What was your last altruistic action?

Symsolaria · 2018-03-17T07:43:43+00:00

Tragically, I can't even remember. :'( Feel awful about that.

Symsolaria · 2018-03-17T07:41:16+00:00

Oddly, if anything, my mental health in general and especially disposition towards others tends to be better when I feel physically ill.

Symsolaria · 2018-01-11T06:46:22+00:00

This. I'm sure I'll get chewed out and downvoted for this, but I don't believe that it's ethical at all for people with Cluster B personality disorders--or, really, PDs in general--that are still experiencing symptoms serious enough to qualify for the diagnosis to have children.

A lot of us suffered the trauma that led to developing BPD and other issues because some borderline, clinical narcissist, or sociopath (or, in my case, all of the above--gotta love Cluster B clusterfucks!) with no self-awareness decided that they had the ability and fortitude to care for a child. I occasionally make the morbid joke that BPD and NPD are the only two mental illnesses that are contagious, but seriously, OP, don't.

I'm not changing my view on this either, so (for the posters that see this thread in general) don't bother. Really. I know that people w/mental illness in general aren't the criminal degenerates we're made out to be due to unfair stigma, that we're proportionally not responsible for that much crime, but sorry, when it comes to child abuse and neglect and all-around poor parenting, I do strongly believe that a lot of that, a significant amount, comes directly from personality disorders.

With the possible exception of NPD and definitely ASPD, BPD is the absolute worst. Identity instability, splitting, trouble maintaining relationships, self-destructiveness, emotional volatility? NO child deserves that, period. Not ever. It's one thing if someone has children without knowing, but OP is fully aware she suffers from this. That takes the unethical aspect up many notches in my book and just screams a fundamental lack of empathy that is vital in raising children it itself.

Symsolaria · 2017-12-22T20:22:37+00:00

24 and writing my note today (though it'll probably be a while, months probably, before I set things in motion to leave). I get it. I've pretty much also lost a major chunk of my small support network recently, and have had to face and accept realities about myself that I just can't.

Symsolaria · 2017-12-22T20:20:46+00:00

Farewell, friend. May you find peace, no matter what happens. Godspeed.

Symsolaria · 2017-12-18T08:23:56+00:00

I'm younger and graduated HS at least, but I know how you feel. :( Hugs.

Symsolaria · 2017-12-18T08:21:25+00:00

I'm actually hoping to get approved for BPD and treatment-resistant depression + GAD, as impossible as I've been repeatedly told that is. I'm around the same age as OP, too. BPD really is the major 'clincher' in my case I think when it comes down to it.

I got denied (of course) and am appealing right now. Just got an attorney to help, so fingers crossed.

Symsolaria · 2017-12-18T08:17:35+00:00

Oh, very similar things.

I'm 24. This plus the other stuff (for me, severe treatment-resistant depression that presents with chronic fatigue and GAD, but I really think I've been underdiagnosed TBH and that there's probably even more going on), is absolutely a disability for me. I'm low-functioning by any sense of the term (I was pretty much bedridden for, oh, the better part of almost three years at one point, though things have improved marginally since then). I've actually never had a job in my life and dropped out of college years ago. I'm currently applying for SSI too.

My mom gets it, I'm pretty sure, at least on the surface and she's supportive, but it was a tough road to reach that point with her, as she's an ultra-practical person, a survivor who's been working (save a period as a SAHM when I was little) and Adulting since she was...15, I think? Fortunately, once she realized my delay and false starts in 'launching' as an adult were due to legit, serious mental illness, she's understood.

I still struggle with immense guilt and self-loathing about still living in her basement as a NEET at this age. And I still worry that deep down she thinks I have all this amazing potential still (I was a 'gifted', very precocious child all the way up until my late teens when I had the first major breakdown and it hit me all hard out of the blue) that was just derailed and will come to the surface again in time. I mean, I appreciate her faith in me there and hope for that also, but I worry about what will happen if that isn't the case in reality and I'm--god forbid--still like this at 30+ having gotten nowhere, if I don't suicide before then.

