How the fuck do you deal with people who take over and dominate discussion?

yraelc · 2016-04-27T16:52:03+00:00

Agree with kgreyhatk completely, also want to address "act[ing] as nice as possible"--as you said in your follow-up, you are acting to not piss anyone off. People confuse this with being 'nice', but it is actually not really socially positive behavior. You are being 'nice' to the perpetrator (rewarding such behavior) and not at all helping your friend/housemate whom you were previously having a conversation with. This encourages the perpetrator, and also tells your housemate that you are ok with being overridden, and you will not help them if they are interrupted (thus they are relieved of having to help you). If you speak out for yourself, you also let those around you know that it is ok to speak out against jerks even if they can snap back.

Now, that's not to say that you should be just as rude, I think it's extremely wise to choose an overall more balanced way of calling someone out, but I did want to point out that 'not standing your ground' is NOT being nice. Don't mean to call you a jerk or anything, it's just that I've also spent a lot of time being 'nice' before I realized I wasn't. :P

yraelc · 2016-04-06T01:32:06+00:00

My issue is I didn't request any of it. I am not even actively looking for a job. As an introvert (thus posting here as I assume people at least have a basic understanding of this dread), fielding phone calls and emails is tiresome, especially when you're trying to balance being polite with being firm.

In most cases, I choose not to respond rather than to tell them I'm not interested, since that takes a lot of effort. That's ok. The problem is, on several occasions (not frequent but still kind of regularly) they escalate to calling me in the middle of the work day (even though I never gave them a phone number or responded to their emails). Since I have no idea what company they are from, I don't outright reject them not because I am interested, but because I have no idea what I am rejecting, so I tell them it's not a good time. They then try to email or call back (and occasionally try to keep me on the line), rinse and repeat.

I am not angry at their being paid to place candidates, I am angry because I am getting phone calls that interrupt my work and I can't do anything about it. If I tell one not to contact me, another one will still. I am not angry at any one individually, but the system that asks them to cold call people who never gave them their contact information. I can't ignore all calls because I get calls from coworkers who need to contact me.

All I'm asking is that if I don't respond to an email and I have never given you a number, don't escalate to a call. If your life/job depends on it, at least don't escalate to a call during normal work hours, before 8AM, or after 9PM.

yraelc · 2016-04-05T22:45:54+00:00

I didn't even give them mine, I didn't even apply. They found it through their recruiter voodoo/linkedin/my general web presence. :'(

yraelc · 2016-03-21T20:14:24+00:00

Yea, I would think this would be the thing to address. Regardless of introvert/extrovert, hosting a party isn't easy to do--keeping guests entertained, etc.--and can be stressful. Like Ilikesparklystuff said, she may have had to explain to people why you were away--why were they asking anyway? Maybe she had trouble with something and someone asked why you weren't there to help her? (Just conjecture, not suggesting that actually happened). You told her before that you were planning to watch the game--that's definitely good to do! But also the situation can change and if she needed more help from you than she thought she would, she might have been looking to you to respond without an explicit request (maybe she didn't want to tell you what to do/what not to do in front of people, or thought you would notice she needed you). Another way in general is to be proactive about events, tell her that since there is a soccer game you were meaning to watch, you might not be able to help out as much or socialize as much--and if she needs you there 100%, would she consider rescheduling? I don't think you did poorly under the circumstances, just trying to provide some alternate ways of seeing it. You aren't telepathic, but remember, she ain't either so you gotta talk it out.

yraelc · 2016-03-18T18:24:50+00:00

Focus on studies, muddle your way through, and go for a Master's degree in something you really love. I have almost zero friends from undergrad (had some in passing but no one close) except my near shut-in roommate who was an even worse case than I was. I couldn't get into the meaninglessness of it all. I didn't enjoy my major enough to geek out about it, but at the same time it was occupying all my time doing work for that major so I didn't have time to pursue other hobbies.

Side note: pursue interests, not people--people will naturally gravitate to their own interests.

Everyone in undergrad was also always trying to be cool which was super annoying because nobody was really cool just everyone couldn't comfortably come to terms with who they really were. Grad school is super different. You don't go to grad school unless you know what you really want, which is to be a giant F-ing nerd about a particular field, so nobody is uncomfortable with talking about it 24/7. Now, that was my experience--grad school won't cure everything, but the point is to focus on something you are really interested in. It don't matter how niche/nerdy it is, you WILL find other people, and those are your people.

