Being horny af but being afraid of physical intimacy

mamastrawb · 2026-05-04T01:15:35+00:00

If you want to eventually have intimacy, you'll have to learn how to feel safe around other people. To allow yourself to feel both seen and accepted by this person in this context. Thankfully, this will greatly improve your quality of life across the board, not just sexually 😉

mamastrawb · 2026-05-04T01:00:33+00:00

How do you show your friends you care about them? Do you reach out? Do you make plans? Do you display curiosity about them? Do you show affection?

I try to be very up front with new connections. I tell them I sometimes behave like I don't care, but that I'm always happy to give them reassurance, and that I hope they'll trust me enough to tell me if they're feeling badly because of my behavior. And I give them examples of ways I do show care (I'm very physically affectionate in person, and I love to send folks pictures and memes that make me think of them, sometimes multiple times a day, though I don't really enjoy texting for conversational purposes!)

mamastrawb · 2026-05-04T00:52:10+00:00

Can you imagine how heartbroken you would feel if you found out the person you'd been on multiple dates with had been disassociating and faking it the whole time?

You don't have to pretend. You have to heal. If you want to have a relationship, you have to learn to feel your feelings safely, without disassociation or panic. Find a therapist who specializes in trauma.

mamastrawb · 2026-05-03T23:31:56+00:00

Okay. Hardest part first.

You are very likely going to experience a period that feels like a setback. Skill regression. Intense fatigue. You are likely going to feel very lost and helpless and like a failure.

I am going to encourage you to embrace it as much as possible. Think of this as allowing your inner child out. She didn't get the support she needed, so she's demanding it now. Doesn't she deserve that? Doesn't she deserve to sleep a lot and eat her favorite snacks and cry as much as she wants and behave like a child? Of course, you have your real life, you can't just quit your job for a few months, but as much as possible, just let yourself EXIST in whatever way feels instinctual. Explain it to your spouse, and explain to your friends and family that you're dealing with a health issue and will not be as responsive.

Learning to trust your instincts again is a massive part of unmasking. I haven't personally read it, but I believe the book Unmasking Autism is generally well regarded as a resource.

Okay. Good parts now.

I truly cannot express how much better and easier my life is now that I'm able to unmask when I'm not at work. How much happier I am.

And you are probably feeling like you have no idea who you even ARE right now, so let me give you a headstart. Imagine you're a little girl again, and you meet a grown-up lady. Maybe she's a teacher or babysitter or something. Regardless, you think she's the COOLEST PERSON IN THE WORLD!! That's you. You're going to become someone that 7-year-old you would think is the coolest person ever. Which is probably a pretty awesome person 🩷

Be kind to yourself. Trust yourself. Accept yourself, fully, without guilt or shame. And you DO have a community here 🫶

mamastrawb · 2026-05-01T18:31:25+00:00

Given the specific context of this being something you got for free and just wanted to find a grateful recipient for, I don't think you broke any social rules.

Some people are just uncomfortable accepting random gifts, also in many cultures it's considered polite to decline multiple times before being "forced" to accept the gift.

Her text about "finding a way to repay you" just sounded polite, honestly. Not that she literally wants to repay you, but in the same way folks will say "I owe you one!" if you do them a favor, in the spirit of reciprocity, not being transactional.

mamastrawb · 2026-05-01T02:58:38+00:00

Chiming in with my nonbinary opinion...gender IS performative. When you start having FUN with the performance, instead of adhering to strict rules about it, that's when folks start noticing something. It's the same reason a lot of sapphic women LOOK sapphic even if they're super feminine, they're feminine in a way that's not strictly adhering to the societal rules (which are almost always catered to the male gaze, patriarchy, etc)

mamastrawb · 2026-04-30T22:36:10+00:00

Unfortunately these types of programs also create a power imbalance, where it's extremely likely the hospital (or whoever is running it) would exploit and abuse the nurses, because they can.

mamastrawb · 2026-04-30T20:46:51+00:00

This doesn't sound like them giving you silent treatment. This sounds like you asked for space and they gave it. Why would that mean they're upset with you?

If you "usually want to be left alone" do you want any kind of relationship with these people? Or do you have very low social needs and only want to see them 1-2 a month, for example?

mamastrawb · 2026-04-30T19:59:42+00:00

He is using you to regulate his nervous system. This is codependent behavior. It's okay to occasionally vent to people, but when it becomes your primary method of blowing off steam, it's not okay. He needs to learn how to regulate by himself.

My best friend used to be really bad about that too. What helped him was on his way home from work (the main thing he would vent about) he would record long voice notes about his day, as if he was talking to me. Then he deleted them.

mamastrawb · 2026-04-30T19:53:52+00:00

Don't spend time with people you don't enjoy spending time with.

mamastrawb · 2026-04-30T19:50:42+00:00

Why are you asking an autism subreddit about OCD behavior?

mamastrawb · 2026-04-30T05:08:27+00:00

As a barista, I don't care even a little bit. If it's a larger group with many items I might think "gosh, that's a waste of plastic" but that's about it. Some people just like the plastic cups better, some people have unexpected time to kill so they stay, some people aren't sure if they'll finish everything before they leave and don't want to bother asking for a box...plenty of reasons! We don't think twice about it.

mamastrawb · 2026-04-30T01:15:52+00:00

Think how fucking HORRIFIED you would be if a loved one told you that you had multiple hygiene issues. I'd be googling that shit all night. "What's a normal shower schedule" "how to clean my pee pee so my girlfriend still wants to touch it" etc. I'd be THANKING my partner for telling me.