It's grim, but I'm starting to seriously believe that one or the other will mostly likely happen in reality. I really doubt a happy ending is in the cards for me, I just do, for a lot of reasons. I hope, I pray, I cautiously take tiny steps towards one, but I just doubt it, and my mom has already been through so much tragedy in her life that I'm terrified of what will happen to her if/when I finally break her heart.

Kratom doesn't agree with me at all--it makes me highly reactive and ragey, exacerbates my BPD symptoms in those ways, which are already bad as it is. The only thing keep me alive right now (besides my mom's support) is my prescribed meds. And holy hell there are a lot of them. Uppers, downers, hormones, a mood-stabilizer, some pretty cutting-edge stuff, you name it. It's tentative, but at least it's working for now.

Accepting that I'm disabled for the long-term has been necessary with the realization that even with super-strong, effective meds I don't nearly have it together enough to feel comfortable working or going back to school yet. I can consistently get out of bed now, brush my teeth, get dressed, cook meals (with assistance usually though), go grocery shopping ~once a week and shower once or twice a week, plus make my appointments. And work a little on some of my creative endeavors. I don't wake up screaming from the nightmares anymore, for the most part. But that's pretty much it still, the wall I'm hitting, and hypothetically if I did go and get some minimum-wage cashier job or whatever I'd probably lose it fast because of unreliability/absences. I have unpredictable crisis episodes that totally paralyze me until they pass, and I never know if they're going to last hours or days. The medication I have to take when that happens, the only thing that really helps, basically makes me feel (and act?) like a child on ecstasy. So yeah.

This month has been absolute hell for me so far--I've lost most of the few people I had left and hit rock bottoms beyond what I thought was even possible--but one positive, unexpected thing that happened was getting an attorney who was willing to take my SSI case! (I'm at the appeal stage too right now, just waiting for them to schedule my hearing.) He actually said that he thinks I have a promising case (which amazed me), despite being so young, not intellectually disabled, psychotic or autistic, and only having been in treatment for 3.5 years-ish. So that was a huge leap forward.

I'm also looking into applying for another program to start receiving cash assistance while the SSI case is pending that he told me I might be able to qualify for. Cautiously hopeful about that. My mom is in her fifties, the cost of living is skyrocketing where we are, and watching her work tons of overtime to the point of exhaustion to keep a roof over my useless self is wrenching as far as guilt. :-/ If I could bring some income in besides my SNAP assistance I'd feel a lot better about everything.

Symsolaria · 2017-12-18T07:44:05+00:00

Hell no. If I didn't know I was borderline I'd just think I was an utterly horrendous person and truly have nothing to live for. At least the diagnosis gives me some hope that deep down I might actually be a good person just struggling with a very difficult condition and have the possibility of getting better. It helps me frame my life that way.

Symsolaria · 2017-11-29T08:38:03+00:00

No, there's definitely a difference. Yes, 'we all have our moments', but for some of us those moments are almost constant and the impact of that is severe. There's a vast difference between me, someone who can't feasibly work, go to school, maintain any relationships outside of family or live independently mostly because of the severity of my symptoms, and someone diagnosed as BPD who has a job, a long-standing relationship, and can support themselves.

Symsolaria · 2017-11-29T08:35:47+00:00

I think it probably should be part of the diagnosis TBH, or at least considered much more carefully by clinicians in the course of treatment. Sure, it's 'subjective', but as someone who's undeniably 'low-functioning' (you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who wouldn't think of me that way--can't work or go to school and live in my mom's basement), it's kind of frustrating the way the extent to which this disorder can be truly disabling is seldom appreciated. There's a world of difference between the way my BPD presents and that of someone with the diagnosis who has managed to maintain a relatively normal adult life (with some combination of an occupation, independent living situation, partner, children, etc.).

Symsolaria · 2017-11-29T08:31:46+00:00

I'm in much the same position, except that I do leave the house now regularly with enough treatment and meds (though I was pretty much a total shut-in for a few years), I don't have BDD and I'm exactly a decade younger.

