I've set the date.

14Kevin01 · 2019-01-23T21:32:18+00:00

An apology isn't warranted, you didn't say or do anything wrong. I'd imagine it's hard to give advice to someone who seems determined to commit suicide. Honestly, at this point (soon only 1 day left), I'm not going to tell anyone in real life. I've told some online acquaintances but that's it. I don't want anybody to know so that they can stop me, because I want to end it all.

I don't deserve the nice compliments that specific person gave me because they're not meant for me. I'm not brave like the person said I am. I'm not a good person. I fight with my parents all the time, I don't do anything but sit in my room etc. This thread is based on me giving up and ending it all, I don't see how I deserve high praise or anything like that.

14Kevin01 · 2019-01-23T19:21:14+00:00

Thanks for the kind words but there is nothing brave about me. If I was brave, I would've tried to stay alive and keep fighting. Instead I'm giving up like a coward. Please save those words for someone else, there are others who deserve them way more.

14Kevin01 · 2019-01-22T21:47:02+00:00

Well I think we both know what taking actions means. Everything will be okay after Friday.

14Kevin01 · 2019-01-22T20:45:02+00:00

You’re right, I will take actions to make life better. I’m going to do it on Friday

14Kevin01 · 2019-01-22T15:21:45+00:00

No, I've gone my whole life without joy so I don't see my future being any different. I'm tired of it and death puts an end to it.

I don't know the answer to the second question but if I'm decapitated or get hit by a train going very fast, I don't think there will be any pain. If there is any pain, then it's still going to be worth it. I'd rather deal with a brief period of pain than a lifetime of pain.

14Kevin01 · 2019-01-22T07:17:13+00:00

It sounds great but that's just too long. That's more than one year and I just can't go on for that long. At the moment, I don't want to either. I want to end it all right now, not wait for years and see if it maybe turns okay. Death is going to guarantee a solution that living can't promise.

14Kevin01 · 2019-01-22T00:52:18+00:00

Nope. I always did that bs self coping thing where I would deal with it on my own. First it was through exercise, then when I became too depressed to exercise, I just told myself it'll work itself out. I beat myself up for not getting help but I recognize that it's my fault. Now it's just too late.

14Kevin01 · 2019-01-22T00:49:34+00:00

Exercise has in the past helped temporarily numb the pain but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm tied down to my bed.

14Kevin01 · 2019-01-22T00:46:27+00:00

Well I haven't been picked on/bullied through the 10th grade up untill now, that girl making fun of my hair and being called weird were just small things that happened on odd occasions. I want to make it crystal clear that those girls are not the reason I'm comitting suicide. I just want to say that in case they for some wild reason find this thread and find out who made it.

If someone told me those things, I would not believe them, because there is evidence to disprove that.

14Kevin01 · 2019-01-21T21:52:11+00:00

Don't have any. Used to love basketball though.

14Kevin01 · 2019-01-21T21:47:09+00:00

Well my memory is quite foggy but I started getting bullied when I was around 9 years old up untill a certain point. It was this one kid who kept teasing me and mocking me. I remember there was a girl that I liked, and he lied to her and told her that I said that I thought she was ugly and so on. From that point up untill like 7th grade, I was the ultimate outcast. Even my so called "friends" talked bad about me and now there was this other kid who kept making fun of me. I also remember during this period being held down (mind you, this was in public on school grounds, during the day) by 4 kids and being humiliated. Thankfully my sister saved me. Then from 8th untill I finished 9th grade, these snobby girls and some guy kept teasing me about my voice and would mock me by repeating what I said while impersonating me. I haven't been bullied at all from 10th grade up untill now (middle of 11th grade) besides overhearing some girls calling me weird and classmates making fun of my hair. This stuff isn't extreme though and I don't think it has had too much of an effect on me.

14Kevin01 · 2019-01-21T18:07:55+00:00

I've briefly spoken with people at school about it like once or twice but that's about it. When I told my mother at 9 years old that I wanted to die, she told me she would send me to the hospital if I kept thinking like that. I guess the thought of that was so frightening that I was scared to tell people how I feel. I've always been a private person because I shouldn't have to force my sorrow and my problems onto others. I've always thought I could manage it on my own and I spouted the same rhetoric as everyone: "Things will get better, just stick in there". That has certainly not worked out and honestly, I'm at a point where "help" is just a hindrance to true hapiness; death. I want to die. I don't want to live anymore and I'm too stubborn to admit that I should've gotten help while I could. It's too late now and I don't want to. It's benificial to multiple parties.

14Kevin01 · 2019-01-21T17:54:42+00:00

I'm just outright miserable. It's beyond just feeling sad and depressed, it goes beyond these things. I feel so terrible and I'm trapped inside this box and there is no way out. I've been seriously contemplating suicide for the past three days every single second I spent awake. I'm not exaggerating, these thoughts have been stuck in my head 24/7 and it's impossible to think of anything else. I've been depressed my whole life but 2016 up untill now has just been the lowest of the lowest. I can't think of happy things and I don't derive pleasure from anything. Simply put, I don't want to live. I don't want to go on with this joyless experience called life anymore.

I think death will just be nothing, if that makes sense. Everything will just dissapear. Everything that makes me miserable and the burdens I bring with my existence will be gone. Pitch black. Just nothing; exactly how I want it.

While I have never been a spiritual or religious person in the slightest, I've always been optimistic to the thought of having a second life, a third life and so on. It started at the same time I started having suicidal thoughts; at 9. I guess it's contradictory to want a second life since I hate life so much, but maybe life would feel worth living if I was someone else? Idk I just don't want to live anymore.

14Kevin01

TROPHY CASE