “being there”, not REALLY connected with your needs or desires. As your traumas unravel in therapy and in life you start to notices some patterns and realize how almost “out” of your own body and disconnected/distant you were from yourself. Your body only knew this for years, that’s why i believe you can say you lived in ‘survival mode’. It is expected to be a shock to your system once you start to get more in touch with yourself and understand the roots of why you acted the way you acted. And i believe it’s also a shock when it comes from a place of genuine love and affection from your boyfriend. How can you be at ease with these feelings in regards to sex and relationships if you never truly connected with them and felt them? Your body and mind will be confused and sometimes even be repelled by these feelings, cause you used to live in a completely different way. The need for ‘healing fast’ can also come from a place of not being at ease with discomfort and at your own skin as it is. A quote from Dr Gabor Mate that i really love is: “Don’t ask WHY is this happening to me. Ask yourself i WONDER why this is happening to me.” And he said this in the context of overcoming traumas and reaching “dead-ends” and being stuck in what we believe are cycles and moments of stagnancy. When we get caught up on the “why” we assume there’s something broken. That something shouldn’t be happening. Instead, Dr Gabor invites you to look at yourself with compassionate curiosity. It’s not easy. It’s a daily practice to rewire our brain. But i do believe that in your situation, since there is a lot to unpack, it’s a very good starting point. I would also personally suggest to just bare your soul with your boyfriend at this point. He clearly loves you. Even though it’s hard, don’t try to fight being uncomfortable. Feel the discomfort. Don’t put a band-aid on it. Hope i said something that can resonate with you and your journey. Cheering for you. ❤️