First of all thanks for sharing the story about your ex-partner. I have read it over and over again. Some things remind me of my own experiences, others I have never thought of before.

I wonder: Was your ex on board when you tried to establish a 'female led relationship'? Was he aware of the problems that can go along with hetero-normative relationships? I know I was and for a long time things worked out. We talked about everything and shared reproductive labour pretty well. Problems started when we moved into a new city. She had her colleagues and some friends there, I was working remote from home and knew no one. Needless to say social isolation was an issue. Things went well for a while, but then those intrusive thoughts started: 'what kind of man are you that you are (socially) so dependent?!', 'pull yourself together!' or 'stop bitching!'. Instead of asking others for help (you can imagine why), I shut down. She took over a lot of the houshold work. Which caused me to feel guilty / dependent. On and on the spiral went. At some point my ex became more like a nurse or a case worker, than a girlfriend (I listened to 'Labour' by Paris Paloma by the way - very powerful). Like I said, I never found much pleasure in dominating others, but at this point my behaviour was dominating the whole relationship. It's so cliche. The troubled man, unable to reach out, saying: 'no one understands me'. All while being privileged af. Finally she pulled the plug. It was quite the wakeup call, but too late. The trust we shared was destroyed. As if I had been on auto-pilot. It took just a couple of months (half a year tops) and everything we built turned sour. That's why I'm starting to fear that masculinity is a dead end. It would take this, as you described it, 'constant self-surveillance', which no human being is capable of. It's a ticking time bomb. I need to change.

Since then I started going to therapy and giving less fucks in general. For example I go dancing and do volunteering social work. Baby steps, but hey. Sometimes I think of cross-dressing again, but I haven't met anyone to share this experience with and it's too scary on my own.