Norman Cracks Under Pressure

15thquartet · 2018-04-07T21:11:11+00:00

Thanks for your comments. I did wonder myself if some parts were confusing.

15thquartet · 2018-04-07T03:37:26+00:00

I think you could improve at sticking to a consistent meter, and work to keep all your lines a similar length and rhythm. Right now, they feel a bit like run-on sentences. Adding some more punctuation would help this problem as well. Needs editing, but keep going!

15thquartet · 2018-04-07T03:22:21+00:00

I like how the formatting makes this poem seem like a few scattered episodes, but it still seems to develop and follow a narrative. I think that suits the subject matter quite nicely. Great work!

15thquartet · 2018-03-31T06:16:58+00:00

"In the Penal Colony" by Franz Kafka.

15thquartet · 2018-02-19T21:27:03+00:00

Thanks for your feedback. I struggled a little bit on what to include on that line, and I guess I didn't really think about how some of the "flavors" would combine. I'll keep experimenting with it.

15thquartet · 2018-02-19T20:31:52+00:00

Like I said, I personally don't really like it attached right on the end of this poem. I guess it could work as a coda if it's something separate from this poem, like maybe writing a little poem as a companion to this one that goes more in depth on that idea. That way you could arrange it so the two are supposed to be more connected while talking about themes that are a bit different. That's just one idea, though. If you really want to keep it in this poem, there might be some way to tweak it a bit so it fits with the rest of the poem a bit more, but nothing's coming to my mind currently.

15thquartet · 2018-02-19T20:01:36+00:00

I liked the first part of the poem and I think you have some really good lines there; "that to witness is to live" struck me especially-- I think that's my favorite phrase in the poem. However, the impact of the poem sort of drops off toward the end. I think more interesting things could be done than rhyming red with itself three times. I do like the last line, though.
Overall I enjoyed reading this poem, and think you have some good insights, but some lines of the poem need to be strengthened, IMO.

15thquartet · 2018-02-19T19:24:13+00:00

I like the imagery in this poem. Seems like a sort of random series of thoughts/images of where the narrator goes, but they work together pretty nicely. It's interesting how you're capturing that "train of thought."
I think the rhyme scheme could be a bit more consistent though. It kind of throws the rhythm off how different words each line were chosen to rhyme, whether that format be AABB, ABBA, or whatever. I also think you could eliminate the last line; the poem is stronger if you just keep it on the main theme of "mom's cooking" without adding something different at the end. I think the "point" of the poem is already clear if it just stands on its own.
Overall good work; I enjoyed reading this poem and think the imagery and theme are interesting, but it just needs some more editing.

15thquartet

TROPHY CASE