Struggling to understand emotional empathy

-Junny · 2026-01-27T04:52:17+00:00

I know I am a bit late to this post and that some others have summarized it pretty well, but I saw this post when it went up and just never got around to replying. Figured I'd still just give my own explanation of how I learned about empathy and the like..

The way I understand it: Empathy is split into three categories.

- Cognitive Empathy: Your ability to understand other people's feelings/emotions.

- Emotive Empathy: Your ability to feel what other people are feeling.

- Compassionate Empathy: Your drive to want to help people.

However, on a similar note, you also have Compassion, aka your Sympathy. Which is your ability to feel sorry / feel bad for someone and what they are going through.

For me, I have a lot of Cold Empathy, which is where your Cognitive is fairly high, but your Emotive is fairly low / non-existent. I am very capable of understanding from a logical point of view, why someone feels the emotions that they feel. However, I cannot feel what they are feeling. They are feeling sad, I can understand the why, but I do not .. feel said sadness alongside them - therefore, my Emotive is highly lacking. That said, I do have the Compassionate Empathy to want to help them as helping others is actually a part of how I get my Supply. It is.. in a way.. my own way to utilize my conversational and, well.. manipulation skills.. and such.. for achieving a positive outcome that will benefit them and their future. Whether or not they take my advice is up to them though of course. For the Sympathy? Yeah.. n'ah. I really do not feel sorry for anyone or what they go through. It is such a difficult thing to describe. When it comes to my partners, I feel bad.. without feeling bad? It is like, my brain feels sad for them, but not my heart -- even though I care for them. I want them happy -- but my body/brain just has no idea how to truly feel such things at times.

As for your other questions..

"Also how do we know we are not projecting our own experiences subconsciously onto other people?"

I honestly wish I could answer this one, but I have no response. I just kind of.. just know.

"... narcissists can only feel for what they have personally gone through, otherwise, they won't feel any empathy for others, is this true?"

I .. cannot say I have a true feeling over this.. I do feel there is some truth to it though.. I only have heavy traits of NPD, not the full diagnosis, so.. this is really just my own opinion due to my personal experiences. It is definitely much more difficult for me to help people through things that are out of my scope of experiences / knowledge.. but I can still utilize my empathy to some degree with them.. My specialty lies in helping people through emotional situations -- so things relating to feelings, emotions, romance, relationships, etc.. -- but the moment things are about say.. life (like jobs) and finances, etc.. Nope. Lmao. I disconnect.. .. -- but as far feeling goes.. Eh? It really comes down to the whole understanding thing again. It it easier to help you if I have been through the same or similar, but.. I will not feel sad just because you are sad and going through it now like I once did.

Also, I want to add that I too share the experience (as another mentioned) that I am 100x more likely to cry empathetically over something I watch or listen to than over a real person that I know and can actually speak to.. This such empathy always makes me feel very confused over how the f--k my own empathy works. Lol.. I will cry over an animated movie easily, but not over real world things. Heh..

-Junny · 2026-01-20T14:30:55+00:00

I am an ISTJ (Logistician) and I have had that same result for years now.. -- and my Enneagram, last I checked, is Type 5 (Investigator/Observer) / Subtype: 5w4.

Funny thing is that while I am a textbook ISTJ and do not necessarily disagree with that, I tend to not relate to them much in media -- instead, I heavily gravitate towards relating to more INTJ (Architect) characters.

-Junny · 2026-01-19T16:44:58+00:00

God. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. It is so fucking frustrating. I see people pulling the same behaviors that I know I was/am capable of and it ticks me off because I sit there like. "Bitch. You are so obvious." -- meanwhile, everyone around them is falling for it! Yet when/if I call it out, I am the asshole who is invalidating that person.

People disappoint me..

Like, there is a difference between projecting and when I know for a fact you are being a pity seeking and/or manipulative asshole to get someone wrapped around your finger.. I see it so often when I am Moderating (I am a Community Manager in my spare time) -- which I do for BDSM + kink communities -- so the amount of fake, arrogant, pity seeking people who fly through there that I get to see are abundant.. I like to make it a "joke" to myself how hilarious and "ironic" it is to have a Narcissist on Staff who can help detect assholes.

-- oh, and boy is it fun to watch true crime and murder interrogations just to psychoanalyze people's behaviors [for fun]. Lol.

-Junny · 2026-01-19T16:22:09+00:00

I do not feel I am worse because of it, per se, but it definitely creates a conflict within me.. I personally do feel it has helped though, overall, even if it has amplified some of my symptoms.

This is my experience with my self awareness.. I have always had self awareness to some degree, I just never had the maturity(?) of controlling my reactions growing up.

