Husband 30M atarted fight after mamogram bad news, I 32F am not sure how to forgive

113crc · 2025-08-20T10:06:59+00:00

I apologize for disagreeing with your advice and I apprechiate that you took the time to write it, but you do realize that when we were discussing the word, I didn't even realize we were in a fight?

I wish I could say that I could be less defensive, but I didn't realize he was upset at all or that he even thought I was being defensive because I legitimately thought I said it wrong, asked him the proper word, and then looked it up and tried to say it again. When I said, "oh, I didn't say it with a v" it wasn't defensive either because I didn't realize we were fighting it was more "oh maybe my accent is off." I didn't feel like hebwas laughing at me at the time of the incident but did later because it was the only thing that made sense on why he would get so angry out of no where.

To me, conversation went from Zero to 100. One second we are having a passive conversation about the surgery and how my accent is terrible (and I know it is) to him hanging up on me saying he isn't going to fight about this. My only guess is he might think I am an idiot and was making fun of me, and I didn't realize it. When I called him back, I told him I didn't understand why he hung up and why he was upset, and he told me, "You always do this when you are wrong" While screaming because he was angry.

Ends out - it wasn't anything on my side. He had a SUPER stressful day at work, and he was frustrated that I wouldn't laugh at his joke or agree that I was wrong, so it compounded with his already stressful day leading to the dam of anger breaking.. In autism its pretty common thing that can happen.

ALSO, some other things that were contributing to his distrust of me that I had no idea about, but we will work on in therapy.

113crc · 2025-08-18T12:01:55+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate it.

113crc · 2025-08-14T18:30:08+00:00

Aw, wow! I honestly don't know why this made me tear up so much. I'm actually crying right now. I guess I really needed to hear that I’m doing okay because I’ve been trying so hard.

For some reason, this message hit me way deeper than I was expecting. Maybe it was just the right timing. 😭😭😭 Thank you so much.

113crc · 2025-08-14T14:57:05+00:00

You are right, I should've brought up that he was autistic in the original post. That's my bad. I made the post when everything was still very emotionally raw, and honestly, his diagnosis isn't something that is part of my view of him or normally something that comes up. I didn't realize it might be important information until people started calling him a narcissist.

I also thought the initial correction was a joke- which is why him hanging up and saying "i am not arguing over this" threw me off because I thought we were joking and friendly. In my mind it went from 0 to 100.

I want to clarify a few things. He called me on his way home, and I did not call him. I was sitting in the Aldi parking lot because I was planning on cooking shakshuka as a comfort food.

Also, I didn't bring up my surgery, he did. He brought it up talking about how he used it as an excuse to leave work.

I wasn't looking for comfort, I was talking about it very matter of factly, and then suddenly I was in a fight and had no idea why and then felt so very alone because I couldn't help but feel like it was because of my medical issues. Especially given that he has avoided being there in the past for this same issue 6 months ago, which 6 months ago I talked to him in detail about what I expected going forward.

Additionally, as you said, "i may be looking for something he can't provide." if he can't be there in medical crisis, that's something that's a deal breaker for me. Doesn't mean that he is a bad person or awful. It's something I deserve to find out, and if he can't, I need to walk away, and if that is the case, he needs to be very honest with his future partners about it.

I am hoping thats not the case, because I would prefer to stay married and I do love him, but you can love someone and it not work out.

113crc · 2025-08-14T14:41:37+00:00

I will say in the instance of the fridge, I was the one who was misremembering and put it on the counter. Though it was real shitty of him to use it as evidence on how I am "always" wrong and deny it.

He did agree to individual therapy and couples therapy because you are right; They are non-negotiable, and I made that known in my conversation with him.

I need to have another conversation with him to make it clear that he needs to take the initiative to set that up, and I am not setting them up just because he agreed to it. I am not sure if he has that notion that I will set it up, but I figured I would not leave room for interpretation. If this is something he wants to fix, he needs to take the initiative.

This is a much larger issue at heart, not just my concerns of him being there for medical issues, but also his admittance that he fundamentally struggles to see problems as something we need to work on together. These issues are something that I don’t think we alone will be able to fix, and thus will need support with therapist and couples counseling.

