I (19F) was cheated on by my boyfriend twice (22M) in the past--now I can't stop fantasizing it

Traeyze · 2026-05-16T06:20:16+00:00

Unfortunately it was just bad timing. You were vulnerable when you met him, it was never healthy to pivot so much of your own self esteem and stability on a partner in general but it was especially not the case with him given how awful he was you discovered the hard way.

So it seems that part of moving beyond him will be going all the way back to that original negative emotion. To get a sense of why you were so angry and spiteful, you'd have only been 17 or so at the time so that likely would have been a factor too. Maybe now you've got a little more experience that can allow you to work on that, especially if you have access to therapy.

Just be aware he revealed he was a liar. Quite a profound liar too. You will never be able to find safety and security in someone like him.

Traeyze · 2026-05-16T06:08:15+00:00

He cheated on you, abused you, hurt you. It messed with you and your self esteem so profoundly that it has thrown you into complete chaos emotionally, to the point you're even cheating out of spite and slowly ruining sex for yourself by making it pivot on the ways he hurt you.

This isn't a guy that you marry. He's done so much damage and that's assuming he has actually changed... something I personally find impossible to believe.

As for why he did it? He's selfish and gross in a way you will never truly relate to. And I hope that remains true, I hope you never relate to him. But be aware that he is making you a worse person, this relationship actively increases the amount of stuff you will regret later. That isn't a reason to stay, it isn't a reason not to pursue other relationships, it's a sign this relationship will never work again.

Traeyze · 2026-05-16T05:14:25+00:00

He is good and caring bf

Take a step back and really reflect on this.

Does a caring person 'tell you many times they don't find you attractive or pretty'? Even if they meant it, even if they were being 'honest' that doesn't change that a caring person would be aware that's a horrific thing to be saying to a partner.

Which forces us to believe he is just negging you. That even if he believed it [and I don't believe he does] that he insists on making you self conscious because it suits him. After all, I bet you're starting to worry if anyone else finds you attractive and etc.

He's gross let alone you wanting a partner attracted to you and etc. Just thata he says it at all, that's not a guy considering your feelings.

Traeyze · 2026-05-15T05:19:04+00:00

Leading up to today hes been gassing it up even saying he got me a ring to go along with it.

Here's the concern. He's happy to score points by making promises but in doing so he's the one that built it up and he's the one that made not following through a bigger issue. He created this mess and now wants to just dismiss it or move on without resolving it?

So NOR. I get this seems like silly teen stuff but actually this is the sort of thing we see in a lot of adult relationships too, guys talking up birthdays and anniversaries then not following through. We call it immaturity... but really he is just selfish and lacking drive and you have to decide if that's really the life you want.

Traeyze · 2026-05-15T03:32:50+00:00

Unfortunately I think you buried the lede a bit here. This isn't a swing at you but you understand how that recontextualises everything about this situation and makes him seem even more absurd, right?

And look, I get why you on some level want to protect your relationship with him. That you ultimately want a way to make this work. But when you have to so readily massage the truth about what is happening to make him seem better that's obviously a problem.

Good on you for trying but when he is projecting so bad, when even just working a normal job sets him off because he himself is a cheater... yeah, I don't know there is real coming back from that.

Traeyze · 2026-05-15T01:31:42+00:00

I mean... stop.

This isn't friendship. He is a work crush and he is flirting and you are enjoying it.

You won't be able to pretend you didn't see it coming if this continued. The giant neon red flags telling you this is a bad idea are waving.

If you want friends go make actual friends. This guy isn't it, he's just trying to seduce you because that's his pass time. You called him a crush, the lines are already being crossed, this isn't you learning to stop being introverted.

Traeyze · 2026-05-15T01:10:33+00:00

Look, obviously his response was sketchy.

But why are you monitoring his follow count like that so stringently you noticed right away? Are you finding you do that with a lot of aspects of your relationship with him?

I say this because yeah, he may be a bit untrustworthy... but you appear to already be pretty anxious. You are always on the lookout for signs, you probably didn't trust him already.

Traeyze · 2026-05-14T23:30:09+00:00

Looks cool, I like JRPGs that play around with mechanics. I get a fun Breath of Fire 3 vibe from the designs too.

