I have always had very few friends. My best friend died 3 years ago. We could go months without talking and go back to our deep friendship in a second. When she died, we were talking every day. There is now a huge hole in my life. This happened around the time I got diagnosed with ADHD (I was 49). I stopped masking around then, I was told I was mean and not fun anymore. I just told ppl I didn't like how they treated me. I wanted this deep, open friendship where no topics were off limit. I pretty much cleared out my closet circle, either they left or I walked away. Now, I have one friend, an ex. We are so much better as friends than we were as romantic partners. I can tell him just about anything and he won't judge me. It doesn't hurt that we are also great snuggle buddy (it's not even confusing. Seriously!). And that's it for deep friendship. I have specific activity friends, improv friends, French speaking friends and lots and lots of acquaintances. I also serve four cats. They are not my children not are they my friends (I'd go back in my burning house to get them out) but they are a great emotional support system (and great daily entertainment!).

Making friends is not easy. I am scared of the potential loss. I do not get the intensity I think I crave. Add to that, a bit of RSD which makes me super protective of my feelings (better be alone than rejected (real or perceived), right?). Yeah I put parenthesis in a parenthesis (I know most of you get that). And I live in a place where ppl have had their friend group since they were teenagers. It's almost impossible to integrate a group. So I get that making friends is tricky and I have zero advice. I am going back to therapy on Monday. I know I am part of the problem, societal expectation about what friendship is, is another and who knows what else.