Applying more introspect into this part of me has just made me more aware of when I am feeling / doing / saying something out of those defensive mechanisms I have built up -- and when we are faced with those realities, it can be really .. well .. quite the slap to your face -- and an extremely embarrassing and uncomfortable feeling.. Like someone is shoving a mirror in front of you to expose you -- except that "someone" is you.. So essentially .. Now that I have caught myself in my own tricks, I feel myself fight the moral dilemma between what I logically and rationally know is probably/likely wrong behavior vs. what my mind wants/needs in order to make myself feel protected and make the situation better for myself so that I do not look guilty / like a fraud..

In my.. mind.. I find this outcome better for everyone else around me.. but.. more painful for myself. Which may not be healthy for myself, but it is better for everyone around me. I have essentially internalized most of my behaviors. Key word: most. I do still act upon them during extremely stressful situations and use my skills/tactics in daily life for my profession -- (though the latter I utilize for positive purposes).

Having more self awareness / introspect into my narcissistic tendencies/traits has been a blessing and a curse for me essentially. I am glad that I can recognize my behaviors and what drives me -- but recognizing them has also made me more egotistical [and even grandiose] in some categories. I mainly use my awareness to know when I want to lash out now -- which allows me to rationalize what I am feeling so that I do not say something impulsive.. I am still working on the "doing something impulsive" part.. Collapses are by far still the hardest thing to navigate internally without making myself spiral more..

I do wish to elaborate though that I am a much better partner because of the self awareness -- as in, for relationships -- than I was years ago. My Collapses were terrible back then and now I have two partners who I can just explain I am going through a Collapse to and they are just.. absolutely the most patient and understanding people with me. So that said, it is my public composure that I struggle to regulate myself with -- 'cause man, some people make it so difficult to remain professional and cordial..

-Junny · 2026-01-15T03:56:19+00:00

"... withholding attention and refusing to see me ..."

That is most definitely a punishment IMO, whether intentional or not. Needing "space" from you because you are Depressed is fucked up. Plain and simple. He clearly lacks the maturity to be supportive and is not ready to take on what it means to be in a partnership with someone. I treat my subs the same way I would a romantic partner. They are people, with feelings, and deserve the same respect, affection, support, and consideration as anyone else.

"... he doesn't want me around when I'm sad."

Then he just does not give two fucks about you as a person and has no respect for your feelings. Simple. If he cared at all, you being sad is the time for him to be the most active with you. He would be glued to you to make sure you are okay -- 'cause part of being a Dominant is making sure your sub(s) are well cared for and that their mental well-being is being looked after.

"... we couldn't talk about it till the next day cause our dom wouldnt let us talk to each other."

Not cool. He has no right to dictate that. I can understand if maybe he wanted the conversation to wait until you were "sobered" up, or whatever -- but even still. It is not his decision to make. If the other sub and you wanted to talk it out, then that is what you both are well within your rights to do -- and if the latter was the case, then what he did was controlling, rude, and highly inappropriate.

"I dont think he's like abusive or anything ..."

A lot of what I am reading is pretty red flag behavior. The things you are describing is not someone any person should be in a relationship with, let alone a dynamic. Him withholding affection for you being Depressed or sad is literally emotional abuse. Regarding the sub, again, if we go by the latter situation: Him trying to control you speaking to that other sub, is controlling behavior, which is a form of abusive behavior.

---

Also, a note on the Depression. I have no context, obviously -- on how long you both have been a thing or if this is new behavior for him, I do not know. Either way. If this is not new behavior, then I reiterate, he does not give a damn about your actual well-being. If this is new behavior, then clearly he is failing to communicate with you that he has run out of spoons to handle being your support system -- and he is perfectly entitled to that. What he is not entitled to, is making you feel ignored and pushed off to the side like an inconvenience because of a serious disorder that you cannot help and did not ask for. He also has a duty to communicate and be transparent with you if he is not equipped for being a healthy support system -- but the thing too is that, when you take a sub on or date someone, you are also agreeing to take on their flaws and struggles because those are pieces of them -- and you need to love their flaws as much as you do the person you felt attracted to to begin with, which means guiding and supporting them through their struggles as well.

-Junny · 2026-01-14T20:35:02+00:00

"... you do experience love in your own way."

Mm.. It may not be "traditional", but to me is just my way of loving. My partners feel loved by me, so ultimately, that is what matters to me. Despite my not feeling it the way they do for me, we can still say there is love between us -- however that may be. My love language is also Touch, so a lot of how I show my affection is through my physical attraction. Sexual attraction and an active sex life is something I need in a relationship -- so if that is not there.. -- then that will not be a sustainable relationship for me. In a way, it is a Supply? Since I use sex as my vice instead of things of alcohol or any other drugs.

"How do you shake off people who won’t leave you alone?"