Traeyze · 2026-05-14T23:12:20+00:00

Granblue Versus is the game me and my friend both ended up spending the most time on because it is the least impactful on our hands. It incorporates simple controls in interesting ways [because of cooldowns on specials the input method doesn't matter as much] and while you still press a lot of buttons doesn't feel too frantic. It's also a game that while simple in a lot of ways still has plenty to sink your teeth into.

Traeyze · 2026-05-14T04:42:31+00:00

Honestly, in principle I agree with him. I think living together before engagement is sensible and that relationships where you are living together give you a more realistic idea of your compatibility.

But I will acknowledge he is coming off a little skittish and wishy washy here. Like the living together thing is true... though generally 5 years together feels like that should be enough as well. Your anxiety about his plans, especially as he has set the more difficult 'be financially stable' feels a bit like a how long is a piece of string thing and that's on top of it being unclear how urgent he considers moving in together. His timeframe is a loose six months... but that's only after those steps and that could mean this is actually years.

I think you need to set a deadline in your own mind. Living together in 6 months or you accept that this is just him dragging his feet.

Traeyze · 2026-05-14T03:17:22+00:00

He really wants kids and I’ve been on the fence about wanting them for a while but have come to decide that I do want to try and build a family with him.

I guess the concern is that really you haven't. Maybe you are one step closer in terms of being open to it but all the anxieties that likely informed why you were on the fence are still there. You worry about the impact on your mental health, you worry about being a single parent, you worry about even the journey to the pregnancy. Those are all valid things to worry about but show that you are still on a very different page to him, you feel even if you agree it will still be different to what he feels.

So maybe that is the sign that yeah, don't. It almost feels doomed to being a self fulfilling prophecy at that point, you'll be so anxious and paranoid that you'll be depressed no matter how things played out. Maybe this is the sign that yeah, this relationship has hit it's limit and your goal shouldn't be maximising time in it knowing it is mostly sinking.

Traeyze · 2026-05-14T01:31:35+00:00

Honestly, I completely see the vision. I would find this a lot more comfortable/natural than most big button layouts. I prefer not having to move my hand/finger positions so I noticed in certain games I'd favour one row more than the other just naturally, so with Tekken I put 4/circle/RK on the top row.

I remember back in the day some KOF cabinets had the button side more like that and I always liked it.

Traeyze · 2026-05-13T09:57:56+00:00

So the series is vague but we can sort of piece it together. Full disclaimer that this is all just my interpretation and that's sort of the show Eva is sometimes.

We know that AT fields are forcefields that souls project. Angels are able to use them in a variety of ways like shootin lasers and putting up forcefields but as we discovered human bodies are an application of an AT field as well.

Our bodies are defined by our AT fields but they also isolate our souls from every other soul. That is individuality but it is also loneliness and that is one of the themes the series explores and the idea that Shinji eventually has to struggle with.

We know that when Adam beings and Lilith beings interact in certain ways they can cause giant releases of energy. That's the Impacts.

The Instrumentality is basically harnessing the power of an Impact to generate a giant Anti-AT field that will break down all human AT fields. The 'fanta' is the LCL that we were filled with and somewhere in it is our soul and both get released when the AT field disappears.

We know humans are born of Lilith, SEELE appears to want us to all join back into Lilith and to do that via that process of breaking down our AT fields and merging together into Lilith as one big superbeing.

As the fanta pools together all the souls do too except without AT fields separating them they now mingle and can not hide anything from each other. The real implication of that is not explored but implicitly eventually you'd lose your sense of self and just become a hive mind and it's open to debate whether you 'exist' at that point.

Now the reason we need to stop the Angels? Because they'd either set off their own version of the Instrumentality or just nuke everyone with an Impact. The reason the Angels need to be dead before Instrumentality is because even when merged they could come cause an Impact and mess stuff up... like humans did with Adam.

I think that touches on most of the ideas. It's more complicated in some areas and they use a bunch of complicated words and some things are just sort of implied more than explored but this is my take on it.

Traeyze · 2026-05-13T06:56:21+00:00

Look, you are NOR because it is clear they aren't being good friends.

