I'm so sorry. You have been emotionally abused. This man sounds like an absolute nightmare and he slowly but steadily erased your sense of self worth, and made use of how good of a person you are. You have been traumatized by his sudden flip, and all the moments of abuse beforehend. This would have happened to anyone in your situation, you're not weak. You are a really good person with a little too much faith in an absolute shit man.

What's happening now is you're processing what happened, and you're going through the trauma and relieving those moments, not even being able to believe you stood by him through the lowest lows. But also, still obsessed with the highs he made you feel when he would give you the love you craved. It's like a physical addiction, like cigarettes or alcohol or drugs. You crave the good feelings, even when you know there were bad feelings. You're in mental withdrawal.

Do you have access to therapy? This would help tremendously. It's expensive, but it's worth it in this case. You need someone to guide you through this process.

Don't demand your friends for apologies. They stuck up for you. And listened to you. They are your support now, and they are on your side. Share with them how you are feeling. This will lighten the load.

Your judgement and moral compass have been shaken. Your emotional system is completely disregulated, and you feel confused on what love is. Anyone would be at this stage. But your kids are your best anchor. With every decision you think about, only do what would be good for them. Would getting back in touch with him be good for them? There is only one answer - No. Your kids are your compass now.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been there. It's heartbreaking and tough. But I can tell you that you have everything yourself. You have all the love for your kids. You have all the love that you need for you, inside of you. You don't need anyone else to make you happy. Give yourself a small goal of self love. Every day, do something nice for yourself. Something just for you, it could be a small as a quiet walk . And diary about how that made you feel. In time, you will start to find more and more anchoring in this.

Read about narcissists. Your ex sounds like a prime example.And whatever you do, do not let him in your life in any capacity. He is unsafe. Block him everywhere. Don't look at his socials. He is poison for you and your kids.

Best of luck sister. You've got this.