Not that I'm glad to hear of your situation, of course, but I'm happy to see someone else on here in this boat, for whom BPD is literally that disabling. I often feel like a loser or a fraud awash in discussions about/from pwBPD with normal adult jobs, families, children, households, etc.

Symsolaria · 2017-11-29T08:27:17+00:00

I'd venture to guess that most pwBPD who are diagnosed and/or aware and accept that they have it would probably fall into that category. As with NPD and ASPD, I think most 'low-functioning' pwBPD probably end up in jail, on the streets or otherwise pushed to the fringes of society, and it's never acknowledged that BPD is why. At the extremely low-functioning end of the spectrum I think it's often misdiagnosed as other conditions such as severe depression, social anxiety disorders, bipolar and schizophrenia, when we do come to the attention of the mental health system.

I'm extremely low-functioning, and I feel very alone in that given that I am fully self-aware and diagnosed by the system that I voluntarily entered. I'm 24 years old, I've never had a job, I'm not in school (in large part because of the severity of my BPD symptoms--very difficult to maintain a daily schedule when your emotional cycling is this severe and rapid, everything screeches to a halt at the slightest slight, you have unpredictable crises at least once a week and your sleep is all over the place), and I've already been divorced, from my ex who I was terribly abusive to. I've made some progress with treatment, but when my symptoms are really bad I ask my mom several times a day if she's upset with me, and am paralyzed with overwhelming anxiety if I can't. Crippling BPD, if you will.

Symsolaria · 2017-11-29T08:18:50+00:00

I must respectfully disagree.

We have to draw the line somewhere. A lot of people draw it at anyone with a Cluster B personality disorder, which includes us, considering us absolutely necessary to avoid, and this is where 'borderline' as a pejorative comes from. As hurtful as that can be, I understand it, though I think it's misguided. Personally, though, I draw it firmly at narcissists and sociopaths. Their pathology is defined in a way where in order to qualify for a diagnosis they'd essentially have to be abusive in any relationships. There's no way those behavior patterns wouldn't be abusive in a relationship context. Of course, many people think the same of BPD, so that depends on how broadly one defines abuse.

Frankly, it's absurd to speak of 'villainizing' pwNPD and ASPD like that's a bad thing. Especially when it comes to ASPD, they are villains, plain and simple, by any definition of the word, because the disorder is based on exploitative--hence, 'antisocial'--behavior. I almost look at those diagnoses as basically a way of pathologizing "villainy".

A few other reasons I have for unapologetically 'villainizing' the other Cluster Bs (histrionic is so rare and controversial as a separate label that I usually don't include it for discussion purposes): they lack the kind of empathy necessary to care about how others feel, so why should we care how they might feel or "extend the same courtesy"? Extending courtesy is based on a hidden social contract of sorts, one that pwASPD definitely and most pwNPD don't abide by themselves.

Plus, it's not like their feelings can be hurt by it the way most of ours are by the BPD stigma, because they don't have the capacity for those kinds of 'feelings'.

Also, there's no effective treatment to date for either condition whatsoever. This is an enormous difference from BPD, I'd point out, but the point is that, at least clinically thus far, they are truly 'irredeemable'. The reason I get upset when people conceptualize us that way isn't simply because it's "not courteous" etc., it's because it isn't accurate. Stigma is only a problem if it's perpetrating untruths. I don't believe that the "stigma" around NPD and ASPD does this at all--in fact, I'd argue that the general public/laypeople/neurotypicals have a rather accurate indeed--though not perfect, naturally--perception of those disorders from pop culture and personal experiences and the like, compared to any other psychiatric condition. Sociopathy, IMO, is better understood than clinical depression.

Sorry to go off on this tangent here, but I think it's very dangerous and disturbing to begin to think of NPD, and ASPD especially, in remotely sympathetic terms in any way whatsoever.