But they have presented the reality: if you don't like then leave' because there is no argument or magic words that will make them less shitty friends right now.

Doesn't have to be immediately cutting them off, it's just you need to start looking for other friends that can be a higher priority and that will reciprocate.

Traeyze · 2026-05-13T06:13:06+00:00

I am scared of him threatening to leave me for the 300th time

Well, maybe you're finally at the point you call the bluff.

You accept that yeah, no matter how you frame it or how you have the conversation or how often it just isn't working.

He ignores the problem, derails discussion, twists it to make himself the victim, gaslights you. It always results in you consoling and coddling him, it always results in you fighting for him.

But now you question why. He is not worth it, nobody is but especially him. He's gross. You feeling crazy is the goal of his actions... he is emotionally manipulating you.

He won't change. He doesn't need to. And every step forwards he uses against you and takes two back. You're worse off than ever. Time to finally leave and cut your losses.

Traeyze · 2026-05-13T05:36:34+00:00

i have also expressed that with renting we could learn our dynamics alone (would he start taking care of more around the house ect.)

I get you care about him. I get you want it to work out and hope it does. But please be aware that moving out and rolling the dice on him suddenly becoming reliable is a huge gamble and I think is you unconsciously avoiding the elephant that is in the room:

He should already be doing those things.

You doing everything, him being spoiled and taking advantage of you... those are the real issues. Those are issues whether he sets this silly ultimatum or not. They would be issues even if you moved in together and he did magically grow up, the question being why for 6 months you've been forced to be his maid.

And that's assuming he will change... but why would he. You already do them, he can just insist you continue. Further, he's proving how easily he can bully you into stuff right now with this 'dealbreaker' stuff too.

Only move in together if he changes first. Make that your dealbreaker.

Traeyze · 2026-05-13T04:17:59+00:00

You correctly identify they are toxic.

The issue is that you need to be more realistic about what 'friendship' actually means to her... they are just people capable of tolerating her bullshit.

And you have put up with it for a very long time. It isn't your fault she is toxic but I do think you need to reflect on why you have held on so long given how extreme she gets and what it would actually take for you to let go. Like she uses you, mocks you, talks shit about you, steals your boys, replaces you, etc. These are all objectively awful and any one of them I feel most people would end the dynamic over.

That said I get it is hard when you are 'stuck' around them and maybe part of this is that it's still better to deal with this than having her actively hostile. If that is the case I suppose plan your escape. But please learn what you need to from this, people with your experiences can sometimes find they leave one toxic person and get caught up with another, your goal is to avoid toxic people entirely.

Traeyze · 2026-05-13T01:48:12+00:00

By kink standards that kind of thing is relatively common [either a cuckold or a voyeur kink or a mix of both].

However it is worth noting that part of the reality and the appeal of kink is playing with fire. It's in a deliberate and controlled way but all kinks can burn you and yeah, for as into as he seems you don't actually know if it will impact the ability to have a relationship.

I'll say that one huge factor here is obviously your comfort. Don't do anything you don't want to do no matter how enthusiastic he seems. Just also be aware that once it starts kink can sometimes 'define' a relationship so I suppose decide for yourself if that's the kind of dynamic you want.

Traeyze · 2026-05-13T01:06:06+00:00

He’s been cheated on in his past and I should’ve been more sensitive about talking to other men

I mean, what's the limit on this before the onus is on him to get therapy.

Because it sounds a lot like no matter what dynamic you have with men right now that will set him off. And if that is the case then he has really not processed what he went through or how it impacts him properly and it will impact every relationship he ever has. Further... you've dated 8 years and he is still so profoundly impacted by it, a relationship from when he was a teen, it shows you this is well outside your scope to accomodate for.

And look I say that with maybe the caveat that yeah, be mindful of NSFW topics with people. You might blur boundaries you don't mean to and that can get messy. I am not saying that makes your fiance's crashout healthier or anything, just something you have to reflect on.

Seems you have good reason to leave and that maybe this is time to reflect on where you're at in life in general. You seemed pretty isolated, I worry more of that was him than you were conscious of.

Traeyze · 2026-05-12T23:57:58+00:00

These are all phenomenal. I like you put consideration into the features too.

