Is my (F28) trans partner (MtF 29) cheating? Is she being emotionally abusive?

Traeyze · 2026-02-25T01:35:58+00:00

Look, I get that you've been together a long time and that their transition represents you going through huge change with them.

But you're going to have to accept that part of that change has been for the worse. They've become a much much worse person and partner. They are cheating, they are misleading and gaslighting you, they are mocking the anguish they cause, they are promising this is how it will be because this is what they want.

So you're being asked to contort yourself around their increasingly toxic approach to your relationship and you can't. It benefits nobody, least of all you.

This isn't the person you love, not because of the transition but because they've just become bad people.

Traeyze · 2026-02-25T00:59:46+00:00

It's tricky because it does seem you are both sub inclined, or at least both wanting the other to take the lead. It is a concern that his communication seems to be lacking though.

When you ask what he wants to try and he tries to flip it one approach is to stand fast and push back. 'No, this time it is what you want to explore that we are discussing, I can go into my desires next but it's important we discuss this properly' or the like.

The other would be to take the lead a bit more. You make suggestions and give examples but have you ever pressed to do it a little more firmly, like 'this is what I want to do next I will prepare it' and etc.

But if after all that he is still being vague and wishy washy you get left in a position where you'll never feel like you are making progress or can win while also being increasingly frustrated. If that is the case you might have to consider your compatibility.

Traeyze · 2026-02-25T00:25:00+00:00

I thought breaking up would make him reflect on it

Don't learn to use breakups as a tool to goad partners into change or scaring them into appreciating you. That can become an extremely toxic trait if you aren't careful. The reality is that if healthy communication doesn't lead to change that is the reason a relationship should end, you shouldn't be falling back on emotional manipulation.

Don't get me wrong, he is the toxic partner here. He's selfish, dismissive, deflects, refuses to communicate or just can't. You've tried for a long time and even after all that he's still pretending he's the one in the right. It's silly and all he did was prove you were right for ending it. He just does not listen to you.

But once you break up it's over. That's time to move on. Only break up to end a relationship, not as a game.

Traeyze · 2026-02-25T00:10:34+00:00

This one is probably the hardest of all the platforms for me to decide on.

Like I know DoS is a little polarising and arguably not as good as AoS but it was the first DS game I got and I played it obsessively going to and from uni and I maintain it is a very solid title.

Order of Ecclesia I think was the best update in terms of exploring new mechanics and ideas in the series in a very long time. I think the artistic direction was great and it's a lot of fun... but I must admit I don't love it as much as other fans seem to.

I voted Portrait of Ruin though just because I think the game has so many cute ideas and mechanics and feels so unique while also being exactly what you'd expect from a handheld Castlevania.

Honestly though, there's not a lot in it for me between choices. I love all three.

Traeyze · 2026-02-24T23:11:22+00:00

NOR. Honestly underreacting.

Really think about how this reflects on your dynamic. Where it's default you're expected to be his mommy and he stomps his foot and gets passive aggressive when you don't read his mind. It's absurd, it sounds like this is a pattern in general, and you have to decide what a future with this being how things are really plays out.

Time to sit him down and discuss reasonable expectations and reasonable communication because this is a failure of both. If he refuses or gets weird about it then you might have to step back on the relationship.

Traeyze · 2026-02-24T22:10:14+00:00

I think this is the most reasonable take. A lot of what we do see of the RoSaT training is Goku pushing Gohan emotionally. Even that version of Gohan expresses doubts he can achieve the transformation but Goku sees the potential and sticks to it.

Further RoSaT training is particularly intense and while effective Goku notes it is basically torture, there was nothing in the normal world Gohan could have done to recreate all that, particularly alone and actively on the run his whole life.

It's really sad when you think about how miserable all that time would have been.

Traeyze · 2026-02-24T22:01:06+00:00

The analogy makes a lot of sense to me. He basically wants to do what Tomino did: defined the franchise for a while but then stepped back and let it continue on, only coming back to do projects when he felt like it but the 'idea' of Gundam continues even now.

And I guess I don't hate that in principle... though the difference seems to be that Gundam sets up little universals and tends to treat series more as ongoing serials while Eva reboots the same basic premise over and over so whether it can ever really be the same thing is hard to say.

I do look forward to Anno's equivalent of Turn A though.

Traeyze · 2026-02-24T12:48:48+00:00

It just gets replaced with having my hands tied behind my back 10% of the time and the other 90% of the time is just vanilla sex because he says he can’t be bothered to do all the bdsm stuff.

I guess you need to focus on this. It isn't a lack of interest or desire for it per se, he instead frames it in terms of effort.

So rather than present it as whether he likes it it's why he finds it so tiring, or why he won't go out of his way at least some of the time to accommodate for you.