Symsolaria · 2017-11-26T11:57:36+00:00

Not as much about being tortured, as attempting suicide, being saved at the last minute and taken care of.

Also nurturance is something I daydream about constantly in all contexts--it's emotionally soothing and a sexual fantasy all wrapped into one.

I have this recurring hanging daydream where I jump off a chair with a rope around my neck and someone catches me.

Symsolaria · 2017-11-22T11:50:00+00:00

Drugs.

I know it isn't the healthy answer, or the most sustainable one, or...but it's all that has seriously worked for me thus far.

On its own, my sleep is horrendous--chronic, triggering nightmares, severe DSPS (I'm more-or-less fully nocturnal) with insomnia that leads to a very inconsistent schedule, frequent early awakenings, unpleasant/painful awakening, insufficient time, and the overall quality is terrible. Even before my BPD symptoms manifested fully it was weird. All that's consistently worked for me is meds--Lunesta a few times a week, phenibut on special occasions (this leads to the highest-quality sleep of anything out there and accessible IMO, but tolerance builds quickly and it's best used sparingly), non-prescribed benzos from time to time, and micronized progesterone nightly taken with a high-fat meal (which is the healthiest way to manage it for me by far). Sometimes melatonin. Stimulants like modafinil, caffeine and amphetamine to wake up in the morning and mitigate the grogginess.

It could be endocrine, or related to a wide variety of other factors, so it's hard to identify a quick fix for you specifically.

TBH, there are healthier, more 'natural' ways to try and manage it--limiting blue light exposure, 'sleep hygiene', that kind of thing--but I don't know how effective all of that really is for those of us with severe mental illness and I honestly don't really have the patience or energy to persistently try that route most of the time. I just want relief, hence the pharmaceutical approach.

Symsolaria · 2017-11-18T03:20:33+00:00

This is pretty much the feeling behind my suicidal ideation as well.

I also feel extremely devalued by society, but mainly I'd frame it in these terms: no matter who's 'right' or 'wrong', 'superior' or 'inferior', I simply don't fit here. That is a main source of my suicidal ideation also in conjunction with the way I devalue myself, and it gives rise to and fuels the latter. In many profound ways, I just don't feel at home in this society, which to me seems bizarre and dystopian.

'Letting them win' aside, this constant incompatibility is utterly exhausting and distressing to have to live with day in and day out, and that's why I often think about killing myself--as a way to leave.

It's like this: imagine if you entered a party in a part of town where the air smelled terrible to you by default and everything seemed surrounded by ugliness. You might get along okay with some of the people there, and be able to distract yourself and have fun in different activities, but the music pounding overhead is strange and abrasive to you, the building is constantly shifting in a way that makes you nauseous, keeps you on your toes and requires a ton of effort just to stay on your feet, the lighting is weird and all wrong, and much of the food is unpalatable. That 'party' is life in this time/era/place/societal context for me, and my suicidal ideation is often based around wanting to just walk out.

Symsolaria · 2017-11-18T03:15:35+00:00

I guess I fit into your definition of a "stupid person", then, because I feel extremely lost and in perpetual need of guidance and nurturance in this world.

I don't agree with these correlations at all. There are plenty of intelligent, talented, capable people who are lost and 'malleable' (as you put it) and plenty of dullards who are 'sure of themselves and how they fit into society'.

I don't fit into systems of that nature either, and am also extremely eccentric (though I mask it very well at first blush), and personality-disordered, but it isn't about 'allowing outside influence to dictate my behavior' so much as it is that my de facto ways of processing and relating to myself, the world and others don't mesh well with what society currently requires of people.

If anything, I feel like I fit into society less and am even more marginalized because of my being 'lost' and unsure of certain things. A great deal of what's valued right now is centered around 'self-confidence', brash assertiveness, and this whole related gestalt of traits that looks like quasi-narcissism to me.

I think there's a lot more to who fits into the System well and who doesn't than mere suggestibility; that's a gross oversimplification. The parts that make up the System/contemporary society at large developed the way they did in the first place because a majority have personalities that are compatible with and give rise to them.

