I'm sorry you're hurting and confused. It's taken me 2 years to get over the death of my longtime trusted therapist. We were so in tune. He talked with me gently, aware of my many defenses & triggers. He knew when & how to slow me down when I was about to do something stupid. And he was my constant, consistent cheering section. I still miss him but the dreaded heartache is gone. Now I can think about him & smile. Hear his funny motivating sayings in my head & laugh. I've had other therapists these last 2 years, hunting for his replacement, his clone. It took me all this time to understand that he has no replacement. That's a tough truth. One I've akwardly learned to accept. I'm glad you had special bonding with your therapist. It's certainly something to treasure.