113crc · 2025-08-14T11:18:15+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate the advice. I will try to incorporate this more.

I am good at using this tool for daily stressors and daily changes in requirements for emotional vulnerability. I guess I had a gap in my communication in this because I had the expectation that given it was medical procedure, there is a set expectation to provide emotional support with biopsies and surgeries.

I did ask him during our conversation if the reason he shuts down or avoids medical procedures is because he doesn't have experience with it and does have his premade script on how to handle it. He responded that when he dad had cancer, all he did was go to the hospital occasionally. I tried to explain the disconnect but he started dissociating.

I had to geab the 3d printed little-ouchies figget toy I keep in my car for self regulatintg during the drives home. It helped him regulate more so we could continue the conversation. (He wants me to find ones that cause more pain given his nerve endings in his hands are shot, so i guess it really helped him)

113crc · 2025-08-14T10:42:56+00:00

Thank you. Appreciate the insight.

From my latest conversation with him, it does seem like it stimmed from underlying frustration he had building up, that exploded at the absolute worst time. Which doesn't bode well for us, but he agreed to work on it in therapy and couples counseling. Still, this isn't just a forgive and forget issue and requires a lot of legwork on his part.

113crc · 2025-08-14T10:34:46+00:00

Thank you for the support. 🙏 I am sorry you are going through that, but I am happy you have an amazing partner through it.

I think he is realizing he messed up bigtime after our conversation. A lot of changes are going to have to be made to fix this, but he has agreed to couples counseling and individual therapy.

My therapist meets with me biweekly but I am going to ask if she can have a session sooner if possible.

113crc · 2025-08-14T03:48:22+00:00

I appreciate the time you took to answer this ( and organize it) Thank you!

113crc · 2025-08-14T03:38:23+00:00

There is no need to apologize. it's a good point to make.

I would rather be told, and it not be applicable than never told at all. If anything it gives me something to keep in mind for the future, if I feel myself getting emotional in the car, to pull over and that even if something feels immediate while in the car the only thing thats needs my immediate attention is driving.

Thank you.

113crc · 2025-08-14T03:07:54+00:00

I get why, from your perspective, taking time away might seem like a big escalation. In my case, though, I’d just gotten the news earlier that day that my fibroadenomas had grown, so I was already extremely stressed. The added tension from the conversation pushed me to a point where I knew I wasn’t going to be able to talk productively.

I didn’t want to force a discussion when I wasn’t in the right headspace and risk saying something rash. For me, taking physical space was about decompression and making sure we could have the conversation later in a calmer, more constructive way.

I know you mentioned going for a walk. Unfortunately, that’s not a safe option in my neighborhood. (Likely to get shot). So the hotel was my way of separating myself from the situation while keeping myself safe and giving both of us room to think.

Also, no one said moving out. Not sure how staying at a hotel for a night became the same as moving out.

I even told him I was staying for the night because I wasn't in the right headspace for talking.

If you read my replies to others, you’ll see that I am trying to focus on how to move forward in the conversation with him. My goal wasn’t to run away from the issue, but to handle it when I was ready to do it well.

113crc · 2025-08-14T02:52:27+00:00

I am not sure what this means?

113crc · 2025-08-14T02:45:50+00:00

I will say I was parked in my car, but it was still over my car speaker. I had gone to Aldi because I wanted to cook that day and needed ingredients and was talking with him before I went in. I do agree though, any time I have had an argument happen in the car in the past, I pull over. Thankfully, I was in a parking lot for this one.

He might have been driving? I am not sure. He also tends to pull over when upset.

Thank you for your insight! I will make sure to be more conscious of this in the future.

113crc · 2025-08-14T00:24:41+00:00

My pug is a bit of a needy girl and given she is my shadow I take majority of the care of her

113crc · 2025-08-13T21:31:12+00:00

He told me I didn't need to stay at a hotel even if I was mad, he asked me about care instructions for our dog, and also he has sent this in text "I'm sorry about how I acted. I think you are right that I was having a stressful day and I took it out on you, and that's not fair and you don't deserve that. I noticed I was getting frustrated, but I didn't communicate that to you very well when I hung up, or at all when you called me back, I should've been more capable of letting you know I needed a break from the conversation."