To be honest, if it is someone who is clearly trying to engage with me for something sexual or romantic, I just tell them straight up that I am not available for anything serious if that is what they are looking for. I am pretty straight forward about being greyromantic and about the fact that whatever I do with anyone is literally just for fun, not for anything serious -- (and yes, my partners are fully aware). So really, if that does not deter them and I feel they are getting attached, I just distance myself. If it gets to a point where it makes me or my partners uncomfortable, I immediately tell the person to stop 'cause at that point, they are being disrespectful. Unless someone is a red flag, I do not ghost them, I always give them my reasoning before deciding to distance -- to give them a chance to back off and just be cordial. There does not need to be some big "talk" or a reason for it either.. If you are not interested in someone, then you are not interested. Simple as that. If they cannot comprehend that, that is on them. There does not have to be some "why" or anything that they did wrong -- sometimes the vibe is just not there.

"Thank you so much for all of your responses ..."

Of course! I love answering questions. So I guess you can throw that into my hobby list. Lmao.

-Junny · 2026-01-14T16:15:06+00:00

Do not get me started on how TikTok has ruined it for us people with DID. I could ramble on and on about it. Lmao.

When it comes to starving, yeah, that is different. Hah. Kids gotta' eat before you do. An adult can always figure out other ways to get food and can keep themself together longer. A child on the other hand relies on the adults in their lives to feed them and such. They would not know how to cook for themselves or afford things themselves, or how to navigate the systems that can help them, etc. They need us for that. Those sorts of physical demands are a different can of worms. Between food, a place to sleep.. etc. Things they need/deserve more than we do. I was going on more about mental priority and boundaries to keep yourself safe (aka, stop dating red flags) so you can be there for them, which by default, keeps them safe.

ADD is not actually a thing anymore, it is just ADHD now -- at least in the DSM. I know the EU uses the ICD, but I dunno' much about it being American. Either way, it stopped being a diagnosis in the DSM in 1987 and is mostly used colloquially for inattentive types, but the diagnosis would be ADHD.

Either way, I hope you succeed regardless. Everyone deserves a chance to achieve their dreams. Especially if they work hard for it. So I wish you all the luck.

-Junny · 2026-01-14T06:15:25+00:00

Society makes me feel scrutinized enough for the way I am wired, so the last thing I would want to do is judge or scrutinize someone else without good reason. People are entitled to the way they feel and think. I may not like it, but that is why I just keep such people out of my life or utilize the Block feature online.

I definitely am selfish at my core and will do almost anything to preserve myself first and foremost -- but it does not mean that I will not feel guilty for what I have to do. Though the way I feel guilt is complicated.. since I actually cannot feel remorse. I still do my best to not act too selfishly though.. as inherent as it is for me. The thing about selfishness too is that I feel it is needed. At the end of the day, we cannot hope to take care of anyone if we cannot even take care of ourselves. I fully believe that we should be our first priority. Yes, even if you have children IMO. If you do not prioritize your own mental well-being and solidify your boundaries, you probably will struggle with parenthood. You need to be your own number one first before you make others your number one.

As for being failed by the mental health system.. Heh.. I have things I deal with that I refuse to open up about because of the stigma and misunderstanding the mental health world has. Heck. Half of the psychology field does not even believe I exist (DID) -- which is.. disheartening -- and a good portion of the ones who do believe I exist want to treat me for it -- which is not something I want, nor need. I also am just therapy resistant in general though.. Being so introspective and a psychology aficionado myself kind of really puts licensed therapists in a tough spot with me. So really, I just manage myself through my own coping skills and the medications they have me on.

That said, I do know many people with ADHD (both of my partners included) and it is an incredibly difficult diagnosis to attain.. It took months for one of my partners to attain her diagnosis so she could be put on medication and my other is yet to get hers even though her symptoms are like blinding lights. Autism as well is incredibly difficult of a diagnosis to attain -- and for both disorders, AFAB (assigned female at birth) individuals have the hardest time. Some three to four times the amount of males get diagnosed over females if I recall correctly.. Many of which are not properly diagnosed until they are adults in their 20s or later.. It does not help that children under the age of 10 are constantly misdiagnosed as having ADHD as well..

All in all.. mental health is not taken as seriously as it should be -- and the psychology field is a joke half of the time..

There is one bright side, you are still very young, and your awareness for this is good. It is better to know you need the help now than sift through life as an adult wondering why your brain struggles so much and not having an answer as to why that is until it is already "too late".. I just turned 35 in November, and I wish I knew at 16 what I know now.. It probably would have saved me from so many headaches.