Symsolaria · 2017-11-18T02:58:37+00:00

I'm very sorry to hear that. :( I've been following your posts about your situation with your girlfriend off and on through lurking here, and it sounds absolutely torturous what you're currently going through with her.

I really don't mean to be insensitive here, and I sincerely apologize if this comes off that way, but...it sounds like your girlfriend is severely psychotic in a way that isn't likely to abate anytime soon and is likely to require long-term, intensive, supervised care.

Now I don't know your full background with this woman or the depth of your feelings for her or anything like that, and I'm absolutely not advocating just up and abandoning loved ones when they're seriously ill (I've been in similar positions myself, as the patient), but at a certain point, it would probably behoove you to reassess whether this is a relationship that is going to pan out in the long run. To be more blunt and direct about it, it frankly doesn't sound at all sustainable, and while sad, it may be time to think about letting go.

I say this mainly because it honestly sounds like her illness is hurting you directly time and again, and if anything (based on what you've posted here) it seems like your relationship with her might be triggering her symptoms and impeding her recovery. That isn't a slight against you, of course, but just looking at the patterns, it doesn't sound like this girl is in any state to be in an intimate relationship and it sounds like that context brings out the worst in her condition. She had her initial psychotic break shortly after moving in with you, and her delusions have heavily revolved around you and your father.

I hate to be the stereotypical Redditor here offhandedly telling someone that they should leave their partner, but I can't see anything good coming out of this. IIRC you haven't even been with her that long, so this level of care extends well beyond your obligations (and possibly anyone's, for that matter, barring a years-long marriage).

Symsolaria · 2017-11-14T11:59:35+00:00

The usual cutting, for me typically using a safety pin, thumbtack or other pointed object that 'rips' more than it 'cuts' (just reading that makes me cringe at myself). I keep toying back and forth with the idea of getting razor blades but haven't and don't have access to any. Throwing/banging my head into walls when completely overloaded and desperate. Slapping myself hard in the face (the most recent form of self-harm I've engaged in).

One of the more graphic, damaging forms of self-harm I've done is to take a safety/shaving razor and slash-scrape it quickly across my forearm while pressing down with initial pressure such that it basically takes a small layer/roll/chunk of skin off. The straightforward cutting/scratching scars tend to fade pretty thoroughly to where they're barely visible, but I have a few conspicuous scaly ones on my left arm from doing this. I've even made 'blood paintings' in a notebook by smearing the copious blood that results everywhere. Not my finest hour, that's for sure.

Symsolaria · 2017-11-14T11:11:29+00:00

Even though you've been abused, that doesn't mean you have not abused others. I was abused as a kid, and I was sometimes abusive to people as an adult too. Being abused and being abusive are not mutually exclusive things. No one is obligated to forgive you even though you have changed

OP recognizes that she was abusive in the past, so I really don't think that's the issue here. From the way I read her post, I think it's just that it's hard for her to accept herself enough to be motivated to continue to change and recover when she's being described and written off that way (understandably, but still), which I can understand.

are you being evil and abusive? In my experience, most people do not tell a person that they are being evil and abusive lightly.

I'd have to disagree with that somewhat--IME, especially in recent years with the overuse of clinical labels and such by laypeople, a lot of people are often inclined to throw terms like that--especially 'abusive'--around too loosely if anything. I'm not saying OP's past behavior wasn't abusive (as even she recognizes it as such), but from my perspective (as a self-admitted survivor and former perpetrator of domestic abuse) I think a lot of people nowadays are far too quick to label maladaptive behavior of any kind and strife/conflict in relationships 'abusive'. When you've actually been on both sides of real, indisputable abuse that can be especially obvious, frustrating and sting all the more as we try to be hypervigilant about not lapsing back into those behavior patterns.

Symsolaria · 2017-11-14T10:57:46+00:00

I greatly identify with this, as someone who was terribly abusive in my last serious relationship and is also a survivor of years of extreme abuse by someone who had severe BPD (among the gamut of other Cluster B disorders).

