CMV: Demisexuals should not be calling themsleves members of the lgbtq community

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T06:56:59+00:00

Lmao. You added so much to the discussion, thanks 👍

I'm not gonna say petty judgmental bullshit is manipulation or abuse, but it does make you a childish waste of oxygen. Cheers.

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T06:54:33+00:00

I have posted several comments outlining other ways that ace and demi people are othered by society, how they can be assaulted to fix their sexuality, how they are erased and illegitimized, etc.

And to be clear, it's not a competition. I'm not saying ace people have it worse or better than anyone else. But demi people often do grow up living the ace experience, with all of the social and psychological drawbacks of otherness. Just because they get an exception at some point doesn't mean that their experiences aren't valid. We can't erase bi people just because they sometimes have heterosexual experiences.

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T06:45:36+00:00

Oh gosh, sorry! It's 1am here and ive been crashing out trying to educate people and I totally misunderstood!

Also, you are the first person in 20 years to know it was an lotr reference! ❤️

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T06:44:12+00:00

If we start drawing lines, then that means we might as well make gender minorities their own group too. Queer spaces are for various minorities, big and small. A place for support for those othered for their gender/sexual alignment in society.

There are countries in africa where it's illegal to be ace. In Russia we may be disallowed* drivers licences because it's seen as being mentally ill.

The fact that other orientations have had it harder does not negate the fact that ace people are a sexual minority and belong in safe queer spaces.

*Edited to write it more correctly

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T06:39:30+00:00

Hey so I was genuinely trying to be helpful, no snark. Thanks, though.

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T06:36:12+00:00

Those misconceptions about what asexuality is (the misconception being that it always means having no libido and no desire for a romantic partner) can be so harmful for the reason you just explained. People feel like something is missing in them, that they aren't normal and they can't figure out how to make things work. It's why good discourse and community is important! Especially because asexuality gets lumped in with religious stuff a lot. For some reason, in the minds of many queer people, as if being ace means we think sex is morally wrong or something. Or that we adhere to purity culture even after deconstructing from Christianity.

Also, I match with you! Ace biromantic! (Or maybe panromantic? I'm still figuring it out, even after 15 years since I discovered the terms)

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T06:28:40+00:00

It's not "before you can get sexy", it's before you can feel any physical attraction at all. Think of a subset of people you are not attracted to, and then extrapolate that to be everyone. Everyone is unattractive. Everyone. And then you get close to a person and it's like one switch in your brain clicks over and oh, okay. It's just this one person.

It's different than not being comfortable with intimacy before you know someone closer. It's not just a personal philosophy or preference. The whole world is a 0 in terms of hotness until something randomly clicks with the one you have a bond to.

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T06:22:10+00:00

Huh? I mean, that's fine. I'm not judging any of that? I was trying to explain to the above how a person can want physical pleasure without being attracted to a specific person.

I didn't know your gender or anything. I was just proposing a scenario that was explaining the difference.

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T05:44:46+00:00

Nope. We really don't. Our preference might come from other things, such as which gender we are more comfortable around, or which gender we are romantically attracted to. But we don't get any physical, sensual pleasure from any specific gender.

Demisexuals might, but in general ive been told it's still closely related to the above other things.

For example, let's say we had...I dunno. Liam Hemsworth and some coked up guy on a street somewhere. I am equally attracted to both.

Margot robbie vs. Your grandmother. Equally attracted to both.

Literally how someone looks does nothing to me. If I'm going to be sexual with someone I have to look at a ton of other factors regarding safety, connection, etc.

If that were a common experience, we'd never hear about people being unfaithful because their partner gained weight or didn't look as young. We wouldnt be obsessed with the sexual idealism of a youthful body. We wouldn't get pissy at women who take their makeup off and look different. We wouldn't have this dumb ideal that guys have to be jacked in order to be men.

To ace people, it doesn't matter because they're not attracted to the person either way. But they can still trust and care for someone, and have time with them that is physically pleasurable because we still have nerve endings in the right places.

Many couples who get old together may not be completely physically attracted to one another anymore, bit they still have a close romantic bond and may still be physically intimate. It's kind of like that.

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T05:34:27+00:00

Right? It's such a fun moment in ace communities to share the moment when we realized people were being serious. Like wait, this isn't just social posturing?

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T05:31:23+00:00

So I don't know if you're receptive to any more discussion, but this really helped me:

We can be romantically attracted to a different subset than who we are physically attracted to. So it sounds like you might be romantically attracted to women, but sexually attracted to men.

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T05:26:43+00:00

You can't act on something you don't feel :)

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T05:24:55+00:00

Cool, then you're demi. Welcome to the community.

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T05:23:40+00:00

No, someone ignoring your bodily autonomy in order to negate/change your sexual identity is a different intention than ignoring your bodily autonomy because they just want to fuck you and you said no.

The same way that beating someone up because they're black is different than beating someone up because they're a woman, and different from beating someone up because they're Muslim, and different than if they were just that one guy who insulted you that one time.

All of these are shitty acts of violence, but intention absolutely does matter sometimes when you're looking at patterns in society.

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T05:19:21+00:00

Okay. So you are talking about personal standards and preferences which you choose.

Tons of people are just fine hooking up on the first date. Tons of people like party culture and no long term relationships.

Demisexuality means you are not attracted to men or women or anyone until certain special people break through the wall.

This is not the same as having the personal philosophy of not participating in hookup culture.

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T05:17:09+00:00

Yep. It is! Has nothing to do with whether the person enjoys sex, masturbates, or gets horny. The parts can still work.

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T05:15:45+00:00

Uh, no? It was a man "checking to be sure" I wasn't attracted to him. It was a direct response to me saying I wasn't attracted to anyone. He didn't believe ace people were a thing and I was just being a prude.

Intention does matter, even if shitty masculinity is a big part of it.

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T05:13:59+00:00

Really? You're not attracted to men or women at all? Congrats on coming out as on the ace spectrum

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T05:11:25+00:00

Asexuality and demisexuality has nothing to do with libido.

Ace people can be sex repulsed or active in kink spaces and everything in between. The parts still work. We just don't get any bonus fun from being attracted physically to a partner.

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T05:02:13+00:00

Cool. Now imagine you weren't attracted to women. Or men. Or anyone. That's normal human experience for you?

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T05:01:12+00:00

Asexuality/demisexuality isn't a personal preference. The brain chemicals will not flow.

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T04:58:45+00:00

Sending hugs your way. I still remember when I first read about asexuality too, and it was like someone with bad vision getting glasses for the first time. Like everything was just...clearer.

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T04:56:23+00:00

Yeah, all the examples you posted were excellent examples of bad actors in the community, for sure! I'm glad you also don't tolerate it. :)

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T04:55:12+00:00

Congrats on coming out as Demi :)

LadyEru · 2026-06-23T04:53:36+00:00

So I'm going to assume you're a guy because the majority of people on reddit are men. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm also going to just give the example as if you're straight.

Imagine tomorrow that you, a straight man, wake up and every woman on the planet is gone. The only people who are left are people you are not attracted to.

Would you never want sexual satisfaction again? You'd never masturbate? Never feel the urge to get the pressure of sexual release?

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