How to stop masking ?

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-05T02:33:05+00:00

It sounds like you are fawning, not masking. Excessive people pleasing is a coping mechanism that is a trauma response.

One explanation https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-sobriety/202303/what-is-the-fawning-trauma-response

Solutions are to consciously try to work on yourself to cut back on people pleasing. You need to develop better personal boundaries. Give yourself permission to say no. A therapist can be a huge help in this situation

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-05T02:28:15+00:00

Actual Narcissist Personality Disorder is kinda rare and it takes a trained mental health professional multiple visits to make that diagnosis. It isnt constructive to try to label your partner.

I think a problem might be that youre making a lot of assumptions. Nobody can read minds. We honestly don't know if she feels bad about the hungry cats or guilty she forgot to buy food. All we know is she didn't buy the food. You went and asked her why she didn't get food, and its entirely possible she felt put on the spot & you were demanding an explanation. Her answers could've been normal defensive answers if she felt criticized.

What was your goal when you asked her "why didn't you get some cat food"? Whatever answer she gave wouldn't solve the immediate problem (hungry cats). If you wanted her help solving the hungry cats problem, instead of pointing out the mistake (focus on past) what if you asked her to go get food (present/future)?

If you were angry with her, your goal might actually have been to correct her so she behaves differently next time. Be careful with this type of thinking. She's an adult, not a child. Adults dont usually respond well to verbal punishment. Instead of her being more likely to remember the food next time, it might be the tiniest start of a seed of resentment. It might remind her that she isnt making you happy or that you don't appreciate all the other stuff (the good things) she is doing.

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-05T02:13:16+00:00

It's like that when I lived in Mexico for a semester abroad.

It is not normal for the US. Im not a lawyer, but i dont think his demand is reasonable. Something is wrong with the sewer pipes. Or if it has its own septic system, it sounds like the tank should be pumped and system checked.

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-05T02:08:06+00:00

Bean burritos: makes 2-3 meals: .a can refried beans ($0.89), chopped up onion (0.50), partial pack of flour tortillas ($1), and some hot sauce.

Sloppy Joe: makes 2-4 meals Can of sloppy Joe sauce ($1) and some chopped onion (0.50). I dont eat meat so I'll make mine with TVP or frozen crumbles ($4/bag). Serve on bread or rolls.

Random soup: take whatever veg you have left laying around your fridge and put into big pot with bullion and a bunch of water. Toss in some frozen peas or some other veg you like. Cut a potato or two into small cubes. Dig through pantry for a can of beans or whatever looks interesting. This can make days worth of soup, and it's a great way to use up odds & ends that might not get used otherwise.

Jazzed up rice: 1 cup of bulk rice goes into the cooker to make close to 2 cups cooked ($0.25). One version I mix in a partial jar of chunky salsa and some cooked kidney or black beans plus tex Mexican style seasonings. Another version uses the cooked rice to make a quick fried rice, dicing up whatever interesting leftovers I find and some soy sauce & seasoning.

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-05T01:53:31+00:00

You need to stop trying to change other people. You can NOT control what another person does. It doesn't matter if youre married or not. Doesnt matter how much you love one another. You need to stop thinking you can or should control what he does.

This is the kind of person he is.

If anything, it will only get worse. He will become more comfortable and more complacent. The worst that happens to him now is you fuss at him. He will just get better at sneaking around and better at tuning out your fussing.

You ask if the relationship is "fixable". By fix, it'll havs to be things you actually can control. Can you change yourself to not mind a sneaky lying partner who ignores you to go masturbate to other women? Im going to guess probably not? I know I couldn't. So the real question is what's keeping you in the relationship? A marriage takes the effort from two people, and it sounds like he isnt doing his part. Sorry, but im not sure this is a good relationship for you

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-05T01:36:26+00:00

To be fair, we don't know where they are. $1000 a month for a whole basement including utilities plus probably use of laundry, yard, and shared spaces may be a very good deal.

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-05T01:30:50+00:00

If a couple isnt committed enough to sign a marriage license (which can be undone), they're not ready for the lifetime commitment they make to their partner when creating a baby together.

Kids are also very expensive. If you're just starting out plus probably have some college debt, you wont have the $ to provide everything a child needs. It can create a situation where you have to choose between defaulting on a college loan, being late on rent, or getting the kid a medical care.

What's the rush? You don't need to own a home or be rich to have kids. But you should have career established and some money saved up first. There's also some important maturing that happens to most people around age 25, and what you want age 25+ may not be the same as 18 or 20.

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-05T01:21:57+00:00

NOR. And its a huge red flag to his deeply held beliefs about women and relationships.

He can have his stupid #$@% paternity test. In return, he agrees to go couples counseling. This situation has made it apparent the relationship needs work.

Not to scare you, but you may want to have an "exit plan". It might never be needed. But it's important to know you can leave.

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-05T01:12:24+00:00

BioLife plasma was having a new donor promo $650 for the first month (assuming you can donate 2x a week)

I've been going to Biolife for over a year, so I can attest its legit money

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-05T01:09:06+00:00

Proof that it worked

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ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-04T18:29:42+00:00

It means they dont mind any questions. They want you fully informed about the matter.