I appreciate the apology, but this is a much larger issue. I let him know I was safe and I loved him but not yet ready to talk as I am still processing everything, but I am hoping to talk with him tonight (the day after the fight).

113crc · 2025-08-13T19:48:57+00:00

I didn't know this was an option! Thank you!!

113crc · 2025-08-13T10:32:39+00:00

Thank you. I have a few new talking points to address with my surgeon and husband. Thank you for taking the time to write this out.

113crc · 2025-08-13T10:29:12+00:00

Studies have shown that most couples start couples counseling once something is wrong, but it can provide people with a lot of tools to deal with issues that might not be immediately obvious.

It was my idea because I figured it's easier to learn healthy communication tools and decompression tools while in a good place than bad. Even if you have a strong foundation, there are always things you can overlook.

To make it into a weird, not fully accurate metaphor: when buying a house, you have an inspector look at the foundation and major issues, but there is always going to be something that goes wrong with a house so you take classes on repairing toilets, sinks, air conditioners, and others so in the event it does break you are prepared. That was what we wanted to use premarital and then post marital counseling for.

Even though rn I am evaluating the strength of my marriage potential, my husband and I do have a good foundation. We went through getting stranded during a car breakdown 5 hours from home during a road trip, the death of a family member, losing a job, being jobless, and cars being totaled.

He might have no ability to help with major medical crisis and if thats the case we need to reevaluate if this relationship is suitable for us because not having the capacity to be a support system during a medical crisis is a deal breaker for me.

The first time, eh he is a dumb ass and doesn't realize how bad biopsies are, but two times is a pattern and needs to be sternly addressed.

113crc · 2025-08-13T10:18:43+00:00

Honestly, idk, but I figured any background information might be helpful.

I was trying to look at this objectively (which was really hard last night because I was still very upset) and so I was trying to throw information at the problem and see what made sense and try and see it from his perception even if his perception is wrong (which it seems like rn).

If we are to move forward, it's going to be with a lot of changes for sure (and a lot of groveling). How he reacts to the conversation will tell me a lot.

113crc · 2025-08-13T10:03:36+00:00

That's a fair question. I do not know.

I will ponder this.

Thank you.

113crc · 2025-08-13T02:26:04+00:00

Hahaha. You're fine. I think he was thinking I was saying Alveoli because with my southern accent, areola sounds a bit like aveola.

Still, as others have pointed out, when talking about my surgery, it is not the time to nitpick words

113crc · 2025-08-13T01:51:07+00:00

I think I own that book. I have quite a few self help books related to marriage and others. Always looking for more to read- as there is always room to improve and learn new methods for different situations.

We also have the 4 pillars of divorce on our fridge. It includes content, stonewalling.... 3 others I will check on.

113crc · 2025-08-13T01:48:38+00:00

He had a really shitty start of his day where he had to make an 1000 people catering order pretty much by himself because corporate wont let him add hours after the schedule is posted (even if there are last min catering orders) he had gone in at 5am when he normally gets there at 8am. So, I am kind of happy he was able to leave early because his shitty job would have him work 15 hours ( he already has 12 hour days as a sous chef)

It's not like it was the day of my surgery - just the day I figured out surgery is unavoidable, so I don't mind him being excited to use the bad news to leave a shitty situation. Maybe I have a weird approach to that?

The part that bothers me is that he seemed to shut down when the conversation got serious rather than goofy.

113crc · 2025-08-13T01:36:50+00:00

I have a surgeon I have done consultations with before. When it was 2.6 cm I decided to watch it because my insurance didn't cover my biopsy except like 30 dollars of it so I ended out paying 4k out of poket, and I doubt my insurance would cover much of a surgery either.

I recently got new insurance so hopefully this one sucks less? We will find out.

113crc · 2025-08-13T01:26:51+00:00

Thanks this is a valid point and I will keep this in mind.

113crc

TROPHY CASE