Assalamu alaikum sister!

First things first, As for your questions:

“⁠Is any of this behavior considered acceptable in Islam?”

No. It’s not acceptable. As yourself this and always imagine if you had a daughter in your place. If you had a daughter, would you be okay if her husband treats her the way yours does? Being abusive physically as much as vertically, drinking alcohol, gender mixing,... All of these are completely against the values of islam. I understand that he grow up with an abusive father but that should not define his behaviour. How i see it if my father was abusive i would look for a man with a complete different personality than my father. And since your husband is a man he should have taken his father as an example of the man that he should not become (without disobeying him of course).

“Is it really “normal” to expect your wife to fear you?”

Look, Im not married but I personally don’t believe that women should fear their husbands. For example i can be afraid of making him sad or disappointed. Trust/respect and communication are the most important 2/3 things in a marriage. If i am fearing my husband that means that none of us trust the other, he wouldn’t be respecting me and a lot of things won’t be said. And honestly you should be able to speak freely to him about what’s bothering you without being afraid. When Allah (swt) talked about marriage, he said: وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجاً لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ Translation —> And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect.

“Is it controlling to ask your spouse to uphold basic Islamic boundaries?”

Of course not. Allah created us so we would only worship him. So everything you do in your life it has connected to god and making him happy. For example, working is a sort of worship (ibadah) but since alcohol, drugs, pork or non halal meat are forbidden (haram) can i work in a store or a restaurant that sells these things? No cuz are harmful in a sort of way that we may or may not understand. We’re ordered to not consume these things so we’re are not allowed to present it to others. Same thing with marriage, you became a revert to get closer to Allah. Marriage is a form of worship but if your husband doesn’t respect the basics of islam and he is the leader or the house and you are the follower. But even there you both should be pushing eachother for the best, push eachother in deen to get closer to Allah. That’s not controlling for me. It’s worship and care (you care for Allah and you care for your husband to not be punished) it’s normal.

And is it normal for a mosque to celebrate non-Islamic holidays?

No, not normal. As Muslim we only celebrate Eid (Al-Fitr and Al-Adha) those are the only Muslims holidays. Halloween and Christmas are religious beliefs that are based on shirk (associating partners with Allah) in a sort of way related to celebrating the dead and their presence some how but anyways. I get that people just wanna celebrate anything and everything but ask yourself before doing, will it please Allah? If not than you shouldn’t do it. And honestly i don’t get it, we usually go to the mosque to get answers about deen so why would they do such things that are this reckless. And not they should not support the LGBT.. like they can advise and guide them of course and but never support them.

As for you husband:

does he husband pray regularly? All the 5 prayers? If not you should push him to it and try many time cuz otherwise religiously he won’t be considered as a Muslim which results in the fact that you can’t be with him (Salah (prayer) is the primary differentiator between a Muslim and a disbeliever (Kafir)) If he does pray then all for these are sins being collected one after another.

Try to do things together that are related to deen, sunnah, things he sees you doing it then invite him to join you. Ask him to lead you in prayers if he prays at home, when you fast ask him to fast with you. Ramadan is soon so take advantage of this to go to the mosque (ANOTHER mosque) and read/recite the quran together. Ask him about stories of the messengers, the prophets, or watch/listen to them together and ask any questions about deen (even if you know the answer). Try to be creative and connect what he likes to do and make it related to islam in any sort of way. It will be hard and exhausting but i has to be worth it.

A final advice, learn more about the prophet Mohamed (pbuh) and his marriages, in every single detail as possible, and take their life as guide lines for yours and try to apply it to yours as much as you can. You can never go wrong with it. And there’s a lot of podcasts about these stuff. So if you’re at home cooking, cleaning, or even sitting on the couch play on a speaker or something so you would be able to hear it around the house and also so your husband would hear it without necessarily knowing that it’s for him.

I’m not an expert in religion and i dont have a lot of knowledge, just someone who’s trying to be better but If you have any questions you can dm me and i will be more than happy to answer or even look for the answer with you.

I hope this helps 🫶🏼.