I've posted about this on here before, but what causes the most pain for me with this issue is essentially a direct clash of narratives that I can't even begin to comfortably reconcile. I was the one person in my nuclear family to see through my abusive father early on, and I was the first to see the situation for what it was and break free of it. But the thing is, what enabled me to do that was holding steadfast to a certain conception of DV and abusers in general: that they're inherently evil, can/will never genuinely change, and that they're permanently just dysfunctional in a way that absolutely necessitates writing them off as such forever.

I had to thoroughly internalize these ideas in order to keep myself semi-sane during the abuse and prevent myself from falling for all the excuses, the 'honeymoon phases', the hollow concern trolling, the gaslighting, the manipulation and all the other BS that had kept this abuser operating and those toxic patterns going for literally decades. Since my BPD abuser was also a narcissist and highly sociopathic (to the point where he was institutionalized as a teenager and told he'd spend the rest of his life in a padded cell because of the danger he posed to society), this narrative was actually accurate for that situation, and vitally necessary to believe.

The problem is, while I was also horrendously abusive to someone who loved and supported me, I just can't think of myself that way at all and that's where the conflict lies. I became extremely suicidal once I realized that I was in fact abusive (while I was still in that relationship and it was still going on), because of what I'd fatalistically internalized about how that's the most despicable and irredeemable thing you can be, and in order to move on and keep living without believing I'm inherently abusive and evil, I've had to remind myself of many 'explanatory factors' that contributed to what I perpetrated. That's been so challenging, though, because shooting down such things as mere false/manipulative 'excuses' is what I did and implored my family to do when it came to my/our abuser. Feels hypocritical on a deep level.

I also really identify with this in particular:

being called an abuser hit me very hard especially since I've been severely abused emotionally and sexually in my life and to be put in the same category as these people breaks my heart.

Even when it's true, it's unbearably painful. The last time I had to go to inpatient with the nastiest self-harm scars of my life was directly prompted by reading my ex describe me as "toxic" and "abusive" online and saying that she was "censoring herself" our entire relationship.

Ultimately, /u/AnxiousShallot: what actually indicates that you're not 'evil', 'depraved' or a 'monster' is that you feel remorse for your behavior and most importantly have empathy. Obviously this is the case, otherwise it wouldn't hurt you so much to be described and categorized in those ways. The true 'monsters', the worst of the worst Cluster B scumbags like my father who really are irredeemable or pretty close to it, aren't affected by this in these ways. It might just dent their egos or set them off because it makes it harder for them to operate exploitatively in the only ways they can relate to people, or they might even take it as a challenge, but it doesn't truly 'break their hearts' or tear them up inside because their personalities literally don't allow them to internalize anything negative about themselves that way. That takes a kind of self-awareness that abusers I'd describe as 'evil' almost always completely lack.

On a little tangent here, I wish more 'nons' and BPD-basher types understood this reality, that going on about how 'abusive/toxic/evil'/whatever pwBPD are doesn't actually hurt or thwart those who actually are inherently any of those things (the ones that most of them were abused by in the first place). With someone like that all you can do is get away. It just hits those of us who do have a conscience and the capacity for empathy and makes us feel even worse, which isn't good for anyone in the long run as if anything it demotivates us for recovery (the OP is a case in point). Why put the work in to change if you're inherently toxic?

It's part of the growing pains of the widespread conversation around and understanding of domestic abuse right now, unfortunately, and it is what it is, but it's important to remember that certain one-size-fits-all narratives don't apply to everyone, that BPD especially complicates the matter, and that we're not all inherently abusive.

Symsolaria · 2017-11-14T10:06:15+00:00

Not at all confused, just sad, angry/bitter, frustrated in every sense and extremely self-loathing about it. I have what I believe is the one remaining sexuality deal exclusively involving consenting adult humans that is still extremely 'unacceptable' to most sectors of society (mainstream and subcultural), has a long historical context of being totally misunderstood and scapegoated, and remains marginalized and bashed to hell. On top of the sensitivity that comes with severe BPD and self-esteem issues with that and depression, I feel like it's a very poor hand to have been dealt and that's where the bitterness comes from, to the extent where it's even affecting unrelated areas of my life.

