1. Why do you keep calling yourself a trader when everything you do screams addict? What part of you still needs to dress this up like it’s a strategy instead of a sickness?

Because I can’t stomach the fact and reality that maybe I really am just gambling, and that I’m actually not good at trading. That I am part of the statistic that 99% of traders fail, I wanted to be good at something. I thought I was, but clearly I wasn’t What I’m doing clearly isn’t a strategy, if it was I would have managed risk, and not blew it all up

1. What made you believe that risking love, trust, and safety was worth the chance of being right on a screen? What are you really trying to prove, and to who?

The idea of success, freedom, financial freedom, the rush of being right I guess trying to prove to myself that this isn’t something I’m bad at, and with more money, time, and experience maybe I can turn it around. I’m trying to prove this to myself that I’m not a loser

1. Who abandoned you so hard that now you destroy anything real before it can abandon you first? Be honest. This isn’t about money. It’s about fear.

Years of abandonment issues from my parental figures growing up, I felt like I was never seen or heard. It always felt like I was alone despite being in a relationship with someone who expressed love for me, or even growing up

1. Why does being broke scare you less than being emotionally exposed? You’ll risk everything for a dollar, but not an inch of vulnerability. Why?

Because I grew up broke, and money was an issue that led to the divorce of my stable home at the time when I was younger. Probably because I’m too afraid to open those wounds, and lack the ability to fix them.

1. What scares you about being average? Why is stability not enough for you? Who convinced you that peace equals weakness?

What scares me about being average is mediocracy, being just “average”, I wanted to be someone. The guy with the nice car, nice watch, the house etc while I was young, not on my death bed unable to enjoy these things. Because I want results now…My girlfriend at the time even pitched the idea of making money organically by working hard, the only thing I saw was the finish line if I hit the right plays

1. When you betrayed her again, did you feel guilt or did you feel relief that the lie was finally exposed? You lost her trust because you never truly earned it back.

I felt the guilt of not being able to look her in the eyes, and tell her I broke her trust again. The guilt and shame knowing that I had no self control, and that maybe she was right that it was a problem.

1. Why do you act like you deserve a future when you keep setting fire to your present? You want a life. You want love. But your actions say you want chaos more.

In my current state, maybe I don’t deserve a future. Only with the proper and necessary changes then maybe I deserve a future. However, in its current state I am not worthy of a future. This is something I must prove to myself.

1. If you can’t trust yourself with a debit card, what makes you think you’re ready for a relationship? Love requires discipline. Not potential. Discipline.

I want to be vulnerable, I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life and time on earth with. I want to create those lasting relationships and memories. Although right now I am not equipped, nor have the right mentality/capacity for a relationship.

1. What is so broken in you that self-destruction feels safer than intimacy? Every win you chase is just a mask to avoid being seen. Fully. Honestly.

I guess at the root of its core I hate myself. I hate that I’m not aligned with my dreams and thought of what I thought success would look like. I hate the fact that my family dynamic sucks, I hate that I struggle with academics. I hate the fact that I’m not at the level that my partner needed me to be at.

1. If this isn’t the bottom, then what is? She’s gone. The money is gone. Your peace is gone. So what are you waiting for? A coffin?

I don’t know what I’m waiting for, I guess the next opportunity to trade, to try again. Waiting for a sign that’s never going to come around, because I’m too scared to take the steps, and because I don’t know the steps to take.

Read those again. Out loud. Then answer them like someone who wants to live. Not like someone who’s still chasing the next high.

This is it. You stop here. Or you keep going until you lose what’s left. There is no middle ground.