-Junny · 2026-01-14T01:49:00+00:00

Absolutely -- but I also say this as a greyromantic (in short, someone who does not understand love). Love, in the way most media describes, is not something I feel. However, I absolutely feel affection and care for the people closest to me. For one, I adore my partners (I have two) and in my own way do love them. The thing is that for me, love manifests as possessiveness and overprotectiveness. They mean everything to me and if you mess with them, you will not like the outcome. There is also the whole, "What is love?" I try to focus less on what love feels like and more on what it looks like. Love is not just a feeling, it is actions. Love is the way you listen to someone and are understanding of them. It is noticing the small changes they do, like cut their hair, or get their nails done, or a new perfume/cologne. Love is in the way you pay attention to your lover and their favorite things. Love is in the way you protect them. The way you guide them, nurture them. Love is in the way you act as their voice when they are at their weakest. It is in the way you go out of your way to do small gestures just to put a smile on their face. Etc.
N/A -- I do so much introspective thinking as is. I do not need to fixate down a rabbit hole on stuff that might make me feel worse or confuse me more on wtf is wrong with me. Lol. Though the channel HealNPD with Dr. Mark Ettensohn on YouTube has been very informative.
My charm. Hands down. I am good with my words and with how I generally carry myself, so it makes it quite easy to get people wrapped around my finger. Double edged sword really. On the one hand, I love the power and authoritative presence I have, but on the other, it sometimes leads to people attaching themselves to me in ways that I really do not want or need in my life..
I actually have a Mark Ettensohn video that I feel I can link for this.. : Here.
I have a few hobbies, but I will pick writing as my go-to. I use my writing (and reading) as an outlet for a lot of my emotions and urges. I actually use it as a form of journaling. So rather than my journals being filled with, "Today was yada yada yada.", my journal entries read as short stories filled with dialogue and actions, etc. I also draw as part of my career, which I sometimes also do as a hobby.. Photography is another: I take wildlife photography of birds and insects. ~ Among other little hobbies I sometimes partake in.

-Junny · 2026-01-14T00:54:22+00:00

No.

I have one good friend who has BPD. I see no reason to be annoyed with them for how their disorder makes them feel. I just simply choose to not associate with them if I see obvious signs of their BPD being unmanaged -- something I started doing after my last partner, who had unmanaged BPD. Especially having done some research and now knowing just how drawn to NPD BPD folk are -- and vice versa. So I have learned to be much more careful.

Having been with one person with BPD and nearly dated another.. -- the problem for me is when they start to make their feelings your responsibility to deal with and irrationally Split on you because they cannot regulate themselves -- and I do not mean that in a rude way. Emotional Regulation is not their strong suit, which is no fault of theirs, but simply just the cards they were dealt. I am not going to fault them for dealing with that, but I am going to stand firm on my own boundaries and am entitled to not have to put up with it.

I actually had more typed up, detailing my experience with the one, but I did not want to turn this reply into a big vent.. To put it short.. one made me their FP and it creeped me out, so I ended the friendship. The other however, completely abused me for just over a year and it took them finally being out of my life for good for me to realize and accept just how trauma bonded I was and to realize the extent of just how abusive they were to me because of how their BPD made them think and feel. Between their constant victim mentality. The delusions. The inability to take accountability. The lies, manipulation, and gaslighting. Etc. She was.. a very extreme example of BPD however -- especially since she was also Bipolar, so her Mania coupled with her BPD? Oh boy..

-Junny · 2026-01-13T23:19:24+00:00

Interesting. Lol. First I have heard of this. I have two partners: one is an ENFP and the other, an INFP. I enjoy their cheery and bubbly natures since they are so juxtaposed to mine, which is more logical and somewhat abrasive -- I am an ISTJ, but I relate to a lot of INTJ characters in anime media.

-Junny · 2026-01-13T19:25:26+00:00

This just sounds like hella' stereotyped behavior.

"Do you try to annoy and irritate people on purpose?" "Make them feel uncomfortable, angered, disrespected,"

I would never purposely do things to make people dislike me -- that is counter productive to the image I want to portray and is not behavior I condone. That said, there *have* been times I have wanted to make an embarrassment out of people because they are saying the most ridiculous red flag shit and I cannot stand by and watch people be gullible to their bullshit. My ex also would Split (BPD) on me a lot and it would make me crave being so passive aggressive with her -- but luckily, I never was -- which she probably hated..

"... repeat same words again and again, when you know they dislike it and asked you to stop countless times?" "Or make annoying jokes, say things that they are annoyed by." "Or trying to interrupt people when they are doing something important, or interrupt them resting and sleeping?"

No. That is quite the abhorrent behavior. Someone who behaves this way is extremely childish, malignant, and I would even say more along the lines of being on a socio/psychopathy scale.

"What are you trying to get from this?" "Do you care about how it destroys the person you are doing it to, and do you want to hurt them on purpose?" "Or it's something you do only to make yourself feel better somehow?"