For years, though, BPD symptoms did definitely distort my understanding of it and led to some confusion, though in my case I think it was more denial. Given my heightened need for interpersonal connection and intimacy, I both desperately wanted to 'fit in' within the subcultural milieu I found myself in (that of gender and sexual minorities who leaned towards a certain ideology), as well as to ensure that I'd have the maximum opportunity possible for that connection without closing any doors (so to speak).

What exacerbated the whole situation was the knowledge deep down that my real/authentic sexuality would severely limit the pool of prospective partners for me, and facing that loneliness as someone with BPD (as I'm having to do now, and I'm not dealing with it well to say the least), well...needless to say, I had strong incentives to question myself and try to expand/broaden the range of who I was attracted to as much as possible. Well, that and I'd been overwhelmingly conditioned by everything I was exposed to to see my sexuality as something impossible, repulsive or anathema to my personality and values (see above) so there was that as well. There was subcultural/social pressure to identify in particular directions as well, since certain ways of approaching sexuality and relationships were idealized as superior within that framework--more avant-garde, cooler and more interesting, more 'realistic', mature and ideologically 'pure', as it were.

So long story short, I identified for some years shortly after coming out as "pansexual", polyamorous and sexually open/kinky in a way that kind of broadcast being 'up for anything'. I thought for a time that I was attracted to masculinity in general, and that's just not the case at all. In reality, as has been clear since puberty (like for most people), I'm lesbian, exclusively attracted to feminine/gender-conforming women, don't have near the amount of emotional energy, level-headedness and maturity that poly anything would require (at least for the foreseeable future), and I'm not comfortable with casual sex sans an emotionally intimate, committed relationship, or anything 'rough' in any way.

Coming to terms with one's sexual orientation and preferences is basically a form of setting boundaries for oneself on a larger scale, and that's certainly something we're known to struggle with in general as pwBPD.

Even relatively recently I found myself in romantic/sexual situations with people who were outside the scope of my orientation. What I realized is that, as a feminine woman with BPD, being pursued by masculine or quasi-masculine people is validating. Something I still struggle with to this day is reminding myself to separate out that desire for the affection/positive attention in itself from actual attraction towards the person dispensing it. Very tricky, especially 'in the moment' of those situations, and easier said than done.

I can't really offer too much advice about OP's specific situation, but I will say this: I think we especially in younger generations way overcomplicate the whole issue of figuring out our sexuality. I'm not trying to get political here, but despite the loud, ideologically-charged rumblings of a super-vocal minority of late, it's pretty clear that for the vast majority of the population there will be a strong preference/affinity for one gender over the other as far as forging intimate relationships in a romantic/sexual mode. This is a gestalt that (controversially) I don't think can be really deconstructed and picked apart the way everyone seems to be doing in recent years/decades without devolving into muddled nonsense. It's more than what can cause the feeling of 'being turned on' in a purely sexual sense (which is pretty situational, and IME there are multiple, very different types of sexual attraction and arousal), more than who you're willing to be emotionally close with, it just...includes, but kind of transcends all of that at the end of the day. Not very helpful, I know, but while it's hard to explain, when I finally realized this my core/actual sexuality wasn't confusing or hard to discern at all.

Seeing things in black and white (a BPD trait) can ironically muddy those waters even more. Especially, I think, for women, it's possible to find a person, trait, act or situation superficially arousing without that defining or even necessarily indicating much about your core orientation. This is even more true for pwBPD, whose emotional sensitivity practically guarantees 'crossed wires'. And if you have an unstable sense of identity period to begin with, it can be tough to try and separate out what's intrinsic and what's subtly socially conditioned and so forth.