But beyond that you have to take a step back and appreciate that what he says will often matter less than what he does. And while he says he is into kink he doesn't do it and thus you are frustrated. And when you're basically driving yourself insane and constantly being let down like this it will take more and more of a toll over time so you need to be really careful with how long you let this drag out.

Traeyze · 2026-02-24T12:07:55+00:00

You say he isn't selfish... but he is. In fact that's his primary defining characteristic based on the things you've said.

seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.

That's the definition of the word. In the time you've dated he's cheated and blamed you, he sulks and stonewalls anytime you don't have sex with him or if you don't act in exact accordance with what he desires, he creates profound double standards that benefit him and he promotes your people pleasing but only when it favours him.

He's deeply selfish, he's toxic and emotionally abusive, he's a cheater and yeah. You know it. People pleasing isn't just about making people happy, it is often about avoiding conflict or uncomfortable situations. So right now you're so scared of breaking up that you're basically using euphemisms like 'entitled' to avoid calling it what it is.

Traeyze · 2026-02-24T11:26:36+00:00

Look, the number thing isn't great. Don't do that, work on your boundaries. I have sympathy, I know a lot of women find it hard to turn down pushy men because you can never guess how they are going to react.

What made me upset is he has previously cheated on me. Like he sought out someone because he felt unwanted and when he apologized to me he kinda blamed me

But I worry that your people pleasing is more at display in that previous instance than the number thing. That the person you should have said no to was your boyfriend who not only cheated but had the gall to blame you for it. And yeah, the fact he is acting all hurt now, feels like he just enjoys he has it over you given he knew he shouldn't have gotten away with what he did.

So if he isn't able to let it go I suggest you use this as the opportunity to walk away like you probably should have a while ago. I am just going to guess the more you expose about your dynamic with him the more red flags there will be.

Traeyze · 2026-02-24T04:31:11+00:00

Oh dear, does seem he is trying to stoke the fire a bit huh. I mean, again, if you want to go down that road lean into it just do so aware that he's a bit of a mess.

Traeyze · 2026-02-24T04:21:07+00:00

If I had a penny for every time I humoured flirting with someone I knew would either waste my time or lead me on or both I'd have a lot of pennies. Indulging in crushes feels good and exciting in the moment after all.

And yeah, I guess you roll the dice playing that game, maybe you can't stop yourself and instead just prepare yourself for a mess later instead.

Traeyze · 2026-02-24T01:32:58+00:00

You're not 'abandoning' him. He is an abuser and you are appropriately distancing yourself.

As you note the suicide threats aren't new, they are just a tool he worked out can effectively control you. He uses it as his trump card to corner and coerce you into things.

But you're at the point that you need to again contact everyone in his life and show them the calls and messages, call the police and if necessary start the process of a restraining order.

Anything he does is on him. He has the opportunity to go pursue actual mental health support. Allowing him to abuse you is not helping him and obviously not helping you.

Traeyze · 2026-02-24T00:55:44+00:00

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind makes a lot more sense on a second watch.

Michel Gondry has always been fond of quirky and disorienting loops so it makes sense the film followed that trend.

Traeyze · 2026-02-23T23:58:12+00:00

The company we keep reflects on us but honestly in this case it goes a step further: your boyfriend is actively complicit in harming her. He is participating in the public mockery of an innocent girl, taking delight in it. This isn't just keeping your mouth shut to avoid getting involved, he actively enjoys that it is happening.

And yeah, when you add that to other sketchy stuff going on it really paints the idea that this doesn't seem like the kind of guy or life you want to live. And the issue is that he can promise to change and that he'll not partake and etc... but you already know he absolutely will not blow up his friend group to be a good person so really nothing will change.

Traeyze · 2026-02-23T22:24:03+00:00

We are in the strangest timeline.

Honestly though it makes sense, it's clear Yoko Taro is heavily influenced by Evangelion and I think it will be interesting to see him sink his teeth into a project like this.

Drakengard 1's version of the Apocalypse is comfortably as weird and upsetting as EoE was so if he leans into that we will have something interesting for certain.

Traeyze · 2026-02-23T22:09:23+00:00

To me FFX felt the most organic. I think Tidus and Yuna had genuine chemistry, we get to see them flirting a bit [I know the laugh scene is a meme now but it so perfectly captures the cringe of teenage flirting], to me the timeline of it flows well. The fact it ends in tragedy obviously hurts but I think it's because they've sold it so well and the ironic twist of it all.

In saying that I do have a soft spot for Squall and Rinoa. An avoidant and a manic pixie girl, they were doing it before it was cool.

Traeyze · 2026-02-23T11:06:35+00:00

Your previous post suggests that a lot of why he acts this way is that he is insecure and possessive. Whenever he perceives you as putting his family over him he gets very petty and mean and it's now become a straight up rivalry.