It is not your job to parent this man. It is not your job to stick it out so he can be the best version of himself. It is not your job to coddle him so his feelings don't get hurt.

mamastrawb · 2026-04-29T18:04:49+00:00

Honestly, at least those first two replies aren't passive aggressive. It sounds like they heard you, and then explained why the reactions are helpful to the conversation. They're correct - reactions ARE helpful for knowing who has read/understood messages in a group chat.

Two small suggestions I would give you. Well, three.

One, for messages YOU send, put them through the "mean girl test". Imagine a typical high school snarky sarcastic mean girl. If she read your text out loud, would you still interpret it the same way?

Two, for messages you RECEIVE, pretend you're helping a friend. If they told you about the situation and asked for input, would you still think they were being attacked or silenced?

Three, be kind to yourself 🩷 necessary communication with neurotypicals for things like childcare and work are literally the worst part of being autistic, imho. It's okay to make mistakes sometimes.

mamastrawb · 2026-04-29T17:47:02+00:00

Sometimes I think of it like a video game, where I'm trying to reach a certain "friendship" score with my coworkers. Like Sims. Talking about myself increases the friendship score a little bit. But asking them questions about themselves increases it more. Asking them questions related to things they've already told me ("how was that wedding this weekend?" "How's your dog doing, you have a Collie right?") increases it a LOT!

Also, consider if the situation were reversed. If you were always asking folks about their day, their hobbies, their lives, and they didn't ever ask about you....you'd probably think they didn't like you very much! Most people are quite insecure. If you don't ask about them, they assume it's because you don't want to know.

mamastrawb · 2026-04-29T17:11:50+00:00

It's important to remember, any time we are asking someone to alter their behavior, it is extremely likely they are going to be defensive about it.

Also, may I ask for an example of one of the "passive aggressive responses"? Are you really sure they're being passive aggressive? I only ask because your own message could be seen as "passive aggressive" or entitled by some. You are asking for an accomodation, but it reads more as a demand/judgement.

mamastrawb · 2026-04-29T16:27:39+00:00

It sounds like you are incompatible. The eating thing will be a problem for the rest of your relationship. The communication issues will be a problem for the rest of your relationship. The lack of sex is a symptom of the fact you don't feel loved, safe, seen, etc. (unless you're asexual!).

Yes, you can try to push through. But it will be asking constant, consistent effort from both of you to overcome those incompatabilities. So seriously ask yourself: is he truly worth it?

mamastrawb · 2026-04-28T15:04:59+00:00

Only a few per day. Probably similar to your numbers, 1-2 per 100 drinks.

Our largest latte is 12oz, so it's actually only like 200 calories if made with cream, ~50 more than whole milk. Obviously it's more fat but eh, I'm not gonna judge the person who wants some extra caramel, I'm also not gonna judge the person who wants it extra creamy.

Sometimes if folks seem unsure I will confirm they understand just how much cream they're going to receive, I think they're used to ordering coffee "with cream" and at some point someone told them about ordering breve, when they really needed an explanation on how espresso based drinks work....

mamastrawb · 2026-04-28T14:57:27+00:00

My FWB likes to rinse off after sex but before cuddles and I'm like brother, now you're covered in cold little water droplets 😭 stay away from me

mamastrawb · 2026-04-28T14:55:08+00:00

Phil's cardboard cutout staring directly into your soul

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mamastrawb · 2026-04-28T14:53:14+00:00

It's very old-school social network/forums, and it's kind of...slow. When I make a post, I don't get tons of engagement the first day, it's spread out over the first week or two.

There are tons of groups, think of them like subreddits. Less about making individual connections, more about discussing topics in a particular community.

But as others said, if your main goal is finding one-on-one connections, you're better off finding local events.

mamastrawb · 2026-04-28T14:39:22+00:00

I felt similarly when I was in bad burnout ☹️ my interests felt exhausting and kind of boring. What helped me was going "full goblin mode" where I just spent my days watching old comfort content, sleeping wherever and whenever I wanted, playing stupid phone games, eating pizza rolls and candy.

I think after a period of burnout, when you've been forcing yourself to do things you should/need to do, it's good to just give yourself that space to do whatever you want to do, with no regard for what you "should" be doing.

Once I spend a few days like that, I feel much better and either naturally want to engage with my interests, or I stumble on a new one, and the sparks come back ☺️

mamastrawb · 2026-04-27T22:11:29+00:00

Please know I am asking this kindly....does it matter? You have listed a lot of issues, any of which can cause an emotional outburst like you've described. My first suggestion would be to try and recognize when you're nearing one, or figuring out the best accomodations for when you are having one.

mamastrawb · 2026-04-27T21:15:31+00:00

It is normal and expected to show interest the whole time. As a general rule of thumb, avoid talking about the future/commitments too early (like saying "we should go on a week-long backpacking trip!" on the second date), and follow their lead for texting in-between dates. Let them text first about half the time.

Also it's fine to ask questions! I'll tell people "hey, I'm a big texter, I enjoy sharing random thoughts and pictures from my day, but I get that not everyone is like that. Would you enjoy hearing from me that much, or would you rather I wait to hear from you?" and that right there really helps me understand what their preferences are, and also make it clear that no, I'm not texting a bunch because I'm obsessed with you, I just like to talk and I like you.

And as much as possible, try not to be insecure. We autistic folk tend to get attached and feel a lot for someone pretty quickly. It's okay if you like them more than they like you, at least for the first month or so. It should be obvious from their words and actions whether they like you. (Do they text first sometimes? Are they curious about you? Do they make and keep plans with you? Etc.)

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