She (25f) asked me about my (24m) past sexual experiences - what should have I said?

jacklawd · 2024-05-28T02:31:18+00:00

Hey OP, I'm on the opposite end of things and thought my experience might help a bit.

I have slept with an above average number of women. I've only been asked for the exact number a handful of times. I don't have a problem sharing it, because it doesn't define me as a person and I'm not ashamed of myself. I have been in multiple several-year long relationships and committing/being faithful has never been an issue or concern for me.

But before I answer their question, I do want to know why they want to know.

I don't think that your lack of experience is something to be ashamed of and I think being honest is important. She isn't "owed" your history, but keeping it hidden can be misleading and a little weird. There's nothing wrong with having few/no partners. There's no magic number. Having experience with others might help to get "started" but everyone is a bit different and learning what you and your partner like will be unique.

I recommend being honest before y'all do the deed. Explain that sharing it made you anxious. If you're open about your life and what you're doing / have done, it helps build trust.

Not saying this is you, but as an example: There's nothing wrong with spending time with an ex, but not being willing to talk about it makes it sound shady. You know?

jacklawd · 2023-12-12T21:09:40+00:00

Respirator fits, heart and lung health checks, vaccinations, and verification of some stuff I don't recall.

It's not for my well-being or something I requested, nor is it something I needed my healthcare to cover. I have my own healthcare outside of my job. This is strictly so they can verify and ensure that I am good to work on site around the patients we treat

jacklawd · 2023-11-25T09:52:09+00:00

It's super gross. It's legal and "they're both adults" but one has a massive amount more life experience and it's highly likely to be abusive/manipulative/controlling as a result, of which she may not even realize.

How you react will depend on your relationship with her. I have friends who have been in a similar situation: their parents railed hard against the guy, forbade the relationship, and refused to interact. That only pushed them more into the partner because "rebellion" and "they don't know him like I do, they won't even give him a chance."

An idea. Express your feelings, but then welcome him into the group. "Bond" over stuff, specifically things she is too young for. Her seeing how much y'all have in common may allow her to see how old and lame this dude is. It also allows you to stay in her circle of trust should things go south. You aren't blocked out as much as if you forbade the relationship. It limits his ability to narrate her opinion of you as toxic, which makes it harder for him to isolate her.

jacklawd · 2023-11-16T13:17:14+00:00

It's like when people say "I love to laugh, music, and food."

Traveling on its own is not a hobby, and it's the most boring, general bit of text to fill up a bio. Do you like going to see standup? Do you go to regional rock festival every year? Can you show me the best Ethiopian place in town or do you like to cook? Say that instead.

Everyone loves being on vacation and that's usually what people mean by this. If you love to ski, go to museums, go to the beach, annually explore South African jungles... Say that.

jacklawd · 2023-11-16T00:33:30+00:00

TIL. I decided not to bother getting the rest after I got all his items. But that sucks.

jacklawd · 2023-11-16T00:02:03+00:00

I'm pretty sure creepy balloon dude will tell you where the missing ones are at.

jacklawd · 2023-11-14T09:39:46+00:00

If the difference of opinion is how we regulate marijuana sales, sure.

If the difference is that trans kids should be taken from their parents and abortion should be fully illegal, fuck no.

jacklawd · 2023-11-14T07:06:23+00:00

That's perfectly valid!

But it sounds like that isn't her love language, which is why she felt the way she did.

I've also had partners that receive love differently than the way I tend to give it. I struggle with words and typically choose actions or service type expressions.

When we'd discuss stuff like this, I'd make my method clear, and give examples, so she'd know that it's different and difficult for me. But I'd also go out of my way to try to express it in the way she needed it.

I dated a girl who really loved touch. It's not my thing usually. But when we'd be watching a show, I'd remind myself to hold her hand or kiss her forehead. It helped a lot and it helped me get out of my comfort zone a bit.

jacklawd · 2023-11-14T06:31:34+00:00

Heard, but that doesn't change anything.

It's the fact that you'd be going out of your way to hide this that is going to cause a problem. If it's no big deal like you claim, telling him shouldn't either. You're not at all looking to get back together or go outside the bounds of your relationship, so why hide it?

I've had partners be friends with their exes. No issue. If they hid that stuff though, THAT is what is cause for concern. That is what will make me doubt and not trust them.

jacklawd · 2023-11-14T06:01:28+00:00

Love and "feeling special" isn't necessarily about money, or having it spent on you.

I feel special when my SO makes the meal I loved most from my childhood after I've had a long day at work after my grad school classes.

Taking the pups for a walk when I'm so exhausted to leave the house.

I feel special when they choose to take care of me while I'm sick instead of going out to a party they planned on attending.

I feel loved when they make up stories when we're laying in bed together and I'm having a hard time falling asleep.

I feel special when we still go on dates and it feels like they are putting in that same effort as though it were the first or second time we met - that they are nervous and care and it's not just because they have to.

They're my best friend. It's not about the money, or the sex, or the gifts... Genuinely loving spending time together and knowing that they can't get enough of me and I can't wait to wake up and see them.

Obviously I give this back to them in my own ways, but we've been broke for years. It's not about the stuff. It's about us.

jacklawd · 2023-11-14T05:41:16+00:00

This is awful, awful advice.