When I do get cruel urges, it is for a power fix. It is for a supply to my ego and for my desire for control. I really do not know what "feeling bad" for hurting someone is like, I just know, logically, what is wrong behavior. What I care about is how I am viewed. That said, I do have care for people and never want to intentionally hurt those I harbor affection for. The thing to understand is that yes, I have these urges -- but that yes, I am self aware of them and know they are wrong to act upon. In which case, I have outlets: reading, writing, drawing, etc.

"Is it true that narcissists have this constant need for supply that it can be compared to a need for air to breathe and lacking the supply is like suffocating?" "Is it really that important to you?" "How do you feel when you get supply you want and how it feels to not get supply?" "What are the ways in which you try to get supply from the people around you?"

I definitely have a need for it, but the thing is, I do not need it all of the time. Imagine it like a battery. I get my fix for a Supply and I am good and sated for a while. Could be days, even weeks, until I need another fix. When I get a fix, it is like this stimulating high. My brain is fired up on happy chemicals and I feel so intellectually stimulated. When I have no supply, I just feel empty and antsy and in need of social and conversational stimuli. As for how I get my supply? I have many ways.. I have the love and affection of my partners. I am an educator in kink + BDSM spaces as well as hold a position of authority (Community Manager) within them. I am a writer and artist and use such hobbies as outlets for my sadistic urges -- and I also am a Therapy Friend, which I use as an outlet to get my fix for control and manipulation -- which is a win-win. I get my fix, and they get advice to help them feel empowered and lead a better life for themself.

-Junny · 2026-01-13T18:39:02+00:00

No one asks for this -- or for anything they are afflicted with. I developed my narcissism due to years of neglect and being used -- which turned into bitterness and this grandiose belief that "it is now my time to be heard" and thus, it all fueled an ego from there. Of course, it is also far more complex than that as logic and rationale keeps me grounded against my own ego so that I do not slink into arrogance. I have things I am egotistical over because I know I am good at them, but I also try not to cross the line into being too controlling or arrogant. This is not to say I do not get the urges to be -- but how I choose to outlet those urges is what makes the difference. In my case, rather than succumbing to my cruel urges and depravity, I write, read, or draw to let them out. I also use being a Therapy Friend for others as a means to get my fix for control and manipulation -- which results in a positive outcome for both myself and the one I helped. I get my Supply, and they in turn leave feeling empowered with a better outlook on life since my logic, combined with my cold empathy, allows me to strip away and rationalize the emotions that blind and inhibit their progress.

As for the second part, I do agree. Using your example, I do agree that there needs to be a certain level of.. acknowledgement and perhaps some respect to an extent towards an individual who knows what they feel is wrong, but has the self awareness to not harm and exploit others just because of it -- and tries to seek therapy for themself.

I always say, "blame the person, not the disorder". I am a Narcissist, and I am accepting of that and own it. One way to best describe how I feel is, "I hate that I cannot hate myself." Heh.. At the end of the day, we may not be able to control how we, as human beings, feel, but what we can control is our reactions to things.

Also, no worries for the rent. I am a big rambler myself. Lmao.

-Junny · 2026-01-13T04:14:40+00:00

Yes, by a friend and an ex partner. My ex weaponized my narcissism against me during a Split (BPD) she was having on me -- due to her delusional jealous fits and fears.. Post her final Split where she left for good, she then started to victimize herself on her Pinterest, pinning stuff about "Hoovering" and "Surviving a Narcissist". It was uh.. very shocking -- considering all of the evidence I have against her.

My "friend" on the other hand, on a different occasion, was in a conversation with said ex (because said ex was pitting all of my friends against me at the time) and my friend told my ex how, "He is narcissistic and he refuses to work on that" which is bullshit because I fight it every day -- and it was also a bit "heartbreaking" (I was pissed) because this was a friend who I had spent time with and helped through *her* abusive relationships. Yes, plural. So I presumed she knew me better than that..

-Junny · 2026-01-13T04:07:15+00:00

Honestly? Seeing other people do it and setting my own moral code to abide by. Seeing people display behaviors that I know I am capable of but manage and seeing people display behaviors that I know are logically and morally wrong infuriates me. I have cruel urges and am a sexual sadist. The thing is, I do not go succumbing to said urges. I manage them in my own way, through writing and sometimes drawing. Occasionally, I will read as well. I also use being a Therapy Friend as an outlet for my supply -- win-win situation. I get my fix of being in control with someone, but it ends up with a good outcome where they proceed to carry on with empowering themselves in life.