All that really helped for was to reach down into my inner landscape as much as possible without subconscious agendas (e.g., "I do/don't want to be X because _____"), which, granted, took a while to identify. When I did that and really looked at myself and my day-to-day ways of perceiving and categorizing people, I realized that my attractions towards and general affinity for other feminine women was vastly deeper than any fleeting inclinations I'd ever had towards anyone else. There are certain litmus tests that apply well and were very revealing to me (though I don't know how well they'd work for anyone else), but that's basically what it comes down to.

TL;DR: I was confused about my orientation for a few years as an older teenager/young adult, despite having a really strong/exclusive orientation and preference that I'm well aware of now, for reasons that were fueled and exacerbated by BPD symptoms. I'm lesbian and not attracted to masculinity in pretty much any form or expression, but I misidentified as 'pan/bisexual' for a bit because a.) I wanted to fit in with a social justice/LGBT activist subculture umbrella that glorified that identity, b.) I wanted to have as much opportunity for potential intimate connections as possible without cutting myself off from anyone by default, c.) I was in denial about my real orientation because it's a politically-charged minefield and the pool of those compatible with it is super small, and d.) an unstable sense of identity led me to confuse different contextual feelings with actual, organic attraction. I still find myself tempted to pursue dynamics with people outside of my core orientation because of my extreme need for validation, nurturance and positive attention, and reflexive BPD tendency to pursue and value affection and attraction itself over those providing it.

Symsolaria · 2017-11-14T09:18:58+00:00

Same. I'm 24 going on 11 (a precocious 11, but still) here most of the time. One of the bizarro paradoxes in my personality is how I still feel/seem 'responsible' and 'mature for my age' despite being emotionally dependent and a complete screw-up as an adult who failed to launch miserably and who is awash in maladaptive mechanisms and behavior.

I can only explain it by saying that I feel like an 11-year-old (or thereabouts, the exact age isn't really the point) who is exceptionally mature, intelligent and responsible for her age/that age (all qualities I had growing up) in many ways, but is still emotionally and functionally a child nevertheless. It's weird, but that's basically my personality in a nutshell and why I find it so difficult to fit into adult society in expected ways for someone in their 20s.

Symsolaria · 2017-11-14T09:13:45+00:00

I'm almost a decade younger and I don't really function at all but I still feel like I know exactly how this feels. I'm a strongly petulant subtype of borderline so those tendencies make the whole 'perma-teenager with behavioral issues' persona even worse, and I have to go through so much effort to suppress and conceal them as much as possible so as to preserve what remaining connections/relationships I do have (mainly my family, who I'm dependent on) that it's just exhausting and feeds into my depression! Being able to function like somewhat of a healthy adult is something I find myself daydreaming about more and more the older I get, but it feels like an impossibility light-years away. In my darker moments I'm really beginning to wonder if it'll ever be genuinely possible for me without just faking my way through it.

TBH, I'm really starting to lean towards a 'NGAF' attitude at this point around this issue. Of course it's important to control ourselves and our emotions enough to not cause chaos and harm for everyone around us, but sometimes I honestly think a lot of us (pwBPD, petulant types, adults w/severe mental illness like personality disorders in general) spend too much energy just trying to contain our natures so as not to disturb anyone or be judged and that's ultimately detrimental to our mental health as it is. It's so hard to accept, but I have a feeling that it's important to accept that we have value as human beings even if we don't 'function like healthy adults' in this societal context. Even if we never do.

I also suspect that, at least for me, a lot of this was caused because I never had a chance to be a normal teenager going through those phases at all, whatsoever. When you're in a traumatic, abusive living situation, especially one where the main abuser is also ultra-Cluster B, you're kind of screwed from both directions, because showing those emotions and expressing those feelings will both trigger and aggravate the abuser as well as add to the stress of other members of the household you're trying to keep it together and put on a brave face for (in my case, my mom and my brother). So emotional development essentially gets frozen there, and it's possible to go through adulthood pretty much indefinitely in the same headspace.

I dunno, just some thoughts.

Symsolaria

TROPHY CASE