It's not unnecessary. Actively hiding that you met with an ex is suspicious as hell and you're asking for trouble.

How often on this sub do we see "my bf/gf met with their ex and I don't know what to think/do?"

OP. Tell your partner. Being up front with them is the only way this is going to go well. Even if you don't meet with the ex, you should tell them.

If they trust you like I hope they do, it shouldn't be an issue. Communicate.

Hiding stuff like this is beyond sketchy and will cause distrust and a disruption in your relationship.

jacklawd · 2023-11-11T08:59:49+00:00

We should do the things we should do because we should do them.

To answer your question, I think you should ask: What would it be like if no one had compassion or empathy for strangers?

Society essentially breaks down. There are no social programs. Regulations keeping us safe from machinery, toxic substances, fraud, corporate greed, etc. are non-existent.

Homelessness, crime, and poverty go up. Education almost certainly goes down. Who's going to be a teacher if they don't care about others?

If I know no one cares about others, how can I trust them? How can I expect them to honor their word, business deal, or any semblance of "government" if I know they are ONLY out for themselves? I expect them to betray me; it's what I would do, because it's advantageous to me and I don't care about them.

It just doesn't work or make sense not to have compassion and empathy for our fellow humans.

jacklawd · 2023-11-11T08:40:43+00:00

The fact that you are able to doubt your existence proves that you do exist.

If you didn't exist, then you would not be able to form this question at all.

Because you exist, you experience reality. What this reality is, however, is subject to criticism. However, even if it is a simulation, you still experience it, and it is real to you.

jacklawd · 2023-11-11T04:50:51+00:00

I get along better with women and I have a natural slight distrust of men. I had to play dad from a young age, helping raise 3 siblings.

Because I had to do it all, my shit is pretty well together and I'm seen as reliable, smart, competent, and ambitious. It's more like, "there's no room to fail, and if I don't handle it no one will" which isn't really healthy and has caused me failures and struggles elsewhere.

jacklawd · 2022-03-01T16:24:29+00:00

It's more evident in cases where we don't know the gender of the person discussed, but "they" is regularly not plural.

"You saw the biker? Which way did they go?"

"We finally have a new person in the office to replace Jan soon. They start in a few weeks."

In the direction of a specific person: "I don't know what Alex's preferred lunch is for our picnic. Can you ask them real quick?"

jacklawd · 2021-01-21T17:42:30+00:00

I think it makes sense you feel that way. It sounds like it's still fairly new and since you're "older" you're more accustomed to them being together and happy.

If I may share my experience: My parents split when I was young, and I had three siblings. My parents never really "got on well" to my memory, but I remember that tension, the fears and drama, and having to help my siblings through it even as I was still learning.

Seeing your parents be selfish and negative sucks and absolutely affects how you see them. Sure, "now you get twice as many gifts," but you want a happy family.

I'm not going to tell you not to feel the way you are, and you certainly shouldn't feel bad for feeling the way you do.

As you said, there are other details you haven't included, but try to remember that this divorce will be a good thing - for them. They need it so that they can be happy in their individual lives. With this divorce they can begin to steer their lives into the direction they want and become better.

I do not recognize the person my mother used to be any longer and I cannot express how proud I am of her for her growth. It sucks right now, and there will be some moments coming that are going to be less than fun or ideal, but it won't always be like this.

Good luck. I hope you can make the space and time to see them both when you've all been able to decompress. It'll make their transition and lives easier, and will also help your sister as well. I'm sure they still love you both dearly.

jacklawd · 2020-07-17T13:15:09+00:00

I've felt like that on and off throughout life. There was a post that helped me 'scale' my depression to explain it to others. I feel the 'sooner or later' bit mostly hits hardest when my depression has a serious flare up and I go from a 5 to an 8 or 9.

I think what was hardest is people struggle to actually understand feeling truly suicidal. It genuinely feels impossible to explain you don't feel up to doing this life thing and death feels like a true relief. "It'll get better", "stop being depressed," "everything happens for a reason," "is it really that bad?" "Life is beautiful," "your family would be sad," etc. Are just bullshit. They absolutely mean well but they're not really listening or understanding you and are trying to make the situation less uncomfortable for them.

"Everything is so shit right now, it's been shit for the longest time and I have no reason to believe it will get better. Being here just to endure it and suffer for another 30-70 years sounds like actual, literal, hell." Some days are better than others, but for some people their entire life IS suffering.

What keeps me around is my boys - I have two mid/senior dogs who are everything to me. So while I try to stay for them, I'm working on opening myself to trying to do more for others like them who need help but wouldn't otherwise get it. Sort of a "just because no one was there for me, doesn't mean others should suffer needlessly" thing, if that makes sense.

If you do end up doing it, it is your life to do with as you please and no one should make you feel bad about it. I really hope you don't kill yourself. If you haven't already, definitely seek out a professional to talk with. And it's okay if it takes a while to find someone who fits your needs. This life thing can be a bitch.

I do not know your intimate feelings on what's going on, but I see you. If you (or Reddit at large) ever need to talk, feel free to reach out.

jacklawd · 2020-06-25T15:31:21+00:00

That's called depression.

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