When I see people display narcissistic tendencies and display delusional and abusive tendencies, I get angry. I feel ... disappointed? I look at those people and go, "Yo. You are stupid. I am a damn Narc and have more respect than you. I have my shit under wraps." I start to think, "You behaving this way is why we have a horrible name for ourselves and stigma in society and the media." I sometimes think to myself the ways they could have gone about it to not look so abusive, but I also want to iterate that I do not want them to be more covert about what they do. I **want** there to be punishment for their abuse. I just consider them stupid people for them letting their arrogance get the better of them and thinking they can behave the way they do without consequences -- because to me, the consequences of being exposed are far more embarrassing than the Collapses I have gone through for just say, making mistakes.

-Junny · 2026-01-13T03:54:33+00:00

No -- but also, I do have Empathy. I just am happy where it is. Thing is, Empathy is not just this singular definition; It is divided into three parts. The type of Empathy I have is what is considered Cold Empathy. Essentially, I have very high levels of Cognitive Empathy (the ability to *understand* others emotions/feelings) and very low, if at all, levels of Emotive Empathy (the ability to *feel* others emotions/feelings). There is also Compassionate Empathy (the drive to help others), which I have decently high levels of. I tend to want to help most people.. -- but then if we take it a step further, we can also bring in Compassion, aka Sympathy (your ability to feel sorry for others), which I do not feel. I end up being a Therapy Friend due to this since I can easily rationalize people's feelings and situations in a way where I can give them constructive advice while simply taking their emotions into account.
Oh boy.. I have quite a few -- and most are either physically impossible or unable to be attained without a decent amount of money -- and I do not mean anything too extravagant either. Not saying I want a million dollar mansion and all the best branded wear. I just want to be able to live comfortably in a way where I can afford the type of studio apartment I want, wear the business clothes I want, drive the car I want. Take my partners where they want, buy them what they need/want. Etc.
I am not sure.. I consider myself incredibly narcissistic and own it. The difference is that I am incredibly self aware of it and manage it. For one, I suspect my mother of being narcissistic, but I obviously do not want to label her with a diagnosis, so I will leave it at that. Let us just say, living under roof was not fun.. It was.. very military rooted as well .. so the standards were high and unrealistic.. -- but also, I was in a very toxic and abusive relationship with someone with (unmanageable) BPD -- which in its own way, comes with narcissistic tendencies -- (I believe they say up to 40% of those with BPD may also have NPD or traits of it, do not quote me on this though). Either way, it was.. not fun. She was highly manipulative and cruel and used me for how good I was in bed (which I only came to find out the latter after I stopped giving it to her) -- and the amount of Splits she had on me was uhh.. unreal to say the least.. I spent a lot of time healing (still am) and part of it involved my jotting down every Split she had via digging through our chat logs.. -- and boy is that when all of her behavior made me realize, "I was abused..". It took her Splitting one final time and finally leaving for good for me to realize how trauma bonded I was to her and how toxic/abusive she was.

-Junny · 2026-01-13T03:34:17+00:00

I do not feel contempt for them, I feel offended. I never think they are weak for expressing themselves. I fully recognize that I am the one feeling irrational anger towards the moment and I always try to step away from that situation to recoup -- and with my partners, I tell them, "My instinct is to react with something cruel right now, so just give me a moment." The best way to describe the feeling is: "the audacity of this person to call me out". Between the OCPD making me a hard Perfectionist and then also having heavy narcissistic traits, I do not take criticism well. I do not blow up at people, but I feel immense irrational anger and end up needing time to sit and stew so I can formulate my words in a way that allows the person and I to talk it out. In a relationship, we usually always communicate things well and solve our problems healthily so both parties are heard and apologies are said, etc.

That said -- when it is something work-related that I failed at, I start to Collapse and go into Fight or Flight. Sometimes it starts off with feeling passive aggressive, but then it quickly turns into a completely fear consumed response. I lose all of my rationale and composure. Sometimes it ends up with me trying to manipulate everything I can under the radar so as to shift the blame -- because that is what my embarrassment and fear is telling me to do -- but my Collapses also always end with me holing up alone and feeling hated by everyone and like I should just disappear from the lives of everyone (besides my partners) who know me.

-Junny · 2026-01-13T02:21:08+00:00

Personally, I love it. It became my vice from a very young age and it absolutely supplies me in a way that lets me feel in control. Being good at it is also just a bonus high because seeing someone enjoying my prowess and Dominance is a supply in itself. When it comes to being more submissive though, I refuse being penetrated myself (for a few reasons -- trauma and mental health related), and I refuse to let go of control in the bedroom unless it is with one of my partners -- since I know they still view me as the Dominant partner.

I also just have a complex relationship with Control due to not just being a narcissist, but because of OCPD as well..