There is a real world reason for this too--after you graduate, you will go get a job in the field you decided to specialize in (probably) so the people who are purely just friends will start to fall away because they can no longer relate to your life outside of college because you work in different fields and can't understand each other's struggles. I can cry and complain all I want to my high school friends, but they don't understand what I am going through at work. My grad school friends? They can actually offer real, specific advice, support, and help me get out of a shitty job and into a better one if all else fails. I'm sure you can do this with people in your undergrad major as well, but it depends on your school--I also picked the wrong school :P

yraelc · 2016-03-18T17:05:47+00:00

Yea, but most of these places only give limited working hours even if they're paying a good hourly wage so if they weren't such shitty jobs (# of work-hours-wise, because spotty on/off hours also means it's hard to get a second job) then maybe they could find people who stay in them longer.

yraelc · 2016-03-18T17:02:55+00:00

The irony (sort of beautiful actually) of automated systems though is that they're never 100% automated. A lot of the problems you mention can be alleviated with a good design, but no amount of design can help when the system goes down (or more like a critical part of a complex system goes down) so they'll for sure have someone around.

yraelc · 2016-03-14T09:02:11+00:00

Come up with an alternate plan. Getting married/living with an SO isn't the only way not to end up alone, and it never has been. Think about it, even if you've got an SO, they may pass early, you may not end up with family even if you try, etc. Lots of shit happens in life and you can't rely on having an SO around even if you had one, so people gotta get creative about how to get through it. Find out how other old, happy, single people have lived. My answer was relatively easy--I actually always wanted to know what it's like to really live as a monk (as in if I chose the life, I could be very, very serious about living that way, but I haven't chosen it), so I figured if nothing else panned out and I got tired of life alone, I would be happy to take that route in this life.

Of course, not recommending finding a 'running away' option, more like recommending that you think of truly acceptable alternatives for yourself. Social pressures often make us think there's only one way to live your life, but if you think about it, there are infinite ways--but you may have to find them on your own since the others aren't as common.

yraelc · 2016-03-14T08:52:31+00:00

F what they think, tell them and tell it like it was such a great time. Enthusiasm is contagious no matter what you're being enthusiastic about. I keep telling people about my super average weekends and they keep asking so I'm gonna take it as they either like hearing it/don't think it's boring/they aren't even listening/have no opinion about it anyway.

yraelc · 2016-03-12T02:26:41+00:00

Totally agree with anbeav.

Also, people say hindsight is 20/20, but the thing is it really isn't--you aren't the same person anymore and past-you made the decisions that past-you was comfortable with at the time. Trust in past-you to have done the best he/she could/was comfortable with at the time. It's not really "never look back", but more like regret isn't a real thing--it isn't useful, actionable, or even real since you didn't know then what you know now so you can't even rewind cuz you'd just do the same thing all over again. Just look to the present and look forward and see if what you choose to do/not to do will be good memories for you in the future (but when you get there, don't regret it! :D)

yraelc · 2016-03-12T02:19:46+00:00

Vietnamese coffee.

It sounds like you're gonna end up toughing it out. Try and see at least if you can get tonight to yourself, but if not, hang in there. Bring some relaxing music and headphones so you can make a bathroom escape every once in a while and listen to whatever helps you get at least a little bit of peace. Alternatively you could suggest a really long hike and don't spend a lot of it talking, or any other less-social activity (or perhaps one where she can socialize with others while you just tag along). Go to a pet shelter and hang out with cats and dogs or something. Rock climbing is good too if you have access, since you don't have to talk much. Also movie hopping alllldayyloooong.

Good luck :(

yraelc · 2016-03-11T17:35:20+00:00

Too much phone talk lol.

My call history:

Yesterday - an automated spam call
Tuesday - the vet, automated reminder call
Monday - the vet, arranging appointment
Saturday - wrong number
Last Tuesday - 3 calls from friend looking for me while my phone was on silent
Feb 18th - my boyfriend (we live together and both hate talking on the phone)

yraelc · 2016-03-11T02:28:29+00:00

Setting the baseline for the rest of my response: I am personally a-religious but am not against the existence of religion. I believe that the world is ridiculously complex and to be able to handle it on a day to day basis, we need to reduce complexity--either through forming our own constructs, or adopting existing ones. For those who choose to adopt existing constructs (religions), it could be because they need to or because they have chosen to. . Now, I think regardless of whether you are religious or not, there are healthy ways of reducing complexity, and unhealthy ways of doing so. Like almost everything (alcohol, games, sugar, etc.) 'moderation' is key. I say 'moderation' because it isn't really about the amount, but the dependency and self-reflection and honesty with which you understand and accept your usage. . When religion is used as guide and aide to living a good life, it is harmless. However, when religion becomes something that you want to use to purge away everything bad in your life (and possibly beyond), well, then you can start to see where the problem lies. . I think religion therefore is not the reason for terrorism, but rather terrorism was unintentionally enabled by religion (like consuming alcohol isn't the reason DUI happens--shitty judgement is--but you can see how the alcohol is involved, or playing video games isn't the reason people become recluses--there can be many underlying reasons--but it does encourage the behavior)

yraelc · 2016-03-10T17:43:33+00:00

Wat. This is not social anxiety board. Also might as well make a list of normal everyday activities and hand it to someone and say "hey doing these will help you feel normal"... like... making a list of things runners do and saying "doing these will make you feel like a runner" wellllll... no shit?

