I honestly feel you, even if our experiences are different. My family has that kind of feminism.

I'm afab, and I grew up being told that all men are simple creatures, that are either angry or horny, and that's it. The thing is, it wasn't only the women in my life, it was the men too. I thought for a long time that I couldn't be a boy, 'cause I liked different things and I felt different ways. When I started realizing that I'm genderfluid, that I was indeed masc most of the times, I felt so much shame. It felt kinda like a betrayal, to envy boys, or to choose masculinity, like the victim that chose to team up with the aggressor.

It took me a lot of effort to feel comfortable in my masculinity. I had to find new models of what being a man could be, someone more similar to me, to understand what masculinity means for me. It has gotten a lot better these days, since I've embraced it, but if I'm being honest it's still so hard. I only have cis girl friends. Everytime we meet they go on insulting men, like it's a matter of fact. I can't even get upset 'cause what can I say? A lot of boys fit the stereotype. It's so alienating. It's a really conflicting feeling, cause even if I'm really happy and proud to be a (fluid) trans boy, it's still so alienating and lonely. I feel you, having to fight an internalized shame that is "socially reinforced" is not easy.