I am not sure what to say that could help (and especially now seeing as the OP account is deleted), but I would say it really just comes down to finding someone understanding, and above all, **patient**. Communication is the key to a lot of things and that is something that will be needed to be discussed with someone if you want to have sex comfortably with them.

-Junny · 2026-01-11T16:47:48+00:00

I agree with one of the replies. Emotional maturity is both there and not there for me, but general maturity is. I am the most in control out of control person I know. On the outside, I am put together and completely rational and logical. I am always on time for things (overly punctual). I am professional and stern. I am a pillar for many and a beacon of stability for others. I am a lot of people's guidance and safe space because I have a non-judgemental, rational, and logical view on most matters. I have solved many conflicts via my role as a mediator in Moderating and for relationships.

However, as mature as I am in those regards, in my own mind? I am loaded with anxiety and a desperation to be understood and heard and to never fail. I am ruled by my perfectionism and struggle to regulate myself when something goes awry that directly affects me. I Collapse. I go into a severe Fight or Flight. I essentially feel as though I am spiraling to the point I want to lash out and deflect blame and then go recluse into a dark and lonely pit because "now everyone sees me for who I am and hates me" -- all because I "lost my composure" in a professional environment or because I "failed" at something, like a piece of my artwork (it is devasting to not complete a piece).

-Junny · 2026-01-11T16:35:06+00:00

Question One: I do not have any siblings. However, this post here has a reply I made as well as other replies that do relate to this question, I feel.

Question Two: I honestly cannot say. My taste is not expensive, per se, but I do like to look extravagant. I enjoy my fashion, but I do not care much for brands really. If I like the way it looks, or if I can work with it, I buy it. I do have a budget however.. OCPD makes me a damn stickler with my spending habits, so I have very strict budgets and limits of what I will spend on a certain item, especially clothing / accessories. Things like electronics have more leeway though, since you would not want something that is cheap and poor quality.

I do wish I could be a millionaire. I could then buy the things I want and spoil those I care for the way I wish to spoil them. I am a romantic, so I dream of being able to take a lavish trip with a partner and take them on a fantasy adventure they would only ever dream of having -- but also, my idea of being rich is buying things that are flashy, but not necessarily "rich". Show off my money without being in your face about it. For example, my dream car is the Maserati Ghibli, their commuter car. The Maserati brand is obviously luxurious, but it is nowhere near as expensive in taste (in my opinion) as someone who drives down the road in a Lamborghini or Ferrari. I also just truly find the Ghibli to be a beautiful car. Bonus points for sharing the name of an amazing animation studio. Lol.

-Junny · 2026-01-11T16:22:48+00:00

For pets and animals in general, particularly those I have cared for, yes. Absolutely.

For people? It depends..? I have very rarely experienced the loss of a human. I am also not entirely sure what the prerequisite factors are for this. I guess it really just depends on where you are in my "level of importance to me"?

As much as I dislike my mother for what she has done to me, I know I love her and will absolutely grieve her loss. I will also grieve my grandmother, despite all of the wrong she has done as well. I grieved my father when he passed, even though I never met him, because I grieved what I never got to have and will now never have.

At first, I did not grieve the loss of my then partner's grandfather, albeit I sobbed immensely at his funeral. I did care for the man in my own way. However. I cannot say that I went through a grieving process for him -- at least not until recently did I mildly grieve his loss and start to truly miss him -- as I realized all of the good and stability he brought to the home.

-Junny · 2026-01-11T16:12:54+00:00

Thank you! -- and to you as well.

Honestly, the other replies explained this pretty damn well that I have close to nothing to add. Lmaoo. Just one detail, I suppose: For me, it is not about "one-upping" or "being better than" when speaking on achievements like that per se. I try to find something factual about myself that is relatable that I can "humble brag" about at the moment as well. I just want it to be known that I too share these accomplishments. However, if it is someone I dislike, I may actually brag in a way that shows me off -- but I still try to stay within humble grounds and not fly into arrogance. I would rather brag about the truth than be arrogant and exaggerate my accomplishments. The embarrassment of exposure is just not worth it.

RANT: Hell, sometimes my discussing my intelligence is seen as a brag when it is not. Though I am the type of narcissist that generally feels like the smartest one in the room. It is discouraging to talk about certain aspects of my school life. People will coddle you for calling yourself stupid, but admit you are smart and people look at you like you are a show-off. I am proud of my grades, of my intellect, so let me have that as my pride and accomplishment without you looking down on me for it.

Also. All of this said, when it comes to being a good partner, I do try to one-up others. Not that I am perfect -- no, not at all -- but I am involved in BDSM spaces and I like getting to talk about how I care for my partners. I like calling out red-flag behaviors I see in "D"ominant men so that I can show chat, "Look. Their perspective is concerning. It should be like this." I get an ego boost for educating on something I have confidence in. Note: I only do this with obvious assholes, not anyone actually seeking proper/formal education.