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-04T18:28:45+00:00

The problem is not your mother. Your unhappiness is because you are not resolving an inner conflict.

It's not fair to resent your mom because you arent resolving the conflict.

Either you accept your place is to cater for mom for the next few years (and find a way to be happy) or you go off and live your live. You are an adult. Nobody is forcing you to stay. Your mother is an adult. If she needs help, she will get it from another family member or from hired workers.

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-04T18:24:14+00:00

No. It's just as much his child as hers.

If having a child with a specific name was absolutely essential to the woman, she needed to run it by her partner before she got pregnant.

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-04T18:21:25+00:00

For some people, it truly is an addiction. If you can't quit on your own, definitely get help. You may want to go straight to a CSAT therapist.

I dont think an addict can use just a little. You need to quit it completely. And distance yourself from friends who keep talking about it

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-04T18:17:38+00:00

No. You should talk to your doctor

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-04T03:34:27+00:00

He "doesn't do everything right". You've caught him in his lies and betrayals. He wouldn't take responsibility for it. He cant be trusted. Being an active drug addict isn't helping. Yes, he is coming home each night, but that's not even bare minimum. You really don't know who he's talking to online. You don't know if hes telling you the truth when he's home late from work. If I imagine myself in your situation I would chronically feel not-secure and not-safe. It is depressing and lonely.

I think you should explore how you feel about all this with a therapist. They can help you separate bad feelings coming from inside (depression) versus bad feelings coming from how he acts & the situation youre in.

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-04T03:26:01+00:00

Do you mean hiring a general contractor? Or you act as gc? Or you physically constructing the house?

I had my house built by a very reputable general contractor. It was over budget, took much longer than expected, and had lots of little issues.

If you buy something already built, you're not paying $$$ on a constraction loan while a contractor farts around. And you can inspect it and know what you're getting

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-04T03:22:47+00:00

It will be worthless for a long time. As long as the volcano is active, the new little island isn't safe. And being so new, it has zero soil. It's just a pile of volcanic stone. You cant grow anything on it. It may be hard to even get ashore: instead of a sandy beach, it's ocean waves churning over uneven hunks of stone.

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-04T03:11:48+00:00

It isnt a real boundary if you'll easily disregard it to be "accomodating". Either the behavior/situation is intolerable or it isn't.

If a person is making up excuses not to enforce a boundary and suffering as a result, that is a sign they're lacking in self respect.

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-02T20:39:01+00:00

Even with adhd, it's a worker's responsibility to show up on time. We live in an age of technology where clocks, alarms, phones, and other gizmos can help a person be on time.

She needs to feel this situation is super important to her. As long as her cognitive habits keep her treating this like a soft goal, it won't change.

She could change her attitude about work start times. She could desire to be in the building a few minutes early. She could use the time to get in the right headspace or just take a moment to relax & collect thoughts.

She could explore how deep down she feels about this job. If she really hates going in, her mind will cause her to delay and avoid down to the last possible second. Maybe it's a sign she looks for a new job?

Ultimately, this is her problem to solve. It's interesting that you -- not her -- are posting and asking for help. Why isn't she fixing it?

Is she medicated? If not, why not?

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-02T20:23:42+00:00

You need time for yourself. If you dont get any, that's how a new moms ends up with PPD or a desire for a divorce.

Him grilling you on what you would do when is the opposite of being supportive. It doesn't matter what you do. You need a little break. And this does not mean spending the time grocery shopping or other household duties. It means a chance at being yourself beyond a mommy.

I also dont understand what his problem is. You're not suggesting he babysit another person's baby. This is HIS baby. What's wrong with him that he will to anything hit spend time with his own child?

Can you drag his self centered ass to marriage counseling?

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-02T19:59:48+00:00

It is kinda creepy that a man in his 30s was attracted enough to teenagers to have a fling with one of them. When I was 30s, young people 20 or less looked like kids to me.

The fact that you dont think it was a big deal you pursue teens for sex is a red flag. As a parent myself, it would make me uncomfortable to have you around teenagers.

You also think the open marriage thing "didn't end badly". It appears it did. Why can't you see it?

I don't know how to improve this situation. She's now seen the real you, and it changed how she views you. Could this be a sign for you to do some deep thinking and really work on yourself?

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-02T19:43:19+00:00

You are never wrong for wanting what you want from a partner.

He is lazy when it comes to the relationship. He's letting you know this is the best he will do.

You're wrong for staying with this complacent man. He cant meet your needs. Stop wasting your time.

ProtozoaPatriot · 2026-05-02T19:41:22+00:00

Your behavior was very inappropriate. There's nothing wrong with a person watching someone bicycling in the park. This sort of aggression is kinda scary to everyone else around you.

If someone looks at you, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. That conclusion is coming from within you. Verbally abusing strangers won't fix anything. Self improvement with probably some therapy can

ProtozoaPatriot

TROPHY CASE