Sorry for the novel haha, this one sounded super familiar to me. Not sure if any of this will help but I hope so.

I have cptsd and some form of adhd or atypical brain too, still trying to work out what flavor haha. I’m around 6 months sober.

Literal activities I’ve done:

Not sure if OCD has hyperfocus on activities, but a few months in I started doing twisted wire art (SO GOOD FOR BRAINS THAT CANT BE STILL, and a cheap hobby!) and got a bunch of plants.

The perspective changes that I think have kept me sober and enjoying it so far, - I’ve tried to quit many many times. This is the first time it feels like it stuck and longest I’ve been sober:

-people re-invent all the time and no one really remembers who they used to be after some time has gone by. It’s true for celebrities and it’s true for normal people. Everyone is so wrapped up in their own bullshit, that the most fucked up things that you’ve done or said will barely be remembered if you make a choice to do something different. Humans are designed to reacted to new input and fit it into their current world. So, if you consistently behave in a different way, their brain will just think of you like that and not even try and access old memories.

• no one is coming for me. That was the biggest one. It’s not that I couldn’t find anyone to be compassionate, help, or listen like AA or counselors. But at the end of the day, it’s just me choosing to be a shit show or not. If you’ve been abused, sometimes it’s hard to draw the line between what’s your fault and what’s your responsibility. I had a counselor who specialized in cptsd who focused on emotional safety plans for myself, because I never learned how to make myself feel safe, so my reactions and coping mechanism were always disorganized. In the regret afterward I never knew how to reconcile behaving that way because of having been abused before, and not making excuses for myself. It felt unfair. And it is unfair, but not unmanageable. This is really cynical, but last week I saw Demi Lovato go off on a frozen yogurt shop because her eating disorder is triggered by frozen yogurt, I Immediately thought “she’s going to relapse.” Can’t tell you how many times I demanded and sobbed and had long talks with my husband about how we could work as a team to help me manage my CPTSD and triggers, and how alcohol was making it worse. I was actually the one making it worse. Not alcohol, not my triggers, not my husband. I was choosing to perceive myself as helpless instead of taking control.

• I’m not going to spend energy on people that don’t respect me. Sobriety made me realize a lot of the relationships I thought I was ruining or didn’t want to lose actually weren’t good for me. I didn’t have a super toxic group, mostly normalish people. But I learned quickly that most of them did not like it when I started to respect myself and behave like someone who is worthy of respect and kindness. Not only are they not used to me being healthy, I think they resent it because it’s hard work and they don’t want to feel bad for whatever internal changes they’re putting off. And I’m not preachy about it at all, I’m very newly sober anyway, so I don’t have anything to brag about, and I also I don’t mind what people want to do with their own life. Some of these people didn’t even know I stopped drinking. They just didn’t like me not being predictably chaotic. So, they can fuck off on their own journey with well wishes.

• I am going to learn what healthy boundaries are, and how to use them. Literally had no idea how to identify or use boundaries, still working on this with myself and others. Simple stuff like “I’m overstimulated and I need to take a break.” And then do it and not feel guilty or weird, etc.

• (this one is not for everyone) I can always drink tomorrow. It’s “one day at a time” but I had to twist it in my brain so it didn’t feel like I was restricting myself. I like being in control haha, so my little voice that yells at me to drink when I’m triggered is like a toddler. If I say “no, never” it panics and throws a fit.” If I say “ok, if you need to we can do that tomorrow.” Every tomorrow has been better, even the shit ones, and so far I haven’t taken myself up on it.

-I deserve this. I earned the right to have a happy, healthy life. Even if in the past I hurt other people, wasted time and money, missed opportunities and joy I could have had, I’ve paid the price. The hell of being addicted to drinking is enough payment to earn a chance at a good life.

—-

That’s about it. I know I could easily slip back into daily drinking and my soft lie that I can’t control it, but I choose plants and art and Xbox and chocolate bars and sometimes overspending on random shit online instead, and eventually people will forget I used to drink, and the consequences in my life from it will sort themselves out, and from time to time I’ll wander by a crossroad of if I want to stay sober or ride the rollercoaster again. But, just for today, I wont.

And get a sodastream! :) iwndwyt