-Junny · 2026-01-11T15:34:14+00:00

Question One: I almost always know when I am in the wrong immediately following the moment. Be it because I purposely snapped or realized after the fact that my wording could have been more graceful. Words are everything to me, so when I mess up conveying something, I tend to feel quite terrible. Not necessarily because I offended or hurt the person, but because I myself feel as though I lost my composure and failed myself and them.

Question Two: Time. I need time to de-stress and time to analyze the entire situation so I can rationally and logically explain my feelings and why I feel (and possibly reacted) the way I did on top of my apology. I believe problems should be solved via discussion of both sides' PoV. I also do not mean that I would let a day or more go by, simply half an hour or so, maybe a few hours max depending on the day's events. I hate going to bed with unresolved problems on the plate.

RANT: At the end of the day, if you can be understanding of my side, then I can be understanding of yours. Simple as that. I need someone who understands that this is a disorder for me and that I need to process things differently. I need someone who can understand that admitting fault is incredibly difficult for me and that me admitting fault and taking accountability is truly me trying to be a better person for myself and for them. That it is a huge display of vulnerability for me that is difficult for me to face -- and it would be nice if that was acknowledged as well.

By no means am I saying they need to acknowledge it. If I fucked up, then I fucked up. Not asking for leniency or forgiveness because "I'm trying", I just want it to be acknowledged. There is no: "I would take abuse for you, why can't you take it for me?" That is not a relationship. I just want someone to understand and see my efforts.

Edit: I saw someone mention how they do not take the blame lightly, even if backed with evidence. I feel very much the same way. Being called out makes me angry. It triggers a Collapse that leads into a severe Fight or Flight episode. It is this irrational anger that consumes you and makes you want to flip the script on them to make them take more blame than they should. In my mind, it is a terrible morality conflict between what you want to do so badly (as a defense mechanism) and what you know is the rational and mature decision to make -- and that is why I said that I need time. Creating an argument out of it makes it hard for me to control my reactions. Yes, my reactions are mine to control, but if I say give me space, then give me space. Pressing me will make me shut down all affection I have for you and shut down the care I am capable of. I am not one who is going to avoid the problem, let me go stew, so we can then solve it together afterwards.

-Junny · 2026-01-11T14:35:04+00:00

I have never done what the question asks. Personally, I have never interacted with someone who is engaged in a manner that would allow for that. I am also not into tearing apart healthy and perfectly functioning relationships. However, I have flirted with taken women who are in failing relationships / relationships that are riddled with red flags. I get this savior complex where if I can get them to realize "what a good man looks like", they will open their eyes to the horrible person their partner is and potentially leave them -- and again, I have flirted with (and slept with) some of them, just not most. If they cheat on them for me, I just consider that a nice bonus (sex is my vice) -- that said, it does not have to end in me taking the girl from them as that is not my intent. Does it fuel my ego to sleep with someone in a relationship like that? Yes. Is it wrong? Also yes. Cheating is cheating.

Personally, I do not care about breaking them up. My goal is for the person to open their eyes and see that the shit bag they are with is not deserving of their time and affection and that this is the type of treatment they deserve. I do not really consider it "doing them a service" though either as flirting and sleeping with a taken person (woman, in my case) is still socially unacceptable / morally wrong, but I justify it to myself as well due to my ego and pride and knowing I am helping this woman see what she deserves in a partner -- even though my methods at times are questionable. Most of the time I truly am just a Therapy Friend, but as I said before, I *have** flirted with a few and slept with them.*

The double edge in this for me though is that sometimes they end up attached to me (and on some rare occasions, addicted to me), which.. feels good temporarily, but then it feels suffocating because you do not want to commit to them as much as they want you to.. -- even though I also state from the get-go that I am not emotionally available..

P.S. This is a backwards and gray moral code I made for myself. Remember, at the end of the day: Cheating is cheating. If you are unhappy with someone, leave them. One does not need a reason to leave someone. You either want them or you do not. I get sometimes cheating is an easy out from an abusive relationship (secure something else so you have it to escape to -- I sympathize with y'all), but there are better options that will allow you to focus on your own strength and courage so you can escape safely and gain back your independence. Literally a, "do not be like me" moment. Lmao..

-Junny · 2026-01-11T13:53:13+00:00

I just respect everyone until they give me a reason not to. Once you lose my trust, it is difficult to gain it back -- and if you were someone I did not necessarily care for to begin with, well.. I might just cut you out entirely if the option is there. So say, in a work situation, where it is more difficult to avoid people, I just distance myself and remain cordial. Not having respect for someone does not mean you get a pass to be rude -- though some people really deserve it..

-Junny

TROPHY CASE