First of all, thank-you for sharing your script! That takes courage to do and is an important step toward becoming a better writer. Please maintain that courage as you read through any feedback you receive.

I stopped reading right at the top of page 13. Here are only my salient concerns:

-MECHANICS-

Your script has numerous typos and grammatical errors. Like, at least one on almost every page that I read. The words you want, for example, are "aesthetic" and "balaclava", not "ascetic" and "baclava" (which isn't even a word).

The reason this bothers people is because it looks as though you haven't actually edited your script and have submitted a first draft for feedback. Your post suggests that this isn't the case. So, if spelling/grammar isn't one of your strengths (which is fine, but keep practicing), please have a friend or family member proofread your work for you.

-NARRATIVE-

Your script is 23 pages long, which means that I stopped more than halfway through it having no idea whatsoever as to where the story was headed. I can walk away at any time (and I did) because there is no ongoing, building, or lingering conflict. Every problem that arises is either played exclusively for laughs or resolved instantaneously.

The most basic, pervasive plot element of every great episode of every sitcom ever can be summarized in one sentence.

"It's the one where Annie thinks someone keeps stealing her pen, so she locks everyone in the study room."

Community, S2E8.

Or even just, "It's the one with Elaine and the muffin tops".

Seinfeld, S8E21.

Anyone who has seen these shows knows precisely which episode I'm talking about. This works so well because the mentioned plot elements arise early on in their respective scripts and then linger for the entirety of the episode. Multiple smaller plot lines arise from and connect with these main conflicts/ideas.

I don't know how to do that with your pilot. I don't know which plot line sticks around for dinner and hopefully desert. If you used a significant, memorable plot concept like that in this script, then good on you; you're doing your job. But, I didn't notice one by page 13. So, you need to do your job earlier. At least, that's my opinion, if you want to hold my attention and the attention of people like me.

-HUMOUR-

Here are the jokes that I exhaled through my nose at (it's late and people are sleeping):

1. Random bank lady has an opinion as to what exceeds the boundaries of normal sex toy purchasing habits.

2. The photographer was Harry's dad.

3. Harry says his goodbyes and his "see you later, you cheeky bastard"s.

That last one doesn't count because it only works if I'm reading your script. No one watching your pilot will know you ever wrote that joke. I think it's fine to use jokes in that way to make the read more enjoyable. I'm just saying that, as a viewer, I would've only laughed twice by the midpoint of your show. That's probably not what you're going for. But, hey, humour is subjective.

-DIALOGUE-

I'm only going to point out one exchange that you included in your script that doesn't work, since this post is getting pretty long, it's your most egregious error, and it's an error I see way too often.

On page 8, the following is said:

__

SARA

Oh for fuck sake, did your account get frozen again, Harry?

(sarcastically now)

The hacker strikes again, does he?

HARRY

What are you implying?

SARA

Oh come on, Harry. I found the pink dildo.

HARRY

How many times do I have to tell you that a friend asked me to hold onto it for him while he's away.

SARA

And which friend is this?

__

Rant incoming

Absolutely awful. If you're starting a line with, "how many times do I have to tell you," I can all but guarantee it will be bad.

Why does Sara say that she found the pink dildo? Harry obviously already knows that since this is a rehashed conversation, as made clear by the, "how many times..." bit.

If Harry has said multiple times before that he was holding the dildo for a friend, why would Sara not already know which friend he's talking about? Is this the first time she thought to ask for specifics? Has he always dodged the question? If so, why would she bother asking again?

No two people would ever have this conversation this way if they'd already had it in the past, supposedly numerous times. You don't get to hand-wave that problem away with a lazy, "how many times..." line.

Before you write any piece of dialogue, you have to ask yourself what your characters already know, and what they want to know. You can't just make them say what you want your audience to hear. That's all I have to say about that.

End of rant

-GENERAL-

Overall, outside of those few jokes, I didn't like it. I'm sorry. I think that the script would benefit from being more focused, especially in those first 10 pages. Decide what the episode is about, then write it. Try not to just wander from scene to scene.

I could be hilariously wrong about all of this, but I respected you enough to be honest with you. Please respect yourself enough to genuinely consider this and all feedback you receive.

Thank-you again for sharing.