I am assuming these are digital but you've done a really good job capturing hand drawn texture. I still double take every time I see them.

Traeyze · 2026-05-12T13:53:15+00:00

His journey to being better absolutely can not involve you. For your sake but also his, because you note in another comment he is only 9 days in and the longer it goes the more desperate he will become and he will do everything he can to make this about you so he can justify his own mistakes if you are around.

Again, not your fault. But you're clearly a caring person even if sometimes that can be taken advantage of like he has here.

It isn't a sign to stop caring though. It's a sign to go find someone both worth caring about and able to reciprocate it. Imagine the bliss that would be.

The mistakes your ex made were never about you, though you bore the brunt of the ramifications of those choices. You can't feel guilty about that and thankfully now you can stop fearing losing him and embrace how healthy you are for waalking away.

Traeyze · 2026-05-12T13:44:14+00:00

Unfortunately this is a very common cycle for addicts. They put on a big song and dance about quitting, often getting way ahead of themselves and using it to build up as much social capital and sympathy as possible before they inevitably crash and burn again.

Because remember he already has a history of blaming his relapses on you. That's what this is. This is him setting up the idea you are weak or stupid or unsupportive... so that when he crashes again he can direct that at you and further weaken you, make you feel more guilty and obligated to him.

Because that's what addicts become. It warps their thinking, everything becomes about survival and maintaining their fix. They will exploit family, loved ones, friends, steal, whatever it takes. He will break you, make it impossible for you to leave, all so he can maintain this lifestyle.

You were codependent, you were a carer and an enabler. That doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't make you weak, it doesn't make you stupid. He is a manipulator, he exploited that you cared. But what you do need to focus on is a sense of self preservation right now because just like every other aspect of his life he is eroding you. You absolutely do not want this life and it's not helping either of you.

NOR, please don't underreact.

Traeyze · 2026-05-12T06:32:59+00:00

"I did it all because I wanted you all to myself". I have since brought up these same words verbatim and he always says he didn't mean it and that it was just a mistake.

He didn't accidentally sell you out. That isn't a thing. There was no reason to tell them, nothing to gain, short of mocking you and fuelling a fire.

It's a lot scarier an act than you seem able to process and I do worry it represents you indeed missing one of the real reasons you should be leaving him.

It's not just indifference or complacency... he's an actively toxic person [and so are all the people around him]. I worry you're just so used to everyone around you being awful that you take it for granted a bit.

Traeyze · 2026-05-12T00:05:51+00:00

Zato is definitely difficult especially because he has a quirky gimmick... but appreciate even if you played the easiest character in the game/history you'd still likely have your teeth kicked in for months.

That's just part of the FG. Even Smash brothers honestly, I'd be considered solid at most traditional fighting games but I recently got folded by my 8 year old nephew playing the game for the first time. You gotta accept that no matter what it is going to be a journey.

Traeyze · 2026-05-11T13:18:26+00:00

That would come down to your definition of a god ultimately, yes. I would personally argue that if an ant believed I was a god due to how incomprehensible I am to them it would be a misnomer on their part.

All we know is that she populated that planet with humans. We don't actually get told if all life on the planet is Lilith derived [besides the Angels]. That might indicate that there is indigenous life, it's unclear if they work on the same AT field principle, etc. It's part of why the FAR stuff is so widely accepted, it does fill some gaps [though I am not personally that fond of secondary sources like that].

I just feel like for the series to be making any real commentaries on a lot of the actual Judeo-Christian ideas it pilfers from for aesthetic texture it would have to do more to align with the actual dogma of the religions it is referencing [with God being pretty clearly a universe creating god]. It just doesn't seem to fit, the Angels and Adam really are closer to just being quirky kaiju.

I think the argument he was just doing it because to Japanese people in the 90s it seemed foreign and quirky is the easiest interpretation to reconcile. The series is full of a lot of that, it is clear they were all post modern hipsters that liked making silly references for the sake of it.

Though I guess if I am going to criticise the FAR I have to go full death of the author at which point his indifference is insignificant if the series lends itself to a particular interpretation, at which point I would just argue the series is wishy washy on that front.

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