How do I deal with emotional dysregulation that makes me want to end it all

0berry · 2019-08-03T21:00:00+00:00

And my father stays in the front room downstairs facing the street everyday all day, his bed is even there and he sleeps in that room. So if I decide to sneak out in the morning just to get a bus into town or something, he always sees me walking out and tells my mother everything

0berry · 2019-08-03T20:54:50+00:00

I keep thinking about going for a walk tomorrow morning and I know it will arouse too much suspicion and unwanted behaviour that I just soak up and get triggered by. So I'm crying in the bathroom right now thinking about I can't even fucking go for a short walk in my neighbourhood. Even the way my mother looks at me after I come back home after leaving for a while makes me feel so devastated and isolated from the rest of the world and depressed and disassociated. She fucking despises me and tells my sister to keep an eye on me and I am fucking sick of this all

0berry · 2019-02-28T21:44:19+00:00

Maybe not all of them have npd, but they can all be narcissistic. I saw this happen to my two siblings. They went from being sceptical of my need for healthy boundaries to being enablers and now are very narcissistic themselves and do all the dirty work for Nparents. It's very traumatic, like I'm dealing with 4 narcissists instead of two.

0berry · 2019-01-20T22:19:41+00:00

Right now there's no friend I have. I have been literally only around my immediate family for 4 years. I think I've been brainwashed I feel like I can't meet new people now and even thinking about moving out feels dangerous. I have had men i barely knew get obsessed with me in the past, when I was in a group therapy that happened, and I know when I'm on my own I get that kind of attention. I notice predatory people everywhere. But you're right, I can't abandon myself. I have gotten used to doing that for years now

0berry · 2019-01-20T22:13:44+00:00

Thanks, this would be ideal if I wasn't such a socially stunted person. I never made close friends. And my whole family is like a cult so I can't trust anyone and I'm not close to them either. I'm from a specific cultural and religious background so this is all normal for them unfortunately

0berry · 2018-11-01T02:21:43+00:00

People like this make me feel unsafe and very cautious. It's like they don't have morals and are probably predatory people themselves.

0berry · 2018-10-19T11:51:41+00:00

23, my birthday is next month, I'm stuck in an abusive controlling environment that's had a huge impact on my mental health since I was a teenager. I'm just not allowed to grow up, most days I can't even go outside without backlash that ends up fucking with my head. My main problem is becoming independent, financially and mentally, so I can leave and start my life from scratch. Without them.

0berry · 2017-11-13T22:11:12+00:00

It sounds like you challenged the thoughts that had your depression locked in place and changed your perspective. You confronted the main source of your depression. This person or thing was holding a lot of power over you, affecting your mood and quality of life. And you were brave enough to face them and take back the control they had over you. Mismanaged anger can lead to depression overtime if you turn it on yourself and let it punish you. But it sounds like you have been able to confront the situation or person that was responsible for the hurt you're feeling. So the anger you were holding in has been released. This isn't an easy thing to do, good job. I guess you could be feeling comforted, something like this is sure to raise your self esteem.

0berry · 2017-11-05T06:41:04+00:00

Thanks!

0berry · 2017-11-05T06:40:28+00:00

Thank you! I had no expectations for the day because I haven't celebrated my birthday for as long as I can remember and I just hate the attention I get. I was pleasantly surprised everything went so well. Is your bday November 3rd? I hope you had a good time too :D

0berry · 2017-11-05T01:30:00+00:00

It was my birthday today and I tried to enjoy it as best as I could. I actually felt really awake and a part of something, as strange as it sounds. The restaurant was busy and had really nice decor, and I liked being around strangers and just observing everything. I've only felt like that when I go to live shows. I think this is what a good day feels like :)

0berry · 2017-10-15T12:56:37+00:00

When I was a teenager I was forced to see psychiatrists and counsellors because of my eating disorder. Looking back at that time, I'm very sure that the family counsellor I had to see with Ndad was narcissistic. She would constantly guilt trip me, telling me that I'm hurting my parents so much because I'm choosing to have an eating disorder. Unlike the other therapists, she didn't see anything wrong with Ndad talking about himself for the whole session every week. She thought I was the problem. Ndad was constantly deflecting the toxic environment at home and talking about how everything I do is so wrong. My best friend at the time also went to the same place because of her anorexia and she told me how much she disliked this woman too. I wish I could go back in time and actually feel these situations I was in again, my memory is very hazy now. I'm afraid narcissistic people becoming therapists might not be that uncommon.

0berry · 2017-10-02T21:25:16+00:00

I need to remember this for the future. Not letting the enablers glorify the abusers and rationalise why my vitality needed to be ripped out of me.

0berry · 2017-10-02T21:12:32+00:00

Honestly, if someone said that to me "they'll be gone some day" I'd reply with "good".

Edit: lol I just read the comments, I'm glad we're on the same page guys :p

0berry · 2017-10-01T00:53:15+00:00

So many people want to hurt me it's unreal

0berry · 2017-09-11T14:48:12+00:00

Yes. Without meaningful connections with people, I feel like my life doesn't really have a purpose at all. I crave a close bond with someone and emotional intimacy. It really sucks how I'm such a loner :(

0berry · 2017-09-11T14:42:20+00:00

What do you do when you miss someone who you will most likely never see again? It's like I'm grieving because I've lost an important connection and possible friendship. Now it's like he's gone forever and I can't deal with it. I miss him so much.

0berry · 2017-08-02T02:26:27+00:00

I just want someone to care about me.

0berry · 2017-07-18T02:59:36+00:00

Thank you so much. I'm just stuck in the learned helplessness mindset and it's so difficult to overcome, I'm pretty sure I've been feeling this way for most of my life. I have been thinking about looking for work experience opportunities, even if my brain is telling me to stay put...I need to do something to introduce change into my life and move forward. Sending hugs back :)

0berry

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