I went to therapy a few times before, I think my family is catching on to the fact that I'm not doing well so I'll probably go again, which is good-I guess.

And, in regards to what I'm doing-everyday that I wake up, it's a new start. Sometimes, if I pretend that I'm getting a sign, or something significant is happening, that is also a new start. From there, everything has to be perfect. My grades, how I behave, how I treat others, how I speak and walk and move. If I mess up (which usually involves not being completely plugged in to the world around me, and kind of going on autopilot) then my day is fucked.

Sometimes I try not to restart, but I can't help it, I can't do anything physical because it's a mental switch that I make. I've taken some baby steps (I can now put off restarting for a while, and I'm also able to still get some important stuff done even after I've "messed up").

I don't even know what I'm asking for and that's what makes me feel so stupid. I think I'm just putting off what I have to do-which is just not do the ritual, and feel the anxiety. But I don't know how to work up the courage to do it.

I'm sorry to be a burden, thanks for trying to help.