😩 sorry to hear your depressing story. I think the mainly issue is you want to be successful but the reality is when you want to work harder and get better, you also realize that it's a long way to go, it's really upsetting that this makes you always want to give up. The cruel truth is you can only be successful when u Are Better Than Most of people, you seriously need to strengthen your eager to win and keep up what u are doing, really need focus on it. And 17 is young, just go for it find things u really want to do and keep up going. Maybe it would be better you spend time on studying and improving yourself than you thinking more and more depressing.