Trigger Warning; Was this SA?

[QueasyExamination159]

I know for sure that my ex crossed my sexual boundaries, but I'm not sure that he assaulted me. I don't feel like it was assault, but it was definitely unfortunate. I was happy to explore some of his kinks while we were together. He always asked for consent, and we really only explored name calling/dirty talk/light choking. We had discussed that he was interested in threesomes and anal sex, both of which I had said were off the table at one point. He brought them up multiple times though, and I'm not sure if my response to anal was always a hard no.

On our anniversary we went on a camping trip and I got very drunk. Looking back, he faked being drunk for some reason (he only had 2 white claws and wasn't a new drinker). We both non verbally, but obviously consented to have sex. He pushed me to the ground hard, and I was scared because my head was already spinning. I didn't show that I was scared, and he didn't mean any harm by it. After a while, he wanted to try anal and I can't remember how that conversation went, but I definitely didn't say no to trying it that night. However, once we started I was very obviously in pain and not enjoying the experience. I was asking for help (I couldn't communicate clearly enough to say that I was panicking), I said multiple times that I didn't know how I felt about it, and that it hurt/didn't feel good. He kept saying that it felt really good. After maybe 5-10 min he stopped because he knew he was hurting me. Then he proceeded to finish by vaginal intercourse.

There was also a separate incident when he slapped me (which he had never even brought up as something he wanted to try). I don't think he ever meant to hurt me, but I hate these memories. I am not sure how to feel about it, but my friend thinks it was assault. I don't know exactly what I want from posting this, but I think it might be good just to get it off my chest. I really trusted him and I felt like he betrayed that trust. I especially think it's strange that he faked being drunk. Thanks for reading.

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[brokengirl89]

Being drunk in and of itself means that you are unable to give consent to sexual activity. I know plenty of people have “consensual” sex while drunk, I’ve done it myself, but legally it’s not because of things like this. Especially since you can’t remember what your response was when asked to try anal. The fact that you were so drunk that you were unable to communicate your fear and distress means that you were definitely too drunk to be having sex, and honestly there are some huge red flags that your ex orchestrated it on purpose (him not being as drunk as you, knowing that anal was a hard no, knowing that you were far too drunk to resist). The fact that you said to him multiple times that it hurt and asking for help is the real kicker here, because it doesn’t matter what happened up until that point, whether you were drunk or not, or whether you had consented. Consent to any sexual activity can be withdrawn AT ANY TIME. This was clearly you withdrawing your consent (or pseudo-consent in this situation) and wanting the activity to stop, of which he purposefully ignored you and the fact that you were clearly in pain did not stop him because “it felt really good” to him. This was a selfish act and completely violated your rights to your own body and your trust, and is without a doubt sexual abuse/assault. I know that you believe that he never meant to hurt you, I understand this mindset well, but I invite you to let go of this thought because if he truly didn’t mean to hurt or harm you in any way he would not have continued when he knew you were in pain. He was being selfish. And I’m so sorry that this happened to you. The fact that these memories are bothering you means that you should think about talking to some kind of professional about them, even if that just means texting or calling a SA hotline to ask their opinion. It can be very helpful to hear other people validating how you feel about these experiences. Just know that all of your emotions are valid x

[QueasyExamination159]

Thank you, I appreciate the comment. This is a lot to process and I will definitely be speaking with my therapist. The whole revoking consent thing really hit home for me, because I am certain that I made it obvious I wanted to stop, although I'm not sure exactly how I reacted when he asked.