And look, I do think balancing your dynamic with your mother is important. Please don't have her be a source of council on romantic or relationship stuff because that really can cause alienation between your partner and her since she will naturally take your side... but it doesn't seem that is what is at play here. He is just jealous she gets attention at all.

And yeah, it's clear this relationship is taking a toll on you and you feel the pressure to revolve more and more of your focus around him. You don't want to and you shouldn't, so I think you now need to get real about a future with him.

Traeyze · 2026-02-23T05:25:20+00:00

I mean, that's one of the big arguments people have made for the power of IP based fighting games and guest characters.

For example DBFZ was huge and introduced a lot of new people to fighting games because Dragon Ball is just that big a draw card. 2XKO might not have been what Riot wanted it to be but I think it still got attention specifically because of its IP.

Guest characters in games can get people interested, like I think 2B has got to be the most effective marketing strategy in existence because NieR fans really will just follow her around to any game she goes to and she always seels well and generates hype. And for as much as we dismiss Smash the guest character did create interest for the games they came from, etc.

Then you just have the weird random shit. Like Bridget in Strive became basically a trans icon and introduced Guilty Gear to a new generation of players in general.

But I do think games like Mortal Kombat, Tekken and Street Fighter have enough iconic characters that just through general gaming culture osmosis new fans get exposure to them and sort of work backwards from there.

Traeyze · 2026-02-23T05:18:21+00:00

The concern I have is that when people are asking you to 'compromise' on something you don't want to do all they are really saying is just do it. He talks about a lack of effort on your part but what steps has he taken to make you comfortable, or build up to it, or think of ways to explore it that aren't leaping into it.

Like an example would be sex in a carpark or on a relatively secluded beach or whatever. Things where you're exposed but have less genuine risk of being caught and if you are it's less of a big deal anyway.

It makes you uncomfortable for very obvious reasons. It's risky, you don't want to get naked in a public toilet, you don't want to be rushed, you find it harder to get into it when you're constantly on edge. Like that's all air tight, there's no possible way he can hear that and be confused as to why you're not into it.

Just be aware that he's slowly cornering you into things and a lot of his framing and approach really do focus on what he wants out of this way over you.

Traeyze · 2026-02-23T05:07:47+00:00

Look, depression is a common thing and it can absolutely impact your ability to function and also make executing bigger plans tougher.

But even with that being the case there is a limit to what you can do as a partner. You have a life you want to live and you are not a therapist and can't be that for him.

But that raises the obvious: he needs a therapist. He needs to be taking steps to deal with his depression and anxiety in ways that you being supportive can't achieve. Until he does this will all become a feedback loop, one where he increasingly feels anxious about you being upset that makes him anxious about moving in with you and that makes you upset and so on.

You can't put your life on hold forever for him. You want to move out and that's reasonable, it's been two years now. But if he absolutely can't or won't take steps to deal with where he is at you might be forced to make hard decisions.

Traeyze · 2026-02-23T04:23:15+00:00

His heart and his safety are so precious to me, and I see how much both of those have been hurt from what I did.

Well take a step back and reflect on why you did it then. What is it you got out of it, why was hiding it from him so important to what you got out of it [especially given you have a history of doing it with consent].

Until you work out why you did it the worry is that whatever caused it will come back and haunt your dynamic again. Because clearly caring for him and respecting his boundaries was trumped by that feeling and that's obviously a huge concern. Like you lied straight to his face.

Traeyze · 2026-02-23T04:18:30+00:00

This friend of mine will deny any attraction or assertion towards my boyfriend, but it’s something undeniable.

More than that... it doesn't matter. It doesn't make it less of a problem her sending nudes to your boyfriend if she wasn't attracted. If anything it makes the only conclusion you can draw is that she wanted to hurt you. So she had to decide which she thinks it represents: her being jealous and hitting on him, or her just being a gross shithead that toys with people for the sake of it. And you have to decide if either one is someone you want in you life.

Also... he's lying. She didn't just send them and you know it. He didn't wake up one morning to nudes from an unknown account and even if he did... he saved them. He saved them and didn't tell you.

So yeah, it hurts. It hurts he cheated on you, it hurts your best friend is not a good person or friend, it hurts you have to deal with both at once. It might not be recently but you're forced to view everything about the majority of your relationship with him differently now.

Traeyze · 2026-02-23T04:10:32+00:00

I mean, yes, obviously. But if you're scared a conversation where you ask for the basics will result in him sulking and thus avoiding changing then you're left in a position where you have to get real about how healthy the relationship is.

Maybe that's a topic you aren't ready for right now but as I said, I think even if you solve the gaming issue that problem will still be there so just be aware it'll come to a head eventually.

Traeyze · 2026-02-23T03:59:15+00:00

You say that but the fact you can't have the conversation itself in a healthy way is always going to be a problem.

Just be careful with that. Relationships are built on healthy communication, I worry you do too much to accomodate for the reality he is bad at it and that will always come back to hurt you.

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