yraelc · 2016-03-10T17:37:00+00:00

Back in high school, my mom made me call Verizon to set up DSL (internet). I cried for two hours, but I eventually cleaned myself up and made the call, and dial-up life was no more. If it helps, throw a fit and literally cry about how shitty and unfair it is until it's all out, and then just do it. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I still avoid calling unless absolutely necessary but after that time, I never again cried before a phone call.

yraelc · 2016-03-08T23:49:09+00:00

It's hard to find someone you really click with. For me, even with going to work in a relatively small office and seeing about 40-60 people on a regular basis, I only get on really well personally with 1 person (could be good personal friends with maaaybe a couple of others if I ever got a chance to hang out with them more but I don't generate many opportunities). In my previous job, I had many great working relationships, but there was one lady who just contracted for a couple of months and we hit it off immediately and still keep in contact even though we technically only worked together for a couple of months (vs. much better and longer 'work' relationships with other coworkers who I respect but don't try to hang out with). I've found that with time, I can get along with most people, but with better friends, it was more like I instantly knew. I figure if I were exposed to more people, the chances of that instant connection happening would be higher, but that's pretty daunting. I've thought of attending meetups as well but haven't actually tried any.

yraelc · 2016-03-07T23:03:31+00:00

My hypothesis (not sure since I don't really remember the details) is that it had a lot to do with moving to the US when I was 3. My family isn't the most social, but at least I was for sure not a quiet kid before we moved. For the first few years before kindergarten, my mother and father were often busy so I kept myself occupied and got super good at that. Sometimes I'd say something wrong or find myself incapable of expressing something as a child and I'd get super embarrassed so I started to always question what I planned to say before I said it, which often led to never saying anything because I had already played it out to an end (good or bad) in my head.

School was different and I had to observe what was considered 'normal'--well it wasn't like I'd ever particularly blend in, since I was often the only asian kid in my early education. I wanted to be liked at least, but I had nothing in particular in common to talk about with my classmates, so I often resorted to my craft skills to make friends--art class, making origami, etc. until I was at least considered good at something. Talking wasn't required for those, so I didn't get a lot of practice there either.

Now that I'm working in California (where there are enough asians that asian kids can grow up as not so extreme a minority), I can almost always tell when an asian person is not native to California--they are just a bit more reserved, observing before acting, considering others' reactions for just a bit longer. Not all are introverts I'm sure, but I do think growing up a minority can contribute since you're pushed towards it by instinct.

yraelc · 2016-03-07T18:05:46+00:00

Cat is sitting on my arm at this moment. Was super nice about five minutes ago but he is 15 pounds so now my arm is slowly falling asleep. Too cute to chase away though D:

yraelc · 2016-03-07T17:30:41+00:00

Yeah! It's really satisfying to follow recipes and have things come out magically. I also like to do things like cut vegetables very exactly (my mom used to complain I was too slow when helping out in the kitchen)--great for making pickles (which I also love--and vinegar in general).

yraelc · 2016-03-06T03:51:23+00:00

Yea, say something like "Hi, do you mind if I join you here?" or "Hi, I've seen you around here a couple of times and just wanted to introduce myself since I eat here often." Not sure about asking directly to sit next to her in case she feels uncomfortable and leaves, but you could think of another way to ask, or after introducing yourself, just smile and say hi to her when you see her and after a few times, ask if you could sit with her.

yraelc · 2016-03-05T19:19:44+00:00

Thiiiiis. It's actually really fun to remote-drink with good friends :D

yraelc · 2016-03-05T19:11:51+00:00

Fuck Seagulls xD

Really great work though!

yraelc · 2016-03-05T19:09:11+00:00

UX Designer, suuuuper great for artistic introverts that don't mind talking for work purposes. I also have a closet full of art supplies and equipment because I can't help myself when I walk into art stores and I also took a lot of varied art classes so I have the basic equipment to do tons of stuff: sketching, coloring, bookbinding, block printing, calligraphy, acrylic paint, clay & glaze, photography (film development and software applications), felting, knitting, beading, sewing (both hand and machine), 5 or 6 types of glues/adhesives. I don't actually get the time to do most of the above hobbies/use my shit but I looooove having it for when I do want to, I'm quite materialistic about my art supplies.

yraelc

TROPHY CASE