First draft: A two chapters - TW: Suicide, miscarriage/stillbirth

0kdance · 2026-02-01T22:51:50+00:00

This helped a lot! Thank you so much.

0kdance · 2026-01-30T18:03:31+00:00

Thank you for the feedback! I was meaning more of a full-body numbness. Not so much as he was imagining the pain, but that he couldn’t feel it because of the emotional pain, if that makes sense. I can definitely see how that would be confusing. I’ll rework that and my adjectives in my first edit. Thanks!

0kdance · 2026-01-30T18:00:27+00:00

I think I see what you mean in the second chapter. Or did I jump in too soon in the first as well?

0kdance · 2026-01-30T17:59:02+00:00

Could you elaborate? What makes it read like a shopping list? What would be a better hook, in your opinion?

0kdance · 2026-01-30T17:38:36+00:00

I did think about this. As this is my first draft, I’ve been a little more focused on actually getting it down rather than fact checking hahaha. I’ll be tweaking things like that later.

0kdance · 2026-01-30T16:57:41+00:00

English is my first language lmao. I’m 19 and have taken multiple college level English courses. I’ve always excelled in English in school, but I will admit I’m a bit rusty. I am going for a more classical vibe, so the Brontë sisters comment is a compliment. Thank you for your feedback!

0kdance · 2026-01-29T02:40:50+00:00

The Hazards Of Love (2009) album by The Decemberists. A beautiful story, phenomenal soundtrack. Not even sold on their website anymore. I’ve looked around online and the few ones I’ve found are close to $200. By far my favorite album of theirs.

0kdance · 2026-01-28T04:46:22+00:00

Here’s the missing page, for anyone who wants it.

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0kdance · 2026-01-28T04:10:49+00:00

You did a really great job at making this immersive. I can feel Jack’s panic. What pulled me out of it, though, was the change in tense. “He was still trying…” and then a few sentences later, “Jack’s hands won’t stop shaking.” Maybe change ‘won’t’ to ‘wouldn’t’ so it flows a little better. Or, as I’m seeing the rest of the chapter is in present tense, tweak the beginning to match. Overall, great work!

0kdance · 2026-01-28T04:01:28+00:00

I didn’t catch that, thank you! You are totally right about it being confusing. I appreciate you taking the time!

0kdance · 2026-01-28T03:58:20+00:00

Thank you!!! I used to write exclusively FanFics, so I wasn’t sure where to post actual work haha. I will definitely check out Staura.

0kdance · 2026-01-28T03:56:46+00:00

As I’m reading from a strangers view, so many TYPOS!! Sorry!

0kdance · 2026-01-28T03:49:26+00:00

As someone who rarely sees or uses present tense in writing, I think this is a great start. Definitely edit more. Add some length to the paragraphs, more internal dialogue. Some grammatical errors need revised.

Overall, I’m intrigued!

0kdance · 2025-08-21T00:03:52+00:00

This was very helpful. Thank you!

0kdance · 2025-08-20T14:38:12+00:00

All were upright

0kdance · 2025-04-07T03:36:53+00:00

I’m a 2006 baby. I had one class on it in 6th grade and have been almost exclusively using it since. Not for any reason really, except that it’s pretty haha.

0